Caring for my dad, brain hemorrhage

Please can somebody point me in a direction that is going to help me please.

My dad (73) suffered a brain hemorrhage when I was 10 years old when he was 46. He was in intensive care for 6 months. He survived miraculously but suffers very short term memory.

My mum cared for him until Dec/Jan 2020, when she passed away in February from cancer.
She was my world.
I’ve gone from her diagnosis to caring for her to hospitalisation to 3 weeks being by her side on her death bed to coronavirus to lockdown whilst trying to keep my head above water with my 2 childrens grief, my grief, working night shifts x 3 times a week, my husband working in our living room full time +, homeschooling and being a carer for my dad living 15 miles away.

I’m not sure I can take it for much longer.
He receives zero carers or help from anyone.
My brother is next to useless when it comes to washing, cleaning, cooking, insulin jabs etc etc the list goes on.
My sister lives in Norwich and has a toddler. Mum passed the day after her first granddaughters birthday.

We are all really struggling with the constant questions when there and just general life with him.
He just in does everything we do to try and help. He degrades us as women (his mum disowned him from the age of 16)

What do I do? How do we get carers or help when the doctor says he has no physical cause for concern? He can shower, dress etc but can’t cook, he will forget to turn oven off. Etc etc

My mum was the loveliest person you’d ever meet. Her funeral was packed out. How can I grieve without causing a breakdown to myself.
My eldest son was like her 4th child due to me having him at 19, they were so close.
I have lots of support from my husband as in listening to me rant. I feel my social life has stopped because I don’t have any time for anything else.

Could someone please point me in a direction for any charity’s or websites I could have a look at??

Thankyou for reading and sorry about the rant :frowning:

Hi Jane and welcome to the forum

I’m in a different situation regarding care but I cannot understand how your doctor doesn’t see your dad’s situation as being extremely dangerous. My mum has poor short term memory and gas has been left on. On one occasion I’d just returned from a medical appointment of my own and could smell it immediately on entering the house. We were both very lucky.

Can you contact social services? They should be able to give you advice about carers at least. It seems like your dad needs watching all the time and that means you need some time off, more than ever now.

Carers can be very deceitful on how they apply themselves but I certainly think it would be worth having a chat with your social services.

Best wishes to all of you, David

Your workload is TOO HIGH!

Start by asking Social Services covering dad’s area to do an urgent Needs Assessment for dad, and Carers Assessment for you. Explain the situation and say that you can only care for dad until the end of next week. They have special teams to keep people at home, rather than admit them to hospital or residential care.
You CANNOT carry on like this. When I had counselling, my counsellor told me I had to set clear priorities. My son with severe learning difficulties had to come before my housebound mum. Mum could speak up for herself, my son couldn’t. I explained this to mum, she didn’t like not being top dog, but she had to agree with my decision.
Your children deserve a happy mum, so they have to come first.
Now for a few questions looking at dad’s longer term care needs.
Does he own his house, or rent it?
Does he have over £23,000 in savings?
Is he claiming Attendance Allowance?
It is very possible that he is exempt from Council Tax due to “Severe Mental Impairment”. This can be backdated. Someone has reclaimed £8,000!
Do you have Power of Attorney?

What things are you looking for re: charities etc. Help with grants / support ?

Thankyou for some of your replies, it’s very appreciated.
We’ve contacted social services several times and they don’t want to know. I’ve been told numerous times, if he can dress, feed and bathe himself then it looks very doubtful to receive any help.
He is in a council house so pays rent, no attendance allowance and no savings at all. I’ve got the doctor calling me on Thursday and hopefully Something will be done.
Yes we have power of attorney too divided by all us 3 children.

I’ve also been told to tell the doctor That he will be on his own from next week. I feel awful doing that and would never abandon him but I feel like I have to for anything to be done about it.

I shall keep you updated and see what the doctor says on Thursday. I will look into this attendance allowance as maybe we could pay for some care for him at least.
It’s a very sad situation to say the least.

I shall have a look at that link Thankyou.

From now on, keep a diary of what is happening. You have to be very firm about what you can and cannot do, for the sake of your family.