11 years a carer;27 alone and left behind

I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve got to the point where i am so alone in every way you can imagine. I’ve been a carer for my dad since i was 16; i’ve had to become the adult at a very early age, And now i am an adult i just sit in the house alone online all day. I feel sad, lonely, pointless and invisible, All my friends and family have children careers and i know when they look at me they just feel sorry for me and it’s so humiliating. I just want someone like me in my life; i’m not the person i used to be. i started smoking weed just to dull out life and now it’s become a whole other problem. I have no self esteem. Everyone in my life knows i’m alone and doing the same thing every day and it so humiliating. I haven’t been intimate in 9 years with anyone because of how i have deteriorated throughout the years physically and mentally. I don’t see a way out; it may sound cruel but my own way out is when my father passes away but what then. I’m going to be to old inexperienced socially retarded. Nobody asks me how life is anymore because everyone knows. I lived on my own until 5 years ago when my dad got too sick to live on his own. And i had the perfect life, job, meeting people everyday, a purpose in life. Now i’m scared how this is going to end for me. It’s not that people in my life don’t care i suppose it’s just a relentless cycle that im on and everybody has just accepted that’s how i am now “she’s okay, it’ll all be fine in the end” i don’t know when the end is though and if it will be to late for me. I don’t know what to do anymore i feel like running away and start over again but i love my dad and he has nobody he is just as lonely as me he cant cope.

Hello Sian and welcome to the forum

Like you I’m in the house every day feeling “sad, lonely, pointless and invisible”. I care for my 92-year-old mother who suffers from Alzheimer’s disease. I can’t really blame this virus for my not leaving the house because the only time I did leave before lockdown was to visit the shop or for medical appointments. I’m too ashamed to contact virtually all old friends left because of my situation and appearance and I can’t even drive anymore due to uncontrolled epilepsy. I’ve pretty much lost all confidence.

I know you feel time slipping by, because it is, but you are still only 27. Is there any possible way you can express your feelings to a family member? I’ve fallen out with my sister who turned her back on our situation and I have no one to talk to. The few messages I’ve posted here did help me feel a little better for a couple of days but I’m down again today. I was advised to keep posting.

Are you in contact with Social Services? Do you have a carer who visits your home to help with your father? The social worker my mum has had for 3 years is quite reasonable for once but mum has no carer because, yet again, the person had filled in the logbook with lies. Now I stand outside the bathroom door handing things in and taking towels out as mum sits on a bathroom chair hiding behind a shower curtain.

And as each day passes by I feel very similarly to the way you must feel. I don’t want to terrify you Sian, or depress you any further, but speak to your GP about your situation soon. You’ve done a lot from a young age and you can’t be expected to carry on indefinitely.

Very best wishes, David

Tell us more about dad. Age? Disability? Does he own or rent his home?

hi david
If anything this lockdown has made me feel a bit more normal because i knew everyone was in the house like me. i know how you feel it’s hard to contact old friends when i’ve been away so long i don’t feel like a good friend anymore. Everyone says you’re still young but when i look at other people in life at my age they’ve achieved so much; i just feel like a loser. I’m the total opposite of what i used to be confident, loud, happy never boring. I’ve lost three stone within a year im working out so i can feel as positive about myself as i can. But the stresses of this life and the loneliness is sometimes too much.
I’m sorry you don’t speak to your sister anymore. Is there anyway you could get back in touch? Luckily i have my big sister who is my best friend but she has children and a life i don’t want to drag her down. I spoke to her a few hours ago and she said she thinks i need to go to the doctors and that i can talk to her and come over anytime. But you know how i feel it’s like people feel sorry for me.
Yes i’ve had social services involved when i was a lot younger to kind of help me get to grips with my new life. My dad is too proud of a man to have carers come into the house.
I have the same problems as you it seems helping my dad shower ect isn’t easily mentally or physically but i don’t want to let him down when he doesn’t have anyone else. Before all this i was working thinking about uni and now i feel old, dragged down and unloved.
Thanks for taking the time to talk to me. I’m a very strong person and have never done anything like this or asked for help so thank you david.

Hi Sian

I know exactly what you mean about others and what they’ve achieved: looking at old friends and where they are in life now makes me feel shameful.

I can understand your pride too but you’ve made quite a step - as I did a few days ago - in posting here. I’d think seriously about taking up your big sister’s offer of visiting her, assuming your father’s safe to leave by himself.

Good luck with it all, David

Hello Sian

I just wanted to say that there’s a lot in your post which resonated with me. I’m a few years younger but my entire life is spent at home caring for my older sibling, since the age of about 7. I haven’t had a single friend in years (literally) so I really empathise with your feelings of depression and loneliness. I’m sorry I can’t be of any more help but I hope you have a good weekend. If you ever want to chat, feel free to message me… if it’s possible on this site; I’m new here myself!

All best xx