Hello everyone , I see im amongst friends and people like me who have no clue how to act or what to do in this situation .
My mother is 97 and has short term memory loss, she is cared for mainly by my Dad who is 93 …he has looked after her for 5 years since she had cancer treatment and lost her hearing and memory . She is fully aware of most things, like who she is , her date of birth , her old life , but cant remember what day it is . Dad is now more frail and is demanding we children, all in our sixties get him some help to look after mother. He gets all her meals, does the washing, sorts her tablets out . We do the garden, cleaning, shopping, appointments, bill paying etc
He says he can manage his own care but not hers as well , they argue constantly and seem to despise each other , she wont put her hearing aids in which means we all have to shout so any attempt at conversation is hopeless , she won’t wash as its too tiring, in fact will not do one single thing to help look after herself better. She wont let him or us change anything, she controls what he is allowed to watch on telly, where he sits and which room he sits in. He is understandably worn to the ground
He appears to just want to wash his hands of her , he doesnt appear to love her anymore or care much what she wants as long as he is freed from his shackles
We got a social services assessment today, they were great and agreed to supply hand rails for him , a red button in case he is ill , the said he needed help with maybe a carer coming in the morning to help get Mum up and breakfasted and dressed.
She has point blank refused and says she dresses herself …which is true , she also gets about enough to use the toilet but thats all she can manage . They have said they cant force her but also have a duty of care to my Dad so they arent sure what to do next
She doesnt want strangers in her home or anyone tending to her washing and bathing. She could not be left without Dad looking after her in all other ways
So in essence …to please her we would just leave them alone, to please him we need to get him some help
Between them they are slowly killing my caring feelings, every visit is a war , I leave as quickly as possible to avoid the constant conflict… then I feel like a rubbish person …hence why im still up at 5 oclock typing this
Any advice would be truly appreciated
Jan
Welcome to the forum. What a difficult situation. Your role needs to change from slave to “Care Manager”, making sure they are well looked after by others, not you.
Were you present when the social worker visited? She sounds useless.
Ask for a written copy of her separate Needs Assessment for mum and the Carers Assessment for dad. (I have a sneaky suspicion she won’t have done them!
Is she proposing a Carers Assessment for you?
Is a formal Mental Capacity Assessment planned?
Did she do a financial assessment?
Why on earth was getting her dressed in the morning offered when she didn’t need it???
What you and your parents need is someone OTHER THAN YOU to do the cleaning, gardening, shopping etc. The easiest way for carers to be allowed to help is to suggest that it’s for someone to do the “heavy” cleaning that is now difficult for you, only the “cleaner” is from a care agency instead. To start with they could come when you are there, so you can supervise, but then you can reduce the physical work you are doing.
Do NOT do the gardening, get someone else in for this, who can flatten the borders, grass them over, and then mow the lawn as needed. I know it’s not what anyone wants, but from personal experience I know it’s a really good way of reducing workload.
Do you parents have a dishwasher? A washer dryer or tumble dryer? Insist on wearing clothes that need ironing?
BOTH of them should now be entitled to Attendance Allowance, are they claiming it? This will then pay for the extra staff.
None of this addresses what I will call the “War Zone” issue.
Ask the GP to arrange for the Community Psychiatric Nurse to visit.
Meanwhile, you need to keep a diary of what is happening to dad on a daily basis.
Your phone can be invaluable, talking to dad, and filming mum ranting at him. He sounds like he has become a virtual prisoner in his own home.