Dad only 58 with dementia (alcohol related brain damage)


This is my first time posting I have come here because I have spent 3 days beside myself beating myself up. I’m 33 weeks pregnant and currently under consultant due to potential issues with birth weight, I also have a 10 year old (I know its not about me but the stress is making me so bad and impacting my family so I needed to come somewhere for some support).

My dad who is 58 has dementia (korsakoffs syndrome or alcohol related brain damage as its also known) is currently residing with my nan who is 83, the reason for this is that my dad who is an alcoholic was being abused by his partner back in 2017 he ended up being discharged from hospital and in order to be safeguarded from his ex partner, ended up living with my Nan. This was supposed to be temporary to get him better and keep him safe as her address is somewhat of a distance away from the abuser so it was intended to stop her from continuing the abuse. This worked and she stopped. However my nan has had enough of looking after him and understandably states that the use if alcohol is too much along with preparing his meals and ensuring meds are taken etc she has also refused any outside help (I have tried so many times) my dad is not abusive or even difficult while under the influence so I would like to abolish the stereotypical view of someone who’s alcohol dependent voilent etc. I’m not condoning his use in any way shape or form in fact if I had a magic wand I’d wish for the dad and grandad we all deserve, someone who’s attentive and caring about us and the impact these choices have had on us. He loves us I’m sure of that but I wish things were different. I’m sad he’s sad and that will never change.

My dad is very troubled and I’m sure he is bipolar he will not take any help to stop drinking and will state that he likes it, now this had made my life very hard as he could have been to rehab and if willing, lived a wonderful life having retired early on a beach somewhere but hey ho that’s my dream not his.

His condition will deteriate while he keeps drinking, he has no short term memory and if lived alone would not do the typical tasks to take care of himself. In fact he would drink a lot and probably be dead within months. The only reason he has made somewhat of a recovery is because my nan and I have made sure he has eaten properly and take his meds etc, malnourishment was the cause of his severe onset of this condition (thiamine depletion) basically he didn’t eat or drink his only intake was alcohol.

Anyway he needs to move out of my nans now she is exhausted and feels he needs more support, she just doesn’twant him there no longer. He could do things himself and is able bodied but whether he would is a different question he certainly wouldn’t take meds on time and eat /drink properly. There’s also a high risk he may drink whenever he feels like it because nobody is there to restrict him I also worry what means he may go to to get it.

I dont know what to do for the best he’s told me he doesn’t want to live in a care home or retirement village so my next thought was sheltered living with carerrs going in but this allows many risk as stated above. My family have today found a home which seems OK but he is reluctant he says he just wants to stay with his mummy. I love him I want to make the best choices for him without restricting his independence but I also want him to be safe and not want him to drink himself to death because nobody will be there to tell him what number of cans he’s on.

I just don’t know what to do I am the only child and I have poa but I feel I am not following his wishes by ‘putting him in home’ especially this young. The only worry is what if he just refuses? I’m already under so much stress what would happen if he said no or even worse case scenario ran away because this isn’t what he wants? He will always resent me for helping make the home move happen.

I think he still has capacity so I don’t even know if I could process something he didn’t really want anyway.

I’m just torn between essentially what feels like taking away his independence in order to keep him safe and healthy knowing its not what he wants nor what he wants to spend his life long earnings on OR taking a chance for him to live independently making him feel like a normal human being with the massive risk that he may go down hill very quickly and kill himself anyway but at a faster rate than he is right now.

So sorry for the massive essay but I can’t handle how difficult this is right now my family say I have 14 days for this reserve on the home to expire in that time they want me to arrange a pre assessment for him in the meantime I am back and forth from the hospital with concerns my baby isn’t growing as well as she should, even worse if I get induced early it will be exactly on the date the room at this home comes available :S

Thank you in advance for any support and advice

Here it IS all about you, as a carer.

Have you spoken to Social Services about a “Best Interests Meeting”?
Explain that this is a matter of EXTREME URGENCY as you cannot do anything more.

In fact you must now step back from it all for a few months now.

It’s sounds as if you are expected by the whole family to wave a magic wand and make things better. That is not what a POA is really about.

Hide all of his bottles of wine etc. Ask him either to find part time work or to be socially independent.

Someone with alcohol related dementia would find it almost impossible to find find part time work and would somehow find away to purchase alcohol. They need specialist help, to become non reliant on it…