My husband is 64 and has had a drinking problem for at least 10 years. It’s become worse over time. He was told years ago that he has cirrhosis but that didn’t stop him from drinking. I begged and pleaded but he just didn’t want to help himself. Through counseling I was told that unless he wanted to help himself, there was nothing I could do, and that I should just look after myself.
In November he fell and broke his foot whilst I was in the US visiting my family. He was in hospital for about 4 weeks, then sent home and has been in a hospital bed in our living room ever since. I had carers coming in daily to move him to a chair via a hoist, and then later back to bed again. Physios came once a week and gave him exercises to do, which he didn’t want to do so I had to stand over him and make him exercise.
After 8 months he still can’t stand or walk. Last week he became severely confused and didn’t know where he was. I called 111 and they in turn called an ambulance. Last night I was told by the hospital consultant to prepare for the worst, because his body is shutting down due to liver disease.
All my family are in the US. His siblings are not nearby so I’m in this on my own. I’ve told them he was in hospital, but not what I was told yesterday. They’re all in their 70’s, so a lot older than us. He’s the youngest out if 4 of them. I don’t know how I’m going to tell them.
My emotions are all over the place. Sadness, guilt for not being able to help him, and anger at him for not helping himself. I’m still trying to process everything.
When the inevitable happens I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Will the hospital help or advise me? Where do I start? I’m lost.
@Butterfly23 Sending Cyber Hugs. You have all my sympathy because at his worst my husband was drinking 1 litre of vodka a day.
Have you thought about contacting Al Anon? They are a support group for families of alcoholics. Not sure if they have a support group near to where you are located. They may be able to help you through or at least give advise. I totally understand the ambivalent emotions too and the hardest thing to accept is that we can change OUR behaviour but not anyone else’s. Alternatively if you have a local Support for Carers it may be worth contacting them? They may have suggestions? I would think the hospital would keep you informed but in today’s NHS not sure.
I am sorry that you are alone and your family is in the USA as you must feel isolated. Please keep posting here and we WILL help you through. Hopefully you will get better advice from more experienced posters but wanted to acknowledge your post as I have every sympathy.
Hi @Butterfly23, sorry to hear about your husband. The hospital should help you with the outcome. When the time does happen make sure you got someone with you as it will be a shock to the system. Also see your GP and tell them what happened as you going to need support for your own mental health but also to sign you off from work. The undertaker also do help you with certain arrangements.
This will also help from the carers. Coping with bereavement | Carers UK.
@Butterfly23…so sorry to read this, sending you a big hug . It sounds like you’ve done everything you can to help your husband. Like you said there is only so much you can do if they won’t help themselves. My husband has numerous health issues, he nearly died on 2 occasions last year, and was bed bound in hospital for many months before going to rehab for physio and then came home but wouldn’t do his exercises, he’s now in a care home so I do
understand how frustrating this is for you and all the emotions you go through! Like @selinakylie says we are all here to support and help you, you are not alone. x
Hi @Butterfly23 So sorry to read of your situation. I think the suggestion of contating Al Anon is a good one as they will have experience of such situations and can advise you on that.
Also have you tried contacting the Chaplaincy Service at the Hospital. They are not just there for people of a particular Faith but everyone. They will offer a shoulder and an ear and can also help in this sort of case. In most hospitals there is an On-Call Chaplain (denomination can vary but they are all trained to the same standard) and I know they will be sympathetic to your situation. It may be that they could help with a phone call to relatives on your behalf or with you. It sounds like a phone call may be needed if time is short.
Whatever happens you need someone to help YOU as well. Chaplaincy can provide immediate care for you and assist in getting you the other help which you may need.
Have you contacted your GP as the Surgery should be able to assist or make an urgent referral for you.
Everyone on here is by your side, so don’t be alone. We are always here for you.
Sorry to hear your news, @Butterfly23. The worst thing about addiction is that the only person who can break the cycle is the person with the addiction. It may feel like an admission of guilt to tell his family, or of embarrassment for him, but they need to know and understand how hard it’s been for you. They need to know because they may want to say goodbye, if they can make the journey, or talk over Zoom on a tablet or phone.
Start with a notebook!
You need to know who you spoke to, where, when, what was agreed. Names addresses and phone numbers. Sadly, I’m very familiar with what to do etc but from a personal point of view when I’m stressed my memory can be poor.
As he has been ill for a while, I suspect you have been managing the finances? Has the doctor given you any idea of time scales? Days, weeks? Will he stay in hospital or transfer to a nursing home or hospice?
It would be helpful for you to see a counsellor to work through your feelings and support you through what is going to be a period of huge upheaval.
Hard as it is, I urge you to make as many arrangements as possible, as quickly as possible. M y apparently fit and strong husband died in his sleep, aaranging a funeral under those circumstances is awful. When mum was dying in a nursing home I spoke in advance to the undertakers and notified the home in advance. This was so much easier. If you haven’t used an undertaker before, you need to know what their charges are, and what sort of service you want? We have Muslims in the family so went for a non religious event. There are various formalities to go through, again, the undertakers can advise you. On the day of the service I told him to tell me what to do, where to go etc. It sounds terrible, but the hospital will want their bed back asap.
Just another thought. If you don’t want to tell the family the reaon for his liver failure immediately, could you just inform them that he has been admitted to hospital as an emergency and they have diagnosed ‘liver failure’. That way you don’t need to go into details as that can come out in due course. Only wonder if the information without additional facts might help in breaking the news.
So sorry to hear your news @Butterfly23. I am relatively new here, but we are all here to hold your hand and help you through this.
None of this is your fault. The best pieces of advice I have ever had from a therapist are “you cannot control the behaviour of others, only your own reaction to it” and “ you are not responsible for the happiness of others”. These are now mantras I carry with me (literally, written down on paper in my handbag!). Try and take some time for you, breathe deeply and you will get through it. We are here. Sending hugs to you.
Well done! It must have taken a lot to tell them, but now you have their support as well. It’s often the fear/concern of the reaction of others which is worse than the actual fact.
Just an update to say that he died on 23rd August. The hospital gave me a booklet on what to do and who to contact. This is hard, I’m sad, angry (that he didn’t help himself) but also feel huge relief that the caring is over. I don’t even feel guilty saying that. I’ve been signed off work while I deal with bereavement and funeral arrangements.
Thank you all for your supportive words, they really helped.
If there is anything we can help with, just ask. I would recommend a book called Starting Again by Sarah Litvinoff. Published by Relate a long time ago, but often on eBay, it’s an easy to read book that helps you look forward to the future. Really helped me.
@Butterfly23…so sorry to hear this. Your feelings are perfectly normal, you’ve been through so much. Take it easy and look after yourself, sending a big hug
. It sounds like you’ve done everything you can to help your husband. Like you said there is only so much you can do if they won’t help themselves. My husband has numerous health issues, he nearly died on 2 occasions last year, and was bed bound in hospital for many months before going to rehab for physio and then came home but wouldn’t do his exercises, he’s now in a care home so I do
). Try and take some time for you, breathe deeply and you will get through it. We are here. Sending hugs to you.