Wife and I struggling, mental health services useless

Hi, new here. Sorry if this is all a bit long.

A little background first. I’ve been full time caring for my wife for a while now. She was originally diagnosed with anxiety & depression but has since been diagnosed with EUPD (BPD). Doctors have told me that they think she is also suffering with PTSD, although they wanted to try and stabilize the EUPD first before trying to make a formal diagnosis. We also suspect she may be somewhat autistic, we spoke to our GP about this and they agreed that it did seem like a strong possibility but said that there were no services within our area to diagnose adult autism, they applied for funding to send her to a different trust for diagnosis but this was denied.

She has had 2 previous week long stays on a mental health ward after multiple suicide attempts, the first of these was when she was given the EUPD diagnosis. She was assigned a care coordinator who has worked through guided formulation with her and referred her for DBT, unfortunately the group nature of the DBT just caused my wife to have panic attacks so that didn’t work out. Since then the care coordinator has come round once a month or so, offered no more support and has now said that she will be discharging my wife from the service as they have nothing else to offer. It seems it’s group DBT or nothing!

On her good days my wife is able to leave the house as long as I stay by her side the whole time, but most days she can’t even do that and on bad days she often won’t even leave the bed. Now someone (we suspect a family member) has begun bulling her online, this has driven her back to suicide. She hasn’t made an attempt yet, but I know she has a plan and it is only a matter of time.

I have no idea what to do now, mental health services won’t help, the crisis team are worse than useless (after one of her previous suicide attempts they told me that they wouldn’t help her as ‘based on her history, she is unlikely to actually kill herself’), there is no way I will convince her to seek support from Mind after our last attempt (arranged for her to see a councilor who was very rude and dismissive and utterly useless at building any trust).
She is in a really bad place, she doesn’t trust her family and has no friends so I am the only support she has. I am really struggling. I have my wife and our son to look after, we have an upcoming court case about something our son came out about and as a result I have no family to turn to (they have sided with the accused) and I have no friends either. I have no idea where to turn and fear I have a long bout of being up all day looking after our son and staying awake all night watching over my wife.
The only positive I have is that our son is still quite young and doesn’t realize that anything is wrong, my wife is still trying to be as normal as possible around him, so maybe she hasn’t given up all hope.

Sorry, long and rambling, I am just so lost.

Hi Adam,

welcome to the forum. I’m sorry to read of about your wife and your caring situation.

I don’t have experience of navigating the mental health system. However I do have experience of caring for someone with autism.

If your wife has autism this should influence the choice of treatment for her mental health. Brains affected by autism respond more sensitively to any mental health meds prescribed and the way autism affects a person will also contribute to their ability to engage in different therapies. If she does have autism its important that the counsellor/therapist is knowledgeable and experienced in supporting someone with autism.

The Nice guidelines on diagnosis may be of use to you Overview | Autism spectrum disorder in adults: diagnosis and management | Guidance | NICE

The National autistic society have a long list of what they don’t help with, but their website and helplines may be able to signpost you to how to arrange a diagnosis. I’m sure they would also be very interested to hear that your area is unable to diagnose adults! https://www.autism.org.uk Help and support

Report the online bullying to the police and tell them your wife is a vulnerable person.


Hi Adam. I am very sad to hear about your wife’s mental health problems.
Firstly, if you or your wife need someone to talk to phone the Samaritans on 116123. They are the best professional people to talk to in a crisis.
I understand what you’re going through - not knowing what to expect and feeling isolated.
You do need support. You cannot do all this on your own. Please try phoning the Mental health team again (hopefully you will talk to someone more helpful.)
Meanwhile make a note of your wife’s moods and write down any changes in her behaviour. This might give you some understanding of what is going on in her mind.
How old is your son?