Hi folks, I’m new here. Have been caring for both mum and dad for the last year. Both have dementia.
Was after some advice though. My mother likes a drink. If it’s in the house she will drink it. But every week on her shopping list there is a list of all the alcohol she wants. I’ve been buying her favourite white wine for her and watering it down with no alcohol wine and leaving only one bottle per night as she gets through a whole bottle a night. Then this week I gave in as she’s been going on and on about having a sherry, her favourite tipple, so I bought her a bottle and told her she should try to make it last. She drank it in one day along with the bottle of wine I left.
I’m feeling uncomfortable with limiting her consumption as I don’t know if I have the right to do that, but she also lives with dad who’s 93 and I’m worried she’ll have an accident or burn the place down…last year she fell down the stairs and broke her neck!!! We’ve since moved them to a ground floor apartment so that risk is eliminated, but what excuse do I have for not getting her what she wants?
Hi @kimbear and welcome to the Forum where you’ll find many new friends with experience and knowledge.
I have a friend on a Walk and Talk Group I joined whose husband is an alcoholic. If he gets hold of it, he consumes a litre bottle of vodka or gin or whisky a day. That’s unless he goes on a bender and then it can double as he drinks til he falls unconscious.
Julie tries to limit him - for his own good - but he transfers money to friends and gets them to go shopping for him and they think they are doing him a favour. Julie has recently started pointing out to them that they are facilitating an alcoholic who is killing himself and said “I cant stop you, but perhaps now you know the truth you will consider your actions” This cut off one of his main supplies. Recently his mobility scooter broke down so he is now reliant on her getting him supplies.
She was telling us about a conversation with a new GP in their practice who asked how much he was drinking and was shocked when he was totally upfront about it. Then Julie pointed out that six months before he’d been downing three times the amount and he realised it was BETTER!
Basically, I’m saying that if you need to do something to protect Mum, then do it. If you dilute the wine and she isn’t aware then it does no harm and actually helps HER. I would have no qualms doing it.
I suppose it’s rather like a smoker who is bought cigarettes and puffs away getting through multiple packets a day - they ARE harming themselves so a loved one may only buy one packet instead of four.
I have known a couple of friends whose partners are/were alcoholics and each has said “I cant stop him/her but I can try to protect them by reducing intake”. You could also argue that reduction could just produce side effects or prolong a life of misery due to cravings.
At the end of the day, I don’t think there is an easy answer, but I don’t think you should beat yourself up for TRYING to help Mum and protect her from herself. After all, I am sure you love her and would stop her putting her hand into a fire, so compare it to that situation.
Best wishes to you. You’ll find we all give support to others on here. Believe me today I have found myself smothered with support and it’s amazing to know I am not alone. I am sure you’ll be able to feel the same.
Thanks Chris. I am her only way of getting shopping, so it’s just down to me. Just was a bit unsure about human rights etc. I know what I’m doing is right, but people have a right to make bad choices with their lives. She does not think she has a problem. She thought she might have had one glass when she drank 2 bottles!
Welcome to the forum.
Whenever dementia is mentioned I always ask if all the benefits they are entitled to are being claimed? Attendance Allowance is fairly well known but less well known is an EXEMPTION from Council Tax due to “severe mental impairment”. A horrible term, but straightforward to claim.
How old are you? It would be a good idea to employ someone for a few hours a week to help clean so that they are used to someone else being around, and reduce your workload. Then in the event of you being ill, someone is familiar with them and their routine.
At 54, I thought I was fit and well, with a bit of indigestion. I was diagnosed with a very serious health issue and had major surgery almost immediately!