Dealing with my aunt

All about caring Young adult carers
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Hi, so my aunt is causing some bother again. This morning I went to my mums house to pick up some documents, so I can get them photocopied for her pip review.

Whilst there my aunt was kicking off saying how she doesn’t want me there. Yet It’s technically still my home. My mum invited me in, and the aunt was crying and going crazy. I said nothing to her. I don’t even look at the woman after what she has done. I was just speaking to my mum about collecting her carers diary and about a trip to the farm yesterday and showed her some pictures of me feeding a goat- everything was fine. We were talking pleasantly and laughing. It was only a short visit to collect what I forgot yesterday. Yet she hated it. My aunt doesn’t like me speaking to my mum at all. She doesn’t like anyone speaking to my mum at all. She killed our cat because she didn’t like my mum giving it attention. She was under suspicion by rspca.

My mum has also told me she keeps kicking off that she has carers and doesn’t want my mum to have them. She hates them visiting at my mums house daily. Again she doesn’t like anyone speaking to mum at all. Every appointment my mum has she seems to be getting jealous and is kicking off, even having episodes to stop her going. She even told her social worker that she was going to punch her.

My aunt lives in a hotel at the moment, since she destroyed her own home completely. They are struggling to find her somewhere else because she doesn’t have a good rep with landlords and keeps destroying houses. She was purposefully causing damage to her property and not cleaning up. You hear of hoarders, but her home was filled with metres high of broken glass, mouldy food packets, and cat poo, and the remains of deceased animals. According to her “it’s not her job to clean up.” Yet she didn’t want anyone coming into her home. It’s like she loved using it as an excuse to say “look what they have done to me.”

Apparently they are trying to remove her from the hotel because is causing too much of a mess and is just throwing her rubbish everywhere and it’s taking longer for the cleaners to do their jobs. She has been told to clean up more, but she just says other people cause the mess. She stinks too and refuses to bathe.

When mum tried to cut contact she somehow ended up with a broken ankle. We think that she did it on purpose by throwing her self down the stairs. It’s the sort of thing she would do.

The housing officer has asked her to move in with my mum at my old house. My mum has refused because of what she did to her house and she is purposely wetting herself and throwing her soiled clothes on the floor of my mums home to get attention. She is throwing coffee on the floor purposely pretending to shake and have panic attacks. She does this in front of people to create a shift in attention or if she doesn’t like people at the house. She is kicking off at my mums carers and is kicking off if my mum sees me and my siblings. My mum has regular treatment for her osteoarthritis and needs injections quarterly. She always tries to stop my mum going and keeps telling my mum she “doesn’t need the treatment” and they are trying to control her. Mum also has other therapies she doesn’t like her going too.

My aunt has a social worker and apparently she screamed at her and threatened to punch her. She’s also threatening other people. The thing is this has all happened before. She severely abused her other sister who is severely disabled, with reports about possible sexual abuse. I warned social services but they said the cases weren’t related. Now suddenly it’s happened again. The other aunt is in care and no one is allowed to know where she is for her protection from my aunt.

The thing is my aunt is smarter than she acts and it’s all an act. She’s telling people that my mum is stealing from her and is hitting her and the social worker is having ago at mum for it believing it. She’s saying mum is stealing from her bank account and is depriving her of food.

My eldest aunt told me and my sibling too that my aunt bullied her dad so much when he was frail. One night she bullied him so much that he had a heart attack and he died. This was in the 80s. I don’t know how true it is; but it certainly fits the profile. My eldest aunt also hates her guts as does everybody but it makes sense if the suspicion is there. I know my grandad died of an heart attack the night Susan had an episode.

Even when my dad was alive she was always telling people he hurt her and hit her. It’s funny because he was never near her, he refused to have her in the house because she was abusive and unsafe around us kids. She was always lying to my mum too so dad just said no. She was always being horrible, and he often asked her to leave. She once told us to “drop dead” when I was 12 and my siblings were 8 and 6.

Her late partner hit us with belts when we were kids and he always had a ‘hard on’ whilst he did it. My dad was at work at the time. You could see it because it was a known fact that he refused to wear underpants. He was always saying that he liked young girls. He was a known paedophile too not that stopped my aunt. She would say she “liked bad boys.”

There are so many cases against my aunt but no one does anything because of stupid red tape. I will be writing to my aunts social worker and higher up to get them to leave mum alone. I get they are only acting on safeguarding, but I know mum would not steal from my aunt. My aunt is only saying it because my mum gets PIP, and she wants the money. My aunt was always kicking off at me when I lived at home because she didn’t like me working for money. Apparently “working people” take all the money away from people like her and she wanted me to give her mine to compensate. She also thinks she doesn’t have to pay rent and should get it for free.

