My husband, 80, frail and disabled, got sepsis almost a month ago. We have had a rollercoaster of ups and downs. We are due a hospital assessment tomorrow, with a view to him being discharged. In the last month, he has become unable to walk, lost a lot of weight and is incontinent with no bowel control either. He cannot stand or even move himself unaided. He has become a little absent minded, but other than that has his full mental capacity for his age. He cries a lot and wants to come home. He is old and suffering and that breaks my heart.
Tbh, I love him but I’m dreading him coming home as he can be quite difficult. Go back 30 years and I was the classic battered wife. We got through it, but time has a way of grinding one down. It’s like he needs someone to hate. He has always been that way, it was his boss, or the programmes on the tv, or anyone he could set his sights on, but the focus is now on me more than ever. I have no support. I have no friends, as he has over the years successfully isolated me. We also have no family or living relatives. Nevertheless, by nature I’m an optimist and a survivor whilst he is a pessimist and victim.
Prior to the sepsis, I was mentally and emotionally close to rock bottom and stressed out beyond belief. I had a stress related heart attack beck in 2009, so I do my best to cope and look after my own wellbeing. I’m 73 and good for my age I think. My only outlet is a 30 minute walk each day with our dog. I also do the shopping once a week. Hubby doesn’t like it, but I do it, as even a chat at the till is precious to me.
I feel so mixed up. I love him and feel great compassion for him and a part of me wants him home, but I know if/when he comes home, I will quickly be back to my own living hell. I am afraid of the future and just don’t see how I can cope. The irony is, until they know him, folks think he is wonderful and I feel guilty for even writing this here, I’m a private person, but if I don’t tell someone I’ll go mad.