Worries about Dad

All about caring
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I have been a member here under another user name for years, but have now started a new account as I want to remain anonymous (hence the name), as this is a difficult subject. I hope this won’t turn into too long a post, but feel I need to give some background to explain the current difficult situation, before I ask for advice.

My Dad is in his 80’s, fit for his age, still drives and works part-time and was widowed about 15 years ago when my Mum passed. He has done amazingly well without her, as Mum did everything in their marriage, and I am so proud of how he has coped … all except the one thing that causes me so much worry … his “toxic” relationship with my Brother. Brother has always relied on Mum and Dad for everything, never married, had a few failed relationships, but always returned home and is now living with Dad full-time. He has always been a strange character, with quirks and behaviours which sometimes seemed a little odd. He was finally diagnosed with Aspergers as an adult about 10 years ago. Since then, he had a major “bust-up” with me over something very trivial and told me never to speak to him again. He can be very abusive and aggressive, so I have just avoided contact with him ever since, which has also meant I have distanced myself from Dad as well. One of Brother’s asperger traits manifests in hoarding tendancies, and he has filled Dad’s home with belongings, so Dad hardly has space to turn around, only one empty chair to sit in and just enough space to cook and prep-food. I haven’t actually been inside the house for several years now, as Dad is so embarrassed, and tells me not to visit. Dad does come here every now and then for a meal, but is never keen to travel to us, as when he is here he is always hinting he must get home to see what Brother is up to. He hates being with him, but cannot seem to stay away.

Brother attempts to run his own business, but his vehicle is always breaking down, and he expects Dad to run him around to jobs, quotes etc, which gets me so annoyed. I have told Dad to ignore his pleas for help, or at least get some petrol money etc. Dad feels obliged as if Brother cannot get work, he has no money to fix his van, so it’s a vicious circle. Brother doesn’t contribute towards bills etc, although apparently buys his own food now, which Dad did until recently. As I said, Dad works part-time and earlier this year, I had a call from his boss, saying he had been taken ill at work. I rushed there, to find he had been taken to hospital with a suspected TIA, which tests confirmed. Dad had run out of meds, which had caused this at the time, but I do worry that he may be getting muddled and confused, so this may happen again. Today I have had his boss on the ‘phone again, saying Dad had been very abusive to another member of staff today, which is not like him at all, and although he did apologise later, she is very concerned that he is not himself. I explained (which she already knows) the difficult home situation Dad has to struggle with and that I have been told numerous times that I am not to go there. If I ignored this and turned up on the doorstep, it would enrage my Brother and probably make things worse for Dad in the long-run. I know the day is coming when Dad will no longer be able to drive, live independently etc. Their house is rented in Dad’s name, so if he has to give this up, Brother will have to get out.

I am now stuck, not knowing what to do. I cannot ring to discuss this as Dad will know that his boss has called me. I cannot turn up there and risk inflaming the difficult relationship that Dad and Brother already have. I cannot force Dad to throw my Brother out. I cannot go in and clear all the cr@p in the house and make Dad’s life so much easier and more comfortable. I did think about doing an anonymous Social Services referral to request they visit and assess Dad, but he will naturally assume his boss has done this, so will not help things there. Hubby said there is nothing I can really do … its just a car-crash waiting to happen, and I will have to pick up the pieces when it does happen. TBF, I have been worrying about this for a long time, and know it will come to a head at some point, so the call today hasn’t really increased that worry. I feel all I can do is sit back and let things run their course. I tell Dad often that I am here for him if he wants or needs anything, and that is all I can do for now.

Sorry, this has as expected, turned out very long, and I am not expecting anyone to come up with a solution, but just putting it down in writing has helped me somewhat. Thanks if you have got this far x

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hi @Anon_Emouse , sorry to hear about your troubles. Look if I was you, I would report it to someone even the police or have a quite word with his boss and ask her to speak to SS on your behalf if you still don’t want to do this. You could put a request into the fire service for a free fire safety check as they will do a check and send something off or the ambulance service. I think your dad is now asking for help but is too scare to say anything because of your brother and if he is acting out of his normal behaviour then something got to be done. I have been there my self with other family memebers and ok it can get messy but at the end of the day someone is accountable. But what ever you do I hope this will help ease the issue with you and also sod your brother attuide ,at the end of the day you are looking out for your dad than him. All the best.

