Hi there,
I am new to the forum and in desperate need of advice/information. My daughter is 23, and was diagnosed with ASD at a young age. She has always been aggressive to others, and therefore kept visitors to the house minimal.
She has multiple mental health issues as well, she is recovering from anorexia, has high anxiety and depression. She has never left the house alone, and always had 1:1 support at school/college.
My issue is her growing aggression has come to a head and she physically assaulted her 3 year old nephew who is non verbal and has Autism. She has been verbally abusive to his sisters in the past. I immediately took my grandson out of the house while my Son who also has Autism restrained her as she wanted to beat him with a shoe. I took my grandson well away from the house and reported what happened to Adult services and the GP.
Today my grandchildren’s mother was visited by a social worker and has been forced to sign a voluntary protective agreement. She is rightly furious. She has been told the police are also involved and I heard that my Daughter is being visited at home by the community mental health services .
I am heartbroken and torn that if my Daughter gets sectioned because of her aggressive behaviour how will she cope, but also I feel I have done absolutely everything to help and support her and nothing other than being with her 1:1 fir the rest of my life to the detriment of my other children and grandchildren will be good enough for her. I’ve had to give up countless jobs and career opportunities because of her issues and at my time of life (mid 50s) I’ve had enough. My older son although he has autism he is no bother and is suffering due to his sisters awful behaviour.
Has anyone been through this and could give an insight how to cope with the emotional side of this scenario.
I would be most grateful.
Something has to change, it’s sad that it’s come to this in a way, but you should never have been left to deal with this for so long on your own.
What sort of support did she have at school? Medication?
My son was brain damaged at birth, can’t read, write or do any maths, but pleasant and capable in some areas. In theory he lives alone with carer support, but I’m still expected to fill in lots of gaps! What will happen to him after I die is a huge worry.
Hi @Steph55. I have an adult son with autism who is generally quite sweet natured but can get verbally aggressive - physical aggression is, fortunately, very rare.
When he was 25, he moved into supported living, where staff support him with daily tasks but he has a reasonable amount of control over what he eats and his activities. We’re still very involved with his life, but the bulk of his caring needs are met by others. We saw this as vital for his future, as we won’t be around forever, and for our health and wellbeing too. Four years after he moved out, my wife had a spinal cord injury. Had our son still been with us at the time, I don’t think I could have coped.
I can’t advise you specifically on the physical aggression, as I don’t really have any experience of this directly. I will say that it’s better for your daughter to have no contact with small children. It’s very likely that their chatter and play causes a sensory overload and she’s trying to stop it by unacceptable means. That said, I’d recommend that you strongly consider that you’ve done more than enough and it’s time for someone else to take on the caring load. This may be a good time to discuss it with the social worker.
Thank you for your reply Charlesh47, it is much appreciated.
I have tried numerous occasions to get my Daughter assessed by adult services, it’s only now they are actually taking notice because of this incident which I have warned them about numerous occasions.
My Daughter is very sound sensitive, she hates the tv on and complains when her brother is watching something on his computer. He is so tolerant despite everything. My main worry if she’s sectioned is she is so particular about everything, especially food, rituals if she refuses to eat, and has no access to music on her phone, her laptop she will spiral further down. At the same time I would feel relieved for a bit of breathing space.
Her relationship with her sister is now completely destroyed, it was never a close one anyway as they are both very strong characters and I am completely torn because I hate what my daughter has done, and the negative aspects of her personality which are extremely draining but I love her as my child, especially as I have raised all my children as a single parent since they were very young.
She was doing very well on a specialist training course at a cafe, but given there are other vulnerable students and children there I don’t know if she will be able to continue especially if the police get involved.
It’s all so very overwhelming and am extremely grateful for all those that have reached out
Thank you so much for your reply.
My daughter had a 1:1 at school, no medication and in junior school was only in part time because she used to lash out at some pupils who would “push her buttons” .
Something definitely has to change, my Daughter is highly intelligent but is so demanding and mean to everyone despite my best efforts throughout her life I despair for her future.
I found her a place on a specialist training course two days a week, which she excels at in every aspect except her people skills. She is constantly criticising everyone else, making mean remarks and yet not accepting that she has serious flaws herself.
I have always been a very positive person, and have spent so long talking to her, nursing her through her anorexia completely alone and fighting her corner and I feel completely betrayed by her if I’m completely honest. I honestly wonder if all the sacrifice has been worth it.
You did your best, as any parent would, as I did for my son… I often say here that we have to look at what people NEED, not what they WANT. Sadly, your daughter needs, from what you describe, a secure environment. Not an area I know anything about I’m afraid.
@Steph55 it sounds like things have come to a head.
I hope your Grandson is ok.
I agree with @Charlesh47 that your daughter needs to stay away from children as it sounds like they cause sensory overload for her and this puts them and her at risk.
It’s my understanding that if your daughter agrees to support and intervention she wouldn’t be sectioned.This can be given in the community, however, it depends what is available where you live. Some local authorities have emergency community placements where support can be given.
It appears your daughter functions best in 1:1 situations so ideally needs supported living where she has her own space with support.
I totally get your concerns that she wouldn’t cope if sectioned with the noise and without the sensory and self regulating support of her music.
I hope the professionals take on board her autistic needs.
Thank you for your reply Melly1. My daughter was assessed today and is going to under the crisis mental health team for 8 weeks.
The police were also here and gave words of advice but my grandchildren will still have email under a section 47 and will not be allowed to come to my house. My other daughter who is my grandchildren’s mother is furious.
I have decided that when my Autistic daughter gets assessed by social services I am going to request that things be put in motion to get her ready for supported living, if they will allow that with her long history of aggression. I am not prepared to live the rest of my life with my grandchildren and my other Daughter not allowed to visit. My eldest son adores his nieces and nephew, and his other sister takes him out etc so it will cause major difficulties having her at home long term.
It’s a sad situation for everyone, part of me regrets reporting it but I just wanted to do the right thing 
@Steph55 , I think you had to report it. If it is has happened once, it could happen again, and if it happened in public someone could ask to push charges.
It’s good your daughter will be getting help from the MH team, but make sure they have information regarding her autism diagnosis so this informs the way they support her.
It isn’t sustainable for her to remain at home with you longterm and for your other daughter and grandchildren not visit. Plus, it sounds like she will find a place of her own less stressful.
Push for a sensory assessment for her (OT) so that her sound sensitivity is documented. It would be detrimental and very likely unsuccessful if this wasn’t taken into account when considering accommodation. An OT will also be able to work with her to help her develop strategies to cope with sensory overload and sensory strategies to help her anxiety.
Its very unfortunate that services waited for an incident to happen before providing support; however, you reporting it has finally got her some much needed support.