Emotionally drained

Have been caring for my husband for some years now. Well being a general dogs body and caring. He is one of those who believes in women have their place ie at the kitchen sink. He is now 74 and I am 69 with my own health problems but nevertheless active. So husband has had hip problems for about 4 years now which was eventually diagnosed and possibly hip op.He has chronic pain which I understand but nothing is ever right. He gets waited on hand and foot and if he does lift a finger to help it’s…look what I’ve done… he shouts for no reason blames me for things unnecessarily and it gets me down. He is then apologetic buys me gifts and etc I got a prescription for him yesterday and it seems pharmacy got it wrong so instead of saying…do you realise they gave you wrong prescription it’s …oh well I will have to go down for my prescription. So then it’s why? And then the reason it’s always like he is setting me up to fail. Sorry for droning on.

Hi Theresa,
I’ve known men like your husband, it’s a shame you never made a stand years ago.
I would strongly recommend counselling, it was life changing for me. Either you put up with his behaviour for the rest of his life, or yours, or you do something about it.
A good counsellor should be able to teach you new ways of dealing with him.

YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME for his post op pain, which HE should get investigated.
Neither are you to blame for the medication mistake, which HE should sort out, not have a go at you about. In future, why not suggest to HIM that HE gets HIS prescriptions delivered to the house so he can check them HIMSELF.
Keep your mobile phone handy and next time he has a go at him, film him, and play it back to him later.
Tell him you don’t want gifts and apologies, you want a civil husband, always.
You want a dishwasher and a tumble dryer to help you in the house.
You want a domestic help as you have your own health problems and need to reduce your workload.
As he is at home, jobs should be shared equally!!!

DIVORCE is your ultimate alternative. Maybe remind him of that!

Hi Theresa,
I’m sorry to hear caring is getting you down and your hubby wants you chained to the kitchen sink.

I have suffered with hip pain, continued to work and care and delayed ops as long as possible because of my caree, so suspect he could be doing more than he is! It’s a balancing act with hips - staying in one position for too long causes stiffness and increases pain levels, over doing it is no good either. The better the condition of the muscles pre-op, the better the recovery post-op.

If hubby isn’t prepared to help you then perhaps he could pay for a cleaner or gardener or similiar. Does he claim attendance allowance? This is meant to pay for this sort of thing. Re his prescriptions he can arrange for them to be delivered and liaise himself with the pharmacy and surgery.

Do you get out on your own? What hobbies or social activities are you involved in?


Posting same time as BB.

Hi Theresa
My husband is the same age as yours. I blame the mothers! The last generation (probably) who gave up work when they married and chained themselves to the kitchen sink. They did all the domestics and hubby looked after the money and dug the vegetable patch, so their sons grew up thinking that was the way it should be and we poor daughters –in-law were left to re-educate them with varying degrees of success.
I used to be a red-head, with a temper to match and even now, having long turned a faded brown, I can only take so much male selfishness before I boil over. I stopped doing his washing and ironing years ago when he complained that he didn’t like the smell of the washing powder or the way I hung up his shirts. Recently I walked out and stayed out for hours after a row about a sock drawer!! Refused to answer the phone. Point made.
I’ve had a hip op and yes both the lead up and aftermath were very painful, and pain makes me snappy. I particularly struggled with having to sleep on my back for three months afterwards as that made my bad back hurt too. However the previous poster has the right of it. Weak muscles in your legs mean you don’t get out of hospital until you can walk upstairs safely, with a leg that feels like a log of wood nailed to your hip.
Only you know how best to approach your husband. Perhaps you could firmly indicate on your own ill health or have a long chat about joint support now you are both getting older and what help you could do with. If nothing works try going on strike in key areas and tell him to do it himself?
Best of luck.

No excuse but pain makes people really difficult to deal with. Like you I have pain and at it’s worst. I have to rest etc.
I am slightly younger and I been a carer of one kind or another.
It’s can be different for younger carers as we know how to get help and resources. Older carer can see caring as a duty to the wedding band. Yes, you maybe married and a carer but you should be respected! I claim as some other do for a carers break. It;s important to reiterate to one’s spouse. It;s a two way street. You get back what you put in.

Do you try at get out each and ever day. It may be just a walk up the road. You are out.

Get time each day for you.