Desperate feeling as a carer

Hi, everyone.
I care my disabled husband full time.
I was recently diagnosed severe anemia. I had to have blood transfusion at A&E.
Any physical work makes me out of breath and I am feeling exhausted all day.
But I still have to do all the house work and carding my husband.
My husband has health problems but he can do little things like taking frozen meat out from the fridge to defrost, putting his clothes to laundry basket etc.
But he doesn’t do any of these even he can see me feeling unwell and when I ask his help, he says he is tired too.
I have given up my job, I moved in to his house to look after him away from my family and friends and this is what I get.
I am everything for him; his nurse, his cook, his cleaner, his wife but I feel I am nobody. I am losing myself.
I might get mentally and physically unwell if the situation doesn’t change.
I don’t think I will get any help from him when I get older or get more serious illness.
I even start thinking to leave everything behind to protect myself and start my own life alone.
Is there anyone feel the same or had similar experiences? How do you cope with it?
I am sorry if I am posting in a wrong category…

Hi Kae,
Welcome to the forum.

Anaemia makes you feel terrible: light headed, dizzy and exhausted. I have had a blood transfusion for it before following surgery. Made me feel bloated. Do the doctors know why you became anaemic, so you can avoid it happening again?

How old are you and your husband? How long have you been married? Did you own your own home before You moved in with him? Are you both receiving benefits? Does he have any support from paid carers?

I suggest you go to Relate, for couple counselling and see if you can improve your relationship, if you can’t , then you will need to decide what you want for the future.


Hi Kae,

Welcome to the forum. You haven’t told us what is wrong with your husband, how old he is, and how old you are. It would be really helpful if you could tell us this.

You CANNOT be forced to care for your husband. In all honesty it sounds like any love between you has gone, would that be a fair comment? You list all the jobs you are now doing, are you just a convenient slave?

Have you asked Social Services to do a Carers Assessment for you, and a Needs Assessment for him?
Maybe ask your GP for counselling?

The hard thing to accept is that he will never change anything, because whilst you keep doing things for him, he doesn’t have to do anything. What is his reaction to your illness?

Do you want to call it a day, and leave?

Thank you for the replies.
I am late 40s and he is late 50s. We’ve been married for 7years but I have known him for more than 15 years.
I moved to England when we got married (I am a foreigner.)
My husband has mental conditions and chronic pain, fatigue due to morphine.
My anemia is caused by heavy period from fibroids and being on warfarin. I am so scared if my next period comes before I recover.
I I have spoked to. my GP about my husband and I had some therapy sessions for anxiety as I started thinking ending my life. While I was just feeling stronger by the sessions, the anemia attacked me and I feel desperate again.

Hi Apple,
so are you saying that as you love him, you do want to stay with him, but you’d like him to make more of an effort and you need some support?

I think then, you should request a Needs Assessment for him Needs assessment | Carers UK
and a Carer’s Assessment for yourself Carer's assessment | Carers UK
This should result in some help with the physical tasks of caring for him.

If he isn’t prepared to help at all at home, then maybe he should contribute towards a cleaner or a gardener or someone to do the ironing - anything to take the load of you.

Unfortunately I don’t know how to change his mindset that is why I suggested Couples Counselling - so that you can explain things from your point of view and he his and with the help from the counsellor, find a compromise.

When did you last visit your family and friends (abroad)? Perhaps you need to also talk to social services about this and arrange for some respite care for him so that you can visit them.


I too care he my husband full time and have become very ill myself my husband seems not too see that I am struggling and seems not to try to help he is able to do some things but relay on me for every thing I am some times so very tired and unhappy but he seems to think I can and will go on at this pace for ever I feel as if I am behind a glass panel and I am screaming and screaming and no-one hears me it’s not that I don’t care for him or love him but I am just drained i hate feeling like this

You MUST get treatment for your fibroids. I was in the same state when I was 33, had a hysterectomy, and felt VERY much better very quickly. There are now other treatments, there is no need to suffer.

I agree with BB. I had a hysterectomy for other reasons, and even after four days of being home I felt so much better. Always say its one of the best things I have ever done and that was 28 years ago. You have to put your own health first, as this situation wont right itself.
Very sad to read your post

Hi It’s not easy being a carer.Its important that we MUST look after ourselves when we can.My hubby has terminal cancer of prostate bones and lung & is severely sighted in both eyes & deaf.I haven’t had a carers break.I keep getting stalled by my GPS surgery saying that there are 250 other carers ahead of me.!! So I feel very unworthy as well.I don’t want my Hubby to go into respite as we need to be with each other,but I just need a spa day with a good massage.Anyway please look after yourself,We all need to have time to ourselves.regards Amandah

Amandah, your GP has an “urgent need for further training!”

It is not HIS job to arrange respite care, but Social Services.

Thank you for your reply,The surgery get money every year,to allocate to carers.But I was told it’s a one off.So I am now looking into another source.I have to have a day out .Otherwise I will end up very sick myself.i am not expecting my Husband to go into respite at all.Regards Amandah

Amanda - It sounds like your husband doesn’t need you at home all the time. How about joining some local groups to give you some much deserved ‘me’ time?
I care for my mum and I am in the process of finding some classes to go to.
It gets me out and gives me the opportunity to talk to other people.
I’m looking for exercise classes such as pilates, yoga, aerobics or zumba. There are also coffee mornings, singing, dancing, book clubs and lots more.

As an exhausted carer, I would suggest pleasant things that are not physically taxing. A coach trip or a spa day perhaps.

Hi Thanks for your reply.Can you or anyone please tell me how often am I Allowed time off as a full time carer? I have no wish for my Husband to go into respite & he doesn’t want to.All I am therefore asking if for an afternoon I can have some me time.Thanks .Also is there a carers act I can mention to my GPS surgery as they are ment to get funding to support carers.Thank you regards Amanda h


Can you or anyone please tell me how often am I Allowed time off as a full time carer?


Short answer … as much time as YOU elect to take … if claiming Carers Allowance , a minimum of 35 hours needs to be spent caring … the remaining time is up to you.

If seeking " Respite care " , a Carers Assessment through your LA is your first port of call.

Carer's assessment | Carers UK

To my knowledge , gp surgeries do NOT provide funding … your LA may !

Home care services … any which fit the bill ?