Hello..... today I need to moan

Hello. Forgive me…but I have removed the content of my original post. I wanted to delete it but I cant see a way to do this? I guess Im just not ready to deal with the responses yet. But thank you all for replying x

Hi Ann … welcome to the forum.

EXTREMELY quiet on here as I type … some links which will be of immediate assistance to outside help :

NEEDS assessment … through your LA :
Getting a social care needs assessment - NHS

CARERS assessment … again , through your LA :

Carer's assessment | Carers UK

Word to the wise ?

Waiting times … a real post code lottery out there … so , don’t delay.

Others will be along at sometime to extend their welcomes and guidance on your current situation.

Hi Ann,

whinge away, if it helps. Hope you manage a few minutes of relaxing this evening?!

What are your daughter’s needs?

What support do your parents need? Do they get any outside help?


Welcome to the forum. Three people to care for plus yourself is simply too much. Your own child must be your top priority, particularly if she is ill or has special needs?

Tell us a bit more about mum and dad, ages, and what they need your help for. I became my mum’s Care Manager - checking that she had what she needed - rather than e hands on carer.

Thank you very much for these links and info. Much appreciated.

Hi. My daughter has mental health needs. My parents have mobility, personal care needs and my father is also having test for dementia. No outside help as parents wont accept any

Hi. My daughter has mental health needs. She is and always will be my priority and my parents understand this. My parents have mobility, personal care needs and my father is also having test for dementia. No outside help as parents wont accept any. They are mid 70s

Your welcome , Ann.

Pleased to see others have responded.

Nothing will change unless you force it to.

Your parents problems are going to get worse and worse, and you will be doing more and more, until you tell them you just CANNOT do it any more. All four of our parents lived locally, all felt the same. My mum rejected the idea of carers for years, until I became seriously ill. She found that once she got used to them, she enjoyed having people to talk to. Needing “a bit of help” is no shame at all, it just reflects their ages. They are lucky to have each other. My husband died at the age of 58, so never enjoyed any retirement.

Maybe start by asking them to get a “cleaner” in (from a care agency) to do the basic cleaning jobs, to make life easier for YOU? Once they get used to this idea, you can then gradually get hours increased.

Are either of them claiming DLA/PIP/DLA? If not, support them to do so.

Do you have Power of Attorney for dad. If not, get this done as soon as possible, before his mental state diminishes further. This should be TOP PRIORITY. Mum should also do this too.

Is their home as easy to run as possible? Do they use a tumble dryer, a dishwasher?
Does their bathroom meet their needs, or does it need adapting?
Is their garden as easy to look after as possible - no borders that need constant attention?
Do they wear clothes that need ironing?
Does mum use a mobility scooter?
Do they own, or rent their house?
Have over £46,000 in savings? (Yes/No) This is the cut off level for Social Services helping to fund care needs.

Just in case this one comes in handy

An online benefits calculator … for that financial m.o.t. … everything out there being claimed ?


Council Tax … discount / disregard ?

I’ll post links if needed … just find a bugle.


I should have explained that in 2006 I was nearly killed in a car accident. I went from being able to happily walk about 15 miles a day, to being in pain walking 15 steps. I still needed to support my housebound disabled mum with various jobs the carers couldn’t/wouldn’t do, as well as my son with severe learning difficulties, running a business, and a national club!! I live in the New Forest with a very large garden.

My knees had been ruined, and I hobbled around with a walking stick or two, or crutches, until 2009/2011 I had knee replacements. I’m back to walking up to 10 miles a day now.

My eldest son moved back in with me soon after, and bullied me (in the kindest way possible) into making various changes to the house and garden. Now I have a large patio with lots of flowering pots, rather than borders in the garden. A quick whizz round with the tractor mower, job done.
I do very little ironing, just wear Lands End poloshirts for every day, these wash and dry almost endlessly.

I know from my own experience that accepting you can’t do some things is sad. In theory your mum and dad should think about the impact caring for them is having on you. In reality, elderly people lose the ability to see how much others are doing for them, they become completely “self focussed”.

I certainly saw this with my own mum, who died when she was 87. Towards the end, as I came into the house, before any pleasantries, she would reach for the pocket of her recliner where she kept a little red notebook where she wrote down all the jobs she had saved for ME to do!! Despite carers 3 times a day, a gardenener, and an odd job girl who did cleaning, shopping and errands!!

Think about every job you do for your parents, does it really need to be done at all. Could it be avoided by doing things differently?
Does it need to be done by you, or can someone else do it? Cleaning and shopping certainly come into this category.
Would they like you to take them out for trips, which you could all enjoy? If so, tell them that it would be better for you to do this than clean the bath.


Have a good moan! It is what we are here for!

My Mum and Dad also didn’t accept help for a long time. It nearly crippled myself and my sister. There came a point when this just wasn’t sustainable any more. I also have 2 small children and my sister runs a business. For us it was starting small. We started with a cleaner and worked up from there! Dad sadly eventually had to go into full time residential care. Mum now manages with someone coming in to make her lunch on the days we can’t. but when this need increases, I won’t hesitate to increase the care accordingly.

We struggled on for YEARS trying to meet their wishes, but it didn’t make them any better and made none of us happy and my sister and I were utterly miserable and clapped out. I have a better relationship with Mum now as I am able to spend quality time with her. Mum doesn’t like the carers coming in, but it is what is needed to keep her safe and in her own home and more importantly for my sister and I to be able to live our lives too. I let the moaning pass me by these days.

Great that your daughter is your number 1 priority, this is as it should be. So please find a way to take the pressure of with Mum and Dad. Also don’t let your own needs slip. What do you do for yourself?? You matter in all of this too. xxx