Hi kmarial95
Welcome to the forum and glad you have found us before you become even more consumed with caring.
As parents get older we find our roles as “children” changing to that of being the “grown up” and with both parents in separate locations you simply won’t be able to meet all their wants. It is better to get your head around looking after yourself (which parents are no longer considering) and becoming their care manager instead of care giver. There will no doubt be tantrums but you need to stand firm and explain you will arrange for things to be done for them if they can’t manage themselves.
Have you heard of a Social Services Needs Assessment, this should be a priority especially for your mum and then a separate carers assessment for yourself. If you search these terms on here loads of advice is available.
It may have been “kept in the family” in the past but now as you are the one “in control” it is up to you to see what support is available.
And that is the crux of this. It took me a long time to work out that I was NEVER going to make my ill elderly parents happy. They were ill and elderly and unhappy. I could run myself into the ground trying to make them happy, but it was never going to work. However, I CAN make myself happy and I have. And things are better. You are very young and are entitled to live your life. To be brutal, they have had their lives, now it is your turn. Just because you haven’t had outside help before doesn’t mean you can’t start now.
Doesn’t mean you abandon your Mum, but you need to work out what you can/want to do for your Mum. The rest needs to fall to someone else, which if there is no one else will need to be from outside the family i.e paid carers.
I know your Mum might react badly to this, but this honestly doesnt make you a bad person. Just means you can’t do it all. my Mum has been really unpleasant about having help in. But i just let it wash over me because this is what has to happen in order for me to prioritise my children and to have a job and for her to be safe and looked after. And the plus side is that the time we spend together is much more pleasant as I am not run ragged and I am much happier.
I really hope you can start to make things better. xx