Advice on caring for my Dad

I’m sorry this message is graphic so please don’t read it if you are squeamish about poo, testicles, or both.

Hello. My Dad is 76. I am 41. He came to stay with me in January on discharge from hospital for a broken femur. He broke his femur after falling downstairs in the home he shared with his partner of thirty years. She is not going to have him back. He is an alcoholic. My plan was to get him better prior to my move to the USA in March. The day after I left for the USA he fell from the toilet and “degloved” himself on the arm of his wheelchair which was on the wrong way round and had a sharp edge. He was taken to hospital and had his scrotum sewn back together, and was discharged back to my flat a couple of days later. I returned from USA 9 days ago and was pretty shocked by how much worse he was. He is now doubly incontinent and his scrotum has split open completely along one side and on the underside after he fell out of bed twice in one night. I am doing my best to nurse him. District nurse comes a couple of times a week, a different one each time. When he loses control of his bowels I clean him by taking him to the bathroom and pouting warm water with top-to-toe baby wash over him front and back as many times as necessary. He finds this traumatic. I run the bath while I am doing it with lavender flash in it because I am afraid of being sick while cleaning him up. When he is clean and dry I take him back to his bed to lie down and put some non-stick dressing behind his scrotum to try and protect it from further infection, and then I come in my room and try not to cry. I don’t have any gloves or anything like the nurse has, I wonder if I should ask them for some or if that is selfish when their need is so great. My family (adult daughter, sister, brother in law, mum,…) and friends do not really support my decision to care for my Dad, as he did not look after us when we were children, and isn’t very nice to people. If I don’t care for him he will go into hospital / a care home and die, I am sure of it. I am really sad. It is the double incontinence that I am finding the most difficult to deal with.

Oh lily

So sad for all you are going through…

The above link is an alternative to having no conventional plastic gloves.

Like wise you can use large plastic bin bags as an apron.

Additionally you could make alternative face masks…

Stop using chemicals for personal care/ toilet issues. If you are using flannels/face cloths. Try and use/change to sponges. Although given the amounts of bowel movements. This might be a little more difficult. As sponges would need to be thrown away if unable to be thoroughly cleaned.

If you can get some Vaseline for your nose. This would also help with tolerating the adours.

I do think you need to get some medical intervention and/or advice.

Thank you very much for these useful links, I really appreciate it.

Now a difficult question for you. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
If not, then you are going to have to do something about it, because it suits everyone else for your role to become the “Sacrificial Lamb”, while you do it, they don’t have to.
Who owned the house where he was living with his partner? Owned or rented?

Hi Lily

I have some left over large gloves from my old job. I gave some to local pharmacist but if large will fit you I will post some for you. They are good ones powder free nitrile so should not cause allergy. If you would like some please PM me your address.

Lily, what support are you currently getting from the District Nurses? You mention giving dad a bath to clean him up, but I’m not sure that this is the best thing to do when he has a wound. Do you have a named nurse you can talk to? Would you like one?

Hello Lily, welcome to the forum. I’m so sorry to read about your situation.

I’m sure there are many on here who will identify with you and offer further support but meanwhile, have a look at our practical support pages for advice on care and support:

Best wishes