As part of the strongly worded letter I will be referring to the fact that my mum has had an OT assessment which determines mum needs a property suited to her needs. The report says that she needs to be in an extra care facility. If my aunt move in aren’t they just creating a safeguarding risk. My aunt wants my mum to be ‘a slave for her’ and ‘make up for the lost time when my mum met my dad and had kids.’ She is mental.

I ask if the council can force someone to provide housing for someone.

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The council and social care can’t force your Mum to take in your Aunt, who frankly sounds a total nightmare.

Your Mum taking her in would solve their problem of housing an extremely difficult woman.

The rate your aunt is going she will end up in a hostel/ B&B and no doubt get herself thrown out or sectioned …

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I think there may be a simple solution to the aunt issue.

Usually a tenancy is given to one person, and permission has to be sought before someone else moves in.
Alert mum’s landlord and tell him that under no circumstances should he give permission for aunt to live there.

With regard to the PIP forms, it’s not your job.
If mum can’t fill them in herself, she can have a DWP Visiting Officer to visit and fill them in with her.
Then he could make his own assessment of her mental capabilities.
As I can’t do hand writing, I asked for someone to help me with M’s form. He was so kind and helpful, the claim went through quickly.

If her paperwork is in disarray, then keeping it in order is something Social Services should help with as it’s part of daily living. If she had some Bisley 10 drawer multidrawers, with labels, would she then file it away?

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Amazing advice. Thank you. That is brilliant. I will do it first thing in the morning. It is only mum that is on the tenancy agreement. It used to be in both parents name, but I had to swap it over just after dad died because the change prompted mum to go on universal credit. I did this at the time though I probably shouldn’t have because it happened in Jan 21. It was peak pandemic, everything was a task and a half to sort.

As for the pip form. It’s a simple form really. It’s a review so they are asking if things have changed. Not much has changed really, the only major changes relate to getting cares and the housing situation. Her letters were organised just a case of finding the required evidence. I also collected them to photocopy them at work tomorrow so she doesn’t have to be without her appointment letters long.

Mum struggles with these things and I worry that If someone comes round and says what evidence do you have then she might say none. I know what she is like, she doesn’t understand.

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Would mum agree to just putting all the correspondence in a file for you?
Have you thought about becoming her DWP Appointee or getting her to sign a Power of Attorney so you could manage everything properly?
This might be easier than always playing “catch up”.

My mum was too frail to deal with anything for years, she just didn’t want to learn (soon after she was widowed I gave her a hole punch, sleeves, and a lever arch file. She rang me to say her hands weren’t strong enough to open it - mum had apparently never met a lever arch file before!!

She wanted me to deal with everything so signed a POA. We’d both had the same solicitor for about 50 years, so it was all very easy.

I had my address put on all bills and other correspondence. I paid for everything possible by Direct Debit or standing order.

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Hello, Coolcar. I am sorry that your aunt is giving you and your mother all this grief and pain, on top of your other problems. I hope the previous replies give you some comfort and guidance. You do right not to engage in conversation with your aunt - unless she starts to become pleasant, which seems unlikely. I pity your mother, having to put up with her more than you do. I am concerned that your mother’s carers could be put off by your aunt’s behaviour.

That sums things up succinctly.

Yes, I cannot envisage the hotel accepting her as a resident for much longer, and a hostel would probably kick her out too. Sectioning would probably be the best option for all concerned. Maybe you could discuss the situation with your doctor, who could advise.

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Thank you so much. I was doing some research last week and I came across the idea of her maybe being schizophrenic. She has never had a formal diagnosis of anything - she refuses to go to the doctor incase they think she is a drug addict. She maybe many things but not a drug addict. She can barely afford to feed herself because she refuses to sort her finances out incase the DWP are after her too. Like I say a literal nightmare. She may have an addictive personality but she is not addicted to drugs.

I know it is dangerous to offer a possible diagnosis when I am not a doctor, I understand that. In a way its the only way I can understand and explain her behaviour. Talking to professionals about the things she does gets repetitive and annoying. It is also exhausting. I just know some of her behaviour follows on from someone who Schizophrenic.

I have been side tracked so I have not being able to do anything about it really. My sister told me yesterday that mum and her may have fallen out because mum was invited on a day out with her friends and she was not. They are literally like children.