Depressed looking after husband

My husband has severe pneuropathy.can do nothing in the house.i know it’s not his fault but I have had this it for the next.may e 20 years.covid not helping.he is a good man, and has always been there for me.but sometimes just want to this normal?

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I would think it is perfectly normal, it definitely echoes my feelings after six years of caring for my wife. I’m beginning to wonder how much longer I can continue, it’s not far short of slavery really.

Has your husband had a Needs Assessment and yourself a Carer’s Assessment, and have you researched Continuing Healthcare?

Has had assessment.just feeli g is this my life now.

You need to get out and about more. It sounds like you are feeling really trapped. If you love your husband enough to care for him, he should love you enough to let you live a life of your own, to some extent. So he has to accept either being alone at times, or having someone sit with him, or relying on a Lifelilne.

It is: unless you do something to change it.

Think of something that you’d like to do, just for you, and then arrange it. It may not be easy, there will be obstacles, but one way or another you can overcome those.

You might have to ask us on here for help on how to arrange things, but that’s OK. Someone is likely to have been there and done it already.

Even the strongest and most confident person needs the support of those closest to him. and as much as men would like to look the strongest and the best in our eyes, support them in any small way. Criticism has not brought anyone closer together

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Love my husband for who he is. But not in love with him at the moment is this normal. So many issues at the moment
due to his health and lack of feeling in all extremeties.

am going for counselling tomorrow 6th April 2021

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Counselling takes time. It took me about 6 sessions to really open up about how I was feeling. In the end I wrote it down as “homework”. The counsellor was stunned when he read it, asked why I was apparently smiling when I was really crying inside.

It’s always possible that you and I are the two really weird people in the world, but I doubt it, as that pretty much matches my feelings completely. My wife (of over 49 years now) is just not the girl I married. At times, I find it hard to even like her any more, but none of that is her fault, it’s just how MS takes a person, it’s hard to deal with that day after day, really hard.

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I think a lot of people feel like this even when they have been with a partner/husband for a number of years…even when they are not their carer per say.

Most people silently put up with it for years …to do the right thing.

Others have affairs (those that have time and opportunity), and while that provides temporary relief…in the long term just provides stress.

The best that any of us can do if we want to do “the right thing” is make time for yourself to do things you love regularly.

As Ajay rightly says your husband can have a pendant or someone sit with him while you are out.

Hi Claire,

I totally understand you. I have been caring for my partner of 19 years for the last 6 years due to fibromyalgia and other things.
It has got to the point now that I have not left the house for months on end as it triggers serious anxiety in him, I have no life at all. I love him to bits but I want to see my family, I miss hugs and holding hands. Intamacy has gone out the window and I can’t help but think of what it would be like to be with someone else.
This adds to my guilt, I feel like a failure.
You are not alone, chin up and I hope you manage to get some support. X

Thanks for that.Really trying know it’s not his fault.Good man husband father and grandad.Does what he can.Got to the point where he can no longer do his own buttons up.Things are really hard at the moment.just want to leave but have been married a long time.

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Help.Perhaps need to do things for myself

Dear Claire
How hard it is.
I have to accept that my life is on hold a times. But
I try to find ways to compare myself to people who are in prison,
Who are desperate
I do yoga and try to draw a bit
I found Nelson Mandella and other hero’s for me inspiring
Like Eckhart Tolle.
Cast these ideas aside if they feel unhelpful
Warm wishes Ula
Warm wishes Ula

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Hi Claire,

Welcome back.

Does your husband have care visits? Is that enough?

Is it time for him to go into fulltime care? Then you can visit him as his wife with others doing all the care and you keeping a check on things. Other family members can share the visiting and you will have time to start rebuilding your life.


It’s really important for carers to look after themselves as well as their caree. Have you ever had a Carers Assessment?

He may need more care now than you can realistically give. Agree that maybe a Care Home may be a viable option. YOU matter too. Sending hugs.

Maybe it is time for a good care home.

How do I get caters asseasment