My elderly step-dad went into a hospice at the beginning of this month. I went to stay indefinitely with my elderly mum at this time.
A few days later a letter was sent to the house informing us that he was fully funded for any/all care.
5 days later, I rang up the DWP and asked them to stop his Attendance Allowance benefit.
Today I went to the bank with my mum and got a 3 month statement of their (joint) bank account.
My stepdad is still getting a lot of money as in his state pension every month and also “DWP PC” which I assume to be pension credit.
My question is: should my stepdad still be receiving this because he is still alive? Or should I ask for it to be stopped because of the state he is in; he is obviously not going to access and/or spend this money, himself. Do I do it now - or when he has died??
Would this be classed as fraud if mum kept/spent it?? (Of course, mum doesn’t want to get in any trouble.) Anyway - mum is not touching his money from DWP in case she needs to pay it back.
Mum really can’t manage anything to do with banking, nor does she (or I for that matter!!) understand much of anything about state pensions!
I am helping her access her money from their joint account but the bulk of it is being left well alone - and I, as I said, was the one to call the DWP to ask them to stop paying Attendance Allowance to my step-dad.
Hiya! Thank you I will give it a ring tomorrow, for sure!
Oh, I’m okay, it’s not difficult, well, not to do with him - it’s just my mum I’m worried about.
My stepdad only has days, the Dr/hospice nurses said. However he’s been hanging on for 2 weeks in the hospice, now. He’s not actually “actively dying”, yet.
It might sound awful but my life is completely on hold until he passes away. Mum is coming to live with my partner and I after it happens and I can’t really sort out their house until my stepdad passes. (Superstition from my mum’s country - you can’t get rid of the ill person’s belongings “in advance” - nor can you give/throw the belongings away until 9 days after they’ve died. I don’t know if she has remembered this wrong - but it’s stuck in her mind!!)
Yes, he’s going to be buried in the family plot. His nephew has been very kind and is helping my mum and I with all the arrangements. The nephew feels an obligation I guess, because my stepdad “nursed” his brother (nephew’s dad) after his wife left him and he became ill…
I’m glad he’s helping because I’ve never had to arrange things after a death…
Sarah, it sounds like you are well on the way to getting sorted, but I’m worried about mum coming to live with you.
A friend of mine cared for his mum until she died at 104. How would you feel if this was you?
I would recommend that you think about the long term issues, there is no escape from being permanently on call for mum.
Would it be possible for her to stay in her home with carer support?
Thank you. I have been a care assistant for +10 years so I know the harsh realities if/when mum develops full-on Dementia…
I’m an only child and taken on quite a lot of social “ideals” I guess you’d call them from my mum’s country (Philippines) so I am happy to look after mum for as long as I possibly can until/if she gets advanced Dementia and is at risk or displays aggressive tendencies. Hopefully not, obviously…
She doesn’t want to live on her own. I also don’t want her to because I know she would be at risk of neglect. She already had some moulding vegetables in the fridge when I arrived this most recent time.
Not to sound big-headed but I want to look after mum because I know I will give her (for as long as I am able) the best care, as a daughter. Carers who visit are strapped for time and carers in residential homes miss things. One example - One of my favourite residents had a stoma bag. She always wanted me to check/change it, if I were on shift because I did it the best, she said - then she had to go into hospital. When she came back after almost 3 weeks the stoma area was infected. From hospital! The place where people are supposed to look after you…
I don’t trust anyone to look after my mum, except me. I could tell some stories of working in private “luxury” residential homes, over the years…
But I’m off on a tangent. Sorry to sound negative if anyone reading has a loved-one in a home. I can only say to be hyper vigilant about them and their care…
I hope you have been sorted in the financial legalities for your stepdad.
Have you given thought to the arrangements/who would be looking after your mother when you are at work? You have a good outlook on it but don’t be in denial when the time comes that she needs to have specialist care.
I have the same opinion about the care for my mother, seen her care for her mother in law and then her father, old fashioned English family values. I was upset that she has elected hospital for advance care plan for end of life, pending any other changes, but she was adamant that it would be the best because she will need round the clock team and it would be too much for me and she doesn’t want me to be made ill doing it all. She said they do all the work and we get the quality time. I’m still coming to terms with it even though I know it is the right decision.