Hi I’m 36 years old and currently caring for my husband for the last 5 years we been together 22 years I dont no were to turn hes very demanding shouts at me alot hes threatened suicide saying it’s my fault because I wont attempt to be intimate with him he trys to bribe me to be intimate he stops me from using the car as he says it’s his car and I spend all his money I pay Bill’s for us he sulks really bad when hes not getting his own way n dosnt care about anyone but himself he calls me thick n useless daily that hes cleverer hes been telling lies to people about me causing social services to come out I was hurt by him I do everything for him feed him wash his clothes wash him dress him cut his hair I cant cope anymore I’m mentaly drained every time we argue he shouts at me n threatens to get me n 3 kids removed from our family home my youngest is 7 and adhd it’s a worry as he wouldn’t cope well with the change hes says hed get our house as it’s been adapted for him and hes disabled and would get priority
This is domestic abuse!
What is the case of his disability?
You CANNOT be forced to car for him, even if he’s your husband.
He cannot force you to have sex with him either!
Anyone who treats his wife like he does should not be surprised that you re not in the mood!
Start by asking Social Services for an Urgent needs assessment.
Do NOT move out.
He has ms hes always been controlling but the ms has made it worse its unbearable to live with my older children see things but hes saying I’m influencing them I feel so lonely at min I have come to realise the thought of being a single mum n having nothing has to be better than living like this he thinks as hes in a wheelchair that he gets priority and that no one should moan about things as hes the way he is and that worse than anyone being I’ll he has the attitude he can do what he wants and speak to people how he wants hes critical of everyone very negative person
Hello Lovely. My honest opinion is that this is an abusive relationship. Threatening that your children will be taken away and pretending he is going to commit suicide are controlling behaviours to get what he wants. You don’t have to stay in a relationship with someone who calls you thick. He certainly doesn’t deserve your care. Sex without consent even within a marriage is rape.
Women’s Aid and Refuge have a joint helpline. 0808 2000 247. It is 24hrs. Make today the day you give them a call.
Please get yourself some help and advice. This doesn’t have to continue. I know after 22 years it might be hard to make a move, but you can do this.
xxxx
Have you asked the MS Society for advice?
I have known several people with MS, none were nasty like this. I’ll use that word again NASTY.
Can’t ever remember using it on the forum, but surely that is what he is?
I have a friend who developed MS when caring for her profoundly handicapped son. She went on to have two more children and is a lovely mum. Surely a good dad would care about his children and do everything possible for them to enjoy their lives, and his company.
I cannot see any point in staying married to him, the marriage has been effectively over some time. Ultimately, I see divorce as the only answer. You and your kids DESERVE a happy life and happy home, where you have peace, can feel safe, do as much or as little as you want.
I’ll focus on how to achieve this, but first need a bit more information.
What is your family financial position?
Who owns the house?
Does he have any income or assets other than benefits?
Can you tell me a bit more about the car?
Is it a Motability car?
Can he still drive?
Focus just on you and the kids from now on.
Is he still capable of physically abusing you?
Whenever he is rude to you, just walk out and shut the door.
Do you still share the same bedroom?
Hi yes we both on the mortgage for the house we both dont have any savings just benifits which are in his name esa he says that’s his money but I pay Bill’s with it as otherwise we would of lost our home
Yes it’s a mobility car for him and I shouldn’t use it but it replaced our family car and he wont let me buy one for myself as he says we cant afford it
He cant physically walk so if he was physical I would be able to get away from him
He can no longer drive
Unfortunately I am sharing a bedroom single beds as there is no were else for me to sleep other than couch but he stays up late watching tele in living room I agree our relationship has been dead for a while but I felt guilty that he dosnt have anyone other than me and his kids and he says I married him so it’s my job to look after him
Emma
Don’t feel guilty. He chooses to behave like this. If he was a kind loving husband you wouldn’t be thinking of leaving.
A marriage is supposed to be a partnership. It is not about his car. His money. These should be shared things, because you are part of a team .If he can’t see this, he isn’t worth staying with. My husband earns a lot more than me I would be horrified if he said what he earnt was his!
Please make a change.
XX
Emma
It’s not your JOB to look after him! Marriage and partnerships are about caring for each other. Talking is important, and he obviously doesn’t talk to you but demands, and demeans you. I know he is ill but so will you be if you stay with him. Even when my recently late hubby was diagnosed with vascular dementia he loved me. In lucid moments he would get very cross if he thought another resident in the nursing home was swearing at me. I treasured those moments. He was my soulmate, through the ups and downs of life. You deserve so much more than your husband’s treatment to you, and your children deserve to have you at least feeling safe and contented.
Be brave, and I understand it will take courage.
My thoughts are with you.
Emma, am I right in thinking that you have been together since the age of 14?
I met my OH when I was 16, married at 19,in later years we realised how young we were, and how lucky it all worked out.
It doesn’t always.
Clearly from what you are currently doing, you are doing an awful lot to help him, but he is doing NOTHING.
Some people may quote the marriage vows at you, but you BOTH made those vows.
What has he done to “love and cherish” you???
A long time ago, about 1972 I met an elderly lady who was about to have her Golden Wedding.
I was either engaged or newly married at the time, and said how lovely.
“Is it? I’ve been married to THAT for 50 years!” She hated her husband, but the stigma of going through divorce proceedings would have been great, so they stuck together for appearances sake. Two sad, wasted lives.
I went home, told my OH and said that if he ever felt like that, to let me know and we would call it a day.
Ultimately, we are all responsible for our own happiness. Your husband for his, and you for yours.
If he is refusing medication and treatment to help him feel better, that is HIS CHOICE.
I suspect he is trying to undermine your esteem to keep you as his slave.
I believe you are worth so much more.