Caring for more than one person

Both Myself and My Sister are full time Carers for our Adult Sons
My Elderly Mum was admitted to hospital and on discharge was given 6 weeks free care package.
This came to and end last thursday and My mum was told that she does not qualify for further care.
The Senior care manager has Blatentely lied and said My Mum can do everything for herself,
We made a copy of the log book that states exactly what help Mum has been having help with personal care and help with her meals, My Sister has a carer coming in each day to help with the personal care of My Nephew.
I do My Sons personal care Myself, I also Care for My husband who is Diabetic,has arthritis and has had to have a pacemaker fitted I also have a daughter who has serious health issues and has Dialysis.
Both My sister and myself are absolutely worn out with the added pressure of caring for Mum.We do have a needs assessment appointment with social services tomorrow,is it likely they will take our situations into consideration when assessing Mums needs
We are so worried any advice please

Hi Karen,

They should definitely take into consideration all the other caring you both do. You will need to spell it out for them.

Your Mum needs an updated Needs assessment too, you and your sister need to be honest and explain that you can’t help her, show the care logs of the help she needs and be there to ensure your Mum doesn’t gloss over what she can’t do. Elderly folk often don’t realise how much help they actually need, nor like to admit it.


Thankyou Melly1
The assessment is for My Mum both Myself and my Sister will be at the meeting
We are both taking our Sons Pip awards that state what help they need
My Son scored 44 points for daily living and 24 points for Mobility My Nephew Scored Roughly the same
Hopefully Social Services will see by the scores what our roles entail.
We are not trying to shift My Mums care wholly onto a care company we just need a little help
And will continue to support Mum with doing her shopping and household chores also Mum does not want to go into
a care home and both myself and Sister agree that she is happy in her own home
Thankyou again for your advice i really appreciate it.

At one time my husband and I were juggling the needs of all four elderly disabled parents and disabled son. My husband died of a heart attack soon after his father died, I developed a life threatening illness and needed urgent major surgery.

You CANNOT care for mum as well. Tell Social Services that they MUST arrange care for mum that does not involve you.

Can I ask what is the matter with your son, and your nephew? Maybe I can make a few suggestions - my own son was brain damaged at birth, is now 40, living 15 miles away with carer support.

With my own mum, disabled for many years, SSD did all the basic stuff, washing, dressing, food etc. That still left lots for me to do especially as mum owned her house and had a difficult garden to manage.

Hi Bowlingbun
My Nephew has Severe Cerebral palsy and My Son has Cerebral palsy with severe learning disability, Scoliosis and a congenital heart condition.

Oh My Goodness I am so sorry to hear this, Caring is a very lonely path and the stress is unbearable at times.
we have to take care of ourselves aswell as caring for others. I am 60 now and relatively in good health but that could change at anytime and Social services need to understand that .

Hi Karen
Have you and your sister had a recent Carer’s Assessment? They may incorporate that with Mum’s Assessment but if not arrange for one urgently.
Do not say that you can easily help Mum in any way (even if you can and intend to) and do not let Mum claim she can do it herself when you know she can’t. When she says, ‘I can do it’, what she means is ‘I ought to be able to do it and I don’t want strangers doing it for me’. When she says ‘My daughters will,’ jump in and say no, or at least not always because …
Lay it on thick (be very truthful) and don’t forget that it is much easier to cancel Care that is too much than getting extra Care put in place when there’s not enough.
Make sure you have something written down to refer to because it is so easy to forget something you really should mention.

Thank you Elaine
The appointment isnt until 2pm tomorrow afternoon
So i will have a chat with Mum and try and make her understand.
I am sure she thinks they will put her in a home
But we wont allow that to happen, :slight_smile:

Do NOT promise your Mum that you will never ‘put her in a Home’, Sometime down the road it may be the only option you have left and so many loving daughters have ‘beaten themselves up’ because they made that promise. Instead say, ‘You won’t go into a Home unless there’s no alternative and that’s most certainly not now. That day hasn’t come’.

A Home is a council’s last resort as it is the most expensive option. They start at 2 or 3 daily calls to her home for personal care and food. They won’t be thinking that for along time yet

Thank you all so much for your advice I will let you know how the Assessment goes tomorrow,
Hopefully we will get some help,

I had counselling to help me set my priorities clearly, something I’d never really done before.
My son had to come first because he had SLD and couldn’t speak up for himself.
Mum, housebound for years with a variety of problems, could speak up for herself and could pay for whatever care she needed.
My counsellor encouraged me to explain this to mum.
She really didn’t like the thought of not being “Top Dog” but she couldn’t argue that it was a wrong decison.
I was also ecnouraged to have more of a life of my own (despite being disabled myself).
Mother and son couldn’t share me out between them. My own life and my own needs were equally important.

I see lots of similarities between your situation and mine.

Hi bowlingbun
We had the meeting this afternoon
The Social worker was really nice and took onboard everything we do in our Caring roles
She offered Mum Care three times daily and we are very happy with the result.
She also gave me a form to fill in so that the care provider who lied about Mums needs will have to answer to Social Services
:smiley: Thankyou all once again for your advice.

That sounds much better. Just beware of mum “saving” jobs for you because you do it better!!
You have been warned.