Advice Needed Please

Hi all,

I’m just seeking a bit of advice regarding my parents.

At the moment mum is getting higher attendance allowance after becoming totally blind then having a fall, my dad is her main carer.

They moved from their own bungalow to assisted living due to the size of property and Dad’s refusal to let anyone come in a help – perfectionism, nothing was ever good enough! So I suggested they do this, it was a big upset at first but they came around to idea and are now happy living there.

I’m becoming concerned that Dad is becoming more forgetful, it’s small things, but the same things each time according to mum, forgetting to take keys, money etc when leaving the apartment and also his general health is failing too, he’s had a few surgeries and is waiting on another consultation for a problem with his leg.

At the moment I’m the back-up carer, so if anything happens to Dad such as he has to go into hospital, then I’m expected to care for Mum, last time he didn’t even ask but that’s another story.

A bit about me, I work full time; I can’t work from home as my work cannot be done remotely. Also, I am the main wage earner for our house and wouldn’t want to give up work anyway as I’ve worked long and hard to make a career for myself. I get 5 weeks holiday per year using up holidays isn’t an option as I’m going through a period of ill health too and have used combination of holidays and sick pay to get through and keep us going, plus I need remaining holiday for family time and child care in the summer break.

I need to know what help could be available for my parents if I’m not able to help, say if there was emergency and I’m not around. What steps do we need to be putting in place now so when the time comes so we’re not in a mad panic? Any suggestions gratefully received!

Feeling caught in the middle, fed up and wondering what on earth to do next. :frowning:

Hi & Welcome Kara

Your parents require a needs assessment…

This would develop a care plan which gets updated when things change. An emergency care plan would be written and implemented.

You do not need to leave your employment or take time off. You would need to be very strong in your conversations with your parents. That if they refuse a needs assessment that you are not able to provide any care due to you own responsibilities. Like not wanting to move to supporting living scheme.

Dear Kara_2203
Hi. Im Kristie a volunteer online community host for Carers UK. I hope i can help by giving you some information below and i hope that fellow carers will be able to help you. I also hope that the information you find on the website will help you too.
So welcome to the forum! You are not alone in your caring role and i am sure that many on here will understand exactly how you feel and will offer you the support that you need. Caring can be very lonely and the pandemic has made caring responsibilities challenging as many carers have been socially restricted and have been unable to attend social groups etc.
Carers UK are running two online weekly meet ups for carers and you can find the information on how to register at Care For A Cuppa:-Online meetups | Carers UK. The second online weekly meet up is called Share And Learn:-Share and Learn | Carers UK.
Our telephone number for Carers UK is 0808 808 7777 and the line is open from Monday to Friday between the hours of 9am-6pm. Our email address for Carers UK is (
They provide information and guidance to unpaid carers. This covers:-
-Benefits And Financial Support
-Your Rights As A Carer In The Workplace
-Carers Assessments And How To Get Support In Your Caring Role
-Services Available To Carers And The People You Care For
-How To Complain Effectively And Challenge Decisions
Best Wishes

You don’t have to quit your job or take time off. Be strong !

If your parents are in “assisted living” they should have arrangements in place for assistance.
Is this available?
Or is mum choosing you over the care available??