Dealing with bereavement and all the admin afterwards

All about caring
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Hello

I haven’t been on here for a while as my lovely father passed away at the end of June. In the last few weeks he gave up all the mad plans of getting out of the nursing home he was in and I realised then that these plans and ideas were him. When he stopped planning he was in a steady decline. He died peacefully and I saw him the day before, held his hand and told him I loved him. I miss him terribly and wanted to come here and say thank you to those who lifted my spirits when I was pretty low. Now though I feel worn down by the paper work and and the admin. He didn’t have much money but he did own his own flat which he didn’t look after particularly well so it needs some TLC. Now I am clearing his stuff and making good the property to sell it. That is the sum of his estate but in order to sell the flat I need to go through Probate £500+ if I want to extend the lease that costs ££ and I need to instruct someone to do that which costs more money. I just feel at every turn someone is handing me a bill. The funeral has been covered so that is something but the whole thing is piling up on top of me and I am grieving. I suppose the reality is that this will all pass and it will get done but its a lot at the moment and I don’t feel as though I have time to grieve. Can anyone suggest institutions who might be able to give me some advice. I am going to go to the Doctors and see if I can secure some grief counselling, I think that would help. Any advice welcome

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@Vespucci26 hiya I am so very sorry for your loss . On the gov.uk website there is a page with lots of information about death when someone has passed .on the left side is a list of about 12 things in order what needs to be done. There is also a form on gov.uk one off notification system that will notify some goverment organisation that your dad has passed away without you having to contact them all. You could contact your local Citizens advice bureau where you live you ring up tell them briefly what you want and they will make an appointment for someone to ring you back they will have lots of advice ,have some paper and a pen with you so you can make notes of what they say .type citizens advice bureau and your local area into Google and it will bring up your local citizens advice bureau phone number.

You could also look on the cruse bereavement website, there phone number and times and days there available will be on there . You could ring there about what your going through and how your feeling. Your emotions .i once rung them going through what you are my dad passed 2 years ago and the person who answered the phone was so nice and kind to me. There could be information on the cruse website to. I hope that you are ok yes it is overwhelming . Others should come with advice soon. Take care.:heart:

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Go away for a couple of days. Take a pen and notebook. Recharge your batteries away from it all. I couldn’t rest at home after my husband died suddenly. I went on a cheap last minute deal and meandered around doing not a lot. Don’t forget all the months and years of caring, you are mentally and physically exhausted, too tired to think straight. Write down whatever you think is important to you. Sorting a jobs list into priority order perhaps? I did this and managed one job a day as a rule. Eat well, try to sleep. Don’t worry too much. Dad is at peace now,.

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Vespucci26 Hi im Kristie an online community host for Carers UK Forum. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment are you getting any extra outside support? I know it might not feel the same but the Forum has a number of carers from all walks of life who understand what your going through and are happy to support you and share their experience. You already have a couple of replies and im sure others will chip in too. Also Carers UK have a phone number which you could phone and im sure they can help you with some things. Also on this website there is information and resources on which might be able to help you after your parent has died. Do have a look. Welcome to the Forum. Kristie.

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I’m so glad you came back to tell us, and so sorry it’s to share this. What you’ve described about his last weeks — the plans stopping, and what that told you — is such a tender, particular kind of noticing that only someone who loved him closely would catch. And holding his hand, telling him you loved him, the day before he went — that matters. That stays. Whatever else feels unfinished right now, that part isn’t.

Thank you for saying what you did about this place lifting you up when you were low. That means a lot to hear, and it’s exactly why people come back and share, even in the hard bits like this.

What you’re describing now — grieving with no room to actually grieve because probate, leases and bills keep arriving — is one of the cruellest parts of losing someone. Nobody warns you that loss comes with an admin workload, and that it turns up at the exact moment you have the least capacity for it. Feeling like every turn hands you another bill, on top of missing him, isn’t you failing to cope. It’s genuinely a lot, and it would be for anyone.

Going to the GP about grief counselling sounds like a really good instinct — please do follow through on that. Alongside it, a few places that might help with the practical side, so it isn’t all on you to figure out alone:

• Citizens Advice — free guidance on probate and executor duties, including whether you can apply for probate yourself without paying a solicitor for a simple estate
• The Leasehold Advisory Service (LEASE) — a free, government-funded service specifically for lease extension questions like yours, worth contacting before paying anyone privately
• MoneyHelper — free, independent guidance on the financial and probate side
• Cruse Bereavement Support or Sue Ryder’s online bereavement service — alongside the GP referral, for grief support specifically, including practical guidance on the “grieving while doing admin” problem you’re describing

You’re right that this will get done, and that it will pass — but it’s okay that right now it just feels like a lot, because it is a lot. Be gentle with yourself while you’re carrying both of these at once.