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A difficult situation.
My son rents his flat, and has 3 month routine inspections. They let us know in advance in case any odd jobs need looking at, but he keeps his place incredibly tidy, some inspections are over in 2 minutes!
This has made me wonder if dad’s landlord does inspections?
Does he realise how bad the place is?
Does he even know brother is living there?
Your brother needs his own place, so dad can live peacefully.How old is dad?

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Thanks for reply. Dad is 85. Brother has lived there for many years, even before mum passed away. Dad is pretty with it and knows how bad the place is. When we speak on the phone he tells me about it often, but I feel so helpless that can’t change it for him. Brother will never move out willingly, he cannot afford a place of his own and our local social housing is pretty much non-existent even for homeless families, so he wouldn’t be on anyone’s priority list. I know all dad’s problems revolved around him, and I would love Dad to have a clean, tidy home and for me to be more involved in helping him in his old age, but what can I do to change the situation. If I go there, it would just result in a huge meltdown/argument and then Dad would have to live with the fall-out from it. If I get any services involved, I don’t even think they could resolve it, as Brother will still be the contributory factor in everything thats wrong there. Dad rents from housing association and they rarely if ever do any property visits, and even if I tipped them off to the state of the place, I doubt they would act, only advise and nothing would change. I think Brother would then assume Dad had instigated this, and so the cycle would continue. I wish I could do more, but I am at a total loss.

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Thanks for reply. I am just so afraid if I get any official services involved, Brother would assume Dad had instigated this, and take it out on him. Even if it was done anonymously, he would guess someone with inside knowledge of Dad’s home situation had tipped them off. Other than sending “the boys around” to forcibly evict my Brother, which Dad would probably fight anyway as after all, he is his son, nothing is going to change.

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My mum was a hoarder, just too much stuff. She had more Erco furniture than the Ercol shop. Steadfast refusal to get rid of anything. Counselling helped me accept that she was beyond help. If she had let me empty the main bedroom and have an en-suite fitted, she could have ended her life in her home of 50 years. One night she fell, went into hospital and never went home again. Her last year was awful, in the best nursing home in the area, refused to join in anything. It took my big strong sons and I a year to empty her home! Sometimes acceptance is the hardest thing of all. If dad mentions it, you have to decide on what I call “the stuck record player approach”. Use the same phrase endlessly, maybe point out that it is HIS responsibility to tell brother, but if it gets too bad he might be evicted. Also point out that unless brother is listed as a tenant, a month after dad dies brother will be EVICTED!

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Incidentally, my son has severe learning difficulties, so cannot work. He lives in a privately rented flat which is almost fully funded by Housing Benefit. The amount depends on each council, it’s called the “Local Housing Allowance”.
Does your brother work?
Is he disabled?

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Thanks for reply. I am trying to be strong and just accept it and for the most part I can, but then when well-meaning people like dad’s boss ring to tell me how concerned she was about his outburst this week, its so hard to get across that I CANNOT do anything to change that situation. Its not that I am not interested or concerned myself, just that NOTHING in my power will resolve it until brother or Dad (sadly) are no longer around. I have already said to my hubby that there is nothing in Dad’s house that I want or need if he passes, as he gave me all my mum’s jewellery and personal stuff when she passed, and he has very little in savings. His funeral is all paid for and I have the documents for that. I know it may be years yet before that time comes, but when the house has to be returned, I am not going to get involved in the clearance and Brother can deal with the Bailiffs! When I speak to Dad I do express my sympathy, but always ask what he wants me to do about the situation and he agrees there is nothing that I can do to help, but he just needs to “offload” it sometimes. In answer to your 2nd reply, Brother runs (or attempts to run) his own home improvements business (as I mentioned in my original post). His vehicle is always breaking down and he then expects Dad to ferry him to jobs - at 85! Its taking the P*$$ really, but Dad does it for a quiet (or quieter) life as avoids any further upset and issues if he just sucks it up. Brother might be able to play the “aspergers” card for housing when the time comes, but I doubt he would be able to qualify for any help.

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Brother should be able to get his own flat IF he wanted to, but that’s the issue really, easiest to stay with dad then he doesn’t have to take responsibility. Maybe gently pointing out regularly to both dad and brother that if it’s rented from council or housing association, like it or not brother will be given notice to leave if dad goes into care or dies
Sadly, well meaning people who have never cared for anyone long term make well meaning suggestions to make them feel better having given “advice” however inappropriate it may be. On the other hand, sometimes something can be suggested that is very relevant and makes a huge difference. I’ve learned far more from other carers than anyone in authority. It’s not a perfect world.