Some of you may have seen my posts on the benefits forum about my mother regarding her recent stroke. I hope I’m posting this question in the right section so apologies if I haven’t.
My question I’d this can I be made/obliged to care for her when she is discharged. Her mental capacity is severely limited now, her mobility is virtually now non-existent and she is incontinent. Plus i will shortly be leaving to start a new life miles away with my fiancee. I could not possibly care for her without severely impacting my health and wellbeing.
When I meet social services next week what do I say? And am worried that whatever I say it’s going to sound like I don’t care.
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My question I’d this can I be made/obliged to care for her when she is discharged.
No.
… and don’t let anyone else tell / suggest to you otherwise.
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And am worried that whatever I say it’s going to sound like I don’t care.
A rhetoric observation ?
Only the face that stares back at you from a mirror can answer that one.
Thanks I don’t know how I would have managed without this site.
Make sure you read up as much as possible about NHS Continuing Healthcare and hospital discharge policies before the meeting.
Keep asking about what staff are currently doing for her, and when?
Help with feeding, dressing, changing pads, walking, toileting, all those practical things she is going to need now, which she didn’t need before?
How much does she understand, and retain in her memory?
I would suggest that even with 4 carer visits for an hour a day (the usual absolute maximum unless CHC is granted) that still leaves 20 hours without carers. Who is going to look after her then?
Start a notebook of what you have seen that come into the categories above, also time taken, how it’s done, to strengthen your case for residential care. Her move out of hospital should be to the place where she will spend the rest of her life, you don’t want her having a series of failed discharges.
Also, take photos of what they are doing if possible, maybe even little short video clips, so you have evidence.
Keep asking us any questions you like (I’ve got a bad chest infection but the fingers can still type while I’m stuck in the house).
I love my mum to bits but am so drained mentally and physically. I’ve lost an enormous amount of weight in the last year and my health has reached tipping point.
Have you seen your GP about the weight loss?
Maybe get him on side, writing a letter to SSD saying you CANNOT care any more?
As harsh as it sounds I have to walk away from this or to put it bluntly it’s me that will need 24 hour care.
Also why do I need to explain any of my actions to social services
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Also why do I need to explain any of my actions to social services
Simple.
If a family member does not take on that " Responsibility " , one guess as to who will need to step up to the plate ?
CHC / NHS Continuing Healthcare ?
That is one route which will remove the LA from that responsibility.
Less we forget the caree … your mother … also in her best interests ???
But what about my best interests? I’m probably going to refuse to meet with social services and wipe my hands of everything.
But what about my best interests ?
Absolutely no answer possible in the context as so described !
I know it does sound harsh. But that’s how I feel the doctors etc have done nothing to help me also as I’ll be living miles away from my mother that does limit anything I can do.
You need to accept that social care is a bit like a sick game of Snakes and Ladders crossed with a school exam.
Learn to use this to your advantage from those of us who have been before where you are now.
What we are advising you to do is to get the best outcome for your mum, so that you know she is fine without you, as easily as possible.
Accept that the hospital don’t care about you one bit, BUT they do have a duty to ensure that mum has a safe discharge so that all her needs are met in full. My own worst example is when I was just discharged from hospital, kidney just removed, scar right across my stomach, yet mum’s GP tried to bully me into caring for mum a day after I was discharged. To cut a long story short, mum was in pain when she moved as she had a broken leg!!!
The hospital just want their bed back. They can and will try to ignore your health needs and life needs, but can’t ignore mum’s.
I’ve lost all four parents and had battles with SSD with them all, in and out of hospital endlessly, suffering from heart failure, bowel cancer, pancreatic cancer, joint replacements to name just a few of their ailments!
I have also studied law, and make it my business to keep up with social care legislation, as my son has severe learning difficulties.
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What we are advising you to do is to get the best outcome for your mum, so that you know she is fine without you, as easily as possible.
Seconded !
You have my sympathy - I totally understand and you must NOT give in to emotional blackmail. I agree with BB - the NHS does not care about you as a carer. Your mental and physical health has to come first. The Best Interests meetings seem to concentrate on the patient not those involved in their care. I had to walk away from my late father to keep my sanity.
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Hi. I’ve come a little late to this conversation. You do care but you can’t give up your life. As has been said, the hospital wants the bed back and your mum needs a team of care that would not be possible with 4 care visits a day, and supposedly you the 24/7. What you can do is to insist she doesn’t come home and that everything is in place in the nursing home prior to transfer.