Hi!
I have 3 children.
10 year old with autism.
17 year old with ADHD (undiagnosed)
And a 21 year old - I think has narcissistic personality disorder. - This is something that I’ve only just discovered!
The 10 yr old and 17 yr old knows their conditions.
But if I tried to suggest that my 21 yr old daughter has NPD she kick right off! (Her biological father also has NPD)
I really Really struggle with my 17 yr old and 21 yr old arguing. The 21 yr old gets rage. She will try to tell the 17yr old what to do. “Put your plate in the sink” The 17 yr old HATES being told what to do by the 21 yr old and will just say “no” and then all hell breaks loose.
My 21 yr old will tidy and then get fed up with the 17 yr old leaving her plate on the side.
The 17 yr old’s back is up so much, that she now refuses to put anything in the dishwasher… ever!
I have tried EVERYTHING with them. I’ve tried a rota, I’ve read parenting books, i’ve tried giving them time to talk things through, I’ve tried leaving them to it (that’s when bones got broken)
I can cope with cancer. (In the middle of treatment at the mo)
I can cope with my son with autism.
I can cope with all the meetings and assessments I’ve been doing to try to get my son in a special school…
I can cope with work.
But I can’t cope with the arguments… 
Thanks for letting me rant!
Goodness what disruption for your ten year old son. I can’t image how you are coping. It sounds like your sons know. How to well to push each others buttons. Has the arguing increased since your diagnosis/treatment started. Do the children really understand what is happening. Have there been any family discussions about your illness.
Which child are you trying to get into school 10 or 17?
You should not be under any stress but concentrating on you.
Do you have any other help from family and friends.
Your daughter has no right to remain in the home!
If she cannot be civil, suggest that she leaves.
SunnyDisposition- thanks for your reply. no the arguing hasn’t increased since my diagnosis/treatment started. We’ve explained that I shouldn’t have any stress, but I also have M.E and have had it for 15 years, so they always knew I shouldn’t of been stressed anytime, but it makes no difference.
Im trying to get my 10 yr old into a SEN school.
no, no help from family and friends.
BowlingBun - thanks for your reply, she has no idea, as far as she’s concerned she’s the model daughter, in fairness she does look after my son whilst I go to my appointments everyday, and helps clean. It’s like jekyll and hyde, she has a lovely side, but also a side with rage that she feels is totally justified, she doesn’t see things, she even deluded herself.
Just a quick reply…
I’ll have a think and be back later.
If you are having difficulty getting your son into a special school, I suggest you ring IPSEA. Google for further info. They were absolutely wonderful when I battled with Hampshire. They supported me with appeals all the way to the Secretary of State for Education. I cannot praise them highly enough.
With regard to your daughter, can you film her on your phone when she is being abusive. Then play it back to her and ask her if she thinks it would be acceptable if any other adult spoke to her that way.
Try not to use her as a baby sitter. First stop for you personally should be to have a Carers Assessment (make sure it’s away from your home and kids) so teh council can work out what support you need in your caring role.
Is your son receiving Disability Living Allowance?
Thank you so much both of you for your replies 
thank you so much for the link
Thank you for the advice about IPSEA.
Good idea regarding filming my daughter, thank you so much
I will have a look at the Carers Assessment thank you so much:)
Yes my son gets DLA
You are not alone now. Friends and family just don’t understand what you are going through.
I forgot to mention the Family Fund. Have you ever asked for help from them, it’s government money, not raised by charity. They gave us several much needed holidays. Friends with lots of washing had washing machines and tumble dryers. Try to think what will make life easier.
If housework is a problem, get a box for each child in the lounge, and say there is no evening meal until they sort everything out in their boxes and take them up to their bedrooms. Everyone needs to understand that you are their mum, not slave.
My youngest son was hyperactive and a nightmare to care for. I found limiting what toys he had access to helped.
My eldest was a Lego fanatic, he loved tipping it out on the carpet to find the bits he wanted. The only way I could get him to clear it up was to turn on the vacuum and approach the Lego, saying it was going to be gobbled up unless he sorted it!! (We both knew I wouldn’t actually do that, it cost too much).
When they were about 8 and 10 I started a college couse, one day a week on Thursday. No.1 had to cook tea, always a casserole. Veg prepped and in the fridge, full instructions given. Husband said "you can tell it’s Thursday, tea is burnt. I explained the solution was simple. He and No.1 needed to check that there was enough water in the casserole. Thursday meals improved from then on!
Hi Jen, welcome to the forum
The efforts you’re making for your children are admirable, this is a difficult time for carers for all sorts of reasons.
We’re running series of online weekly meet ups for carers to get together and chat informally. People say they’ve found it really helpful and supportive and it’s nice to be able to take a little bit of time for yourself. There’s no pressure to share any more than you’re comfortable with. Join up details are here:
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/get-support/online-meetups
Do join if you’d like to
Best wishes
Jane
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/get-support/local-support
All you children are carers in their own right. As they have to except their other siblings difficulties. So they also need individual support.
Once you each have you own support package. Things should look very different.
Sunnydisposition raises a very good point.
In Hampshire where I live they have “Young Carers” groups, for children who have someone with special needs in their family. I wish they’d had these when my son was younger, as my eldest son missed out on so many things.
I think Barnardos also run young carer groups, and annual holidays.
Have a look and see what is available in your area. It might help them to talk about how they feel and give you a break too.