Hi,
We’ve been married for 15 years. My wife asked for a separation (completely surprising me - I thought we had a good enough marriage) around July last year. I moved out and she then had a mental health crisis around October, resulting in her family arranging a stay for her in a private psychiatric hospital using her work BUPA to pay for it - she was in for the maximum 45 days covered. I’m not sure the hospital was that great for her to be honest.
She’s never exhibited any such mental health issues before - she’s in her mid 50’s. The initial diagnosis was severe depression with anxiety.
While this was ongoing I visited her as often as I could, and also arranged moving back into the house anticipating caring for her when she came out, and also not being able to afford to run 2 households (anticipating she would lose her job). I never once thought that I shouldn’t support her.
On discharge she came home but the NHS crisis team (who were great) recommended she went back in to an NHS facility as she was asking me to help kill herself and had ordered rope online. She later said she didn’t mean it but of course they couldn’t risk it. As a result she went into an NHS psychiatric ward but was discharged 2 weeks later (end of January), as they determined she had a psychological issue, not psychiatric. Not 100% sure what that means.
My wife often seems to be like a child. She thinks I can magically “fix” her - keeps on asking me to do this, and that no one else can, so no point to medication or talking therapy. She stopped taking the medication she’s on at the moment but has started taking again. I have managed to get her to start talking therapy too, but again seems precarious.
I really struggle setting boundaries with her. She says she gets very scared if I leave the house, so at the moment I just manage to get out a few hours a week to go to gym classes. I’ve booked a week away for myself and her family have agreed to take her for that time, but she’s extremely resistant to this. I know she gets genuinely scared, but I’m starting to feel burned out.
If she had her way we’d become hermits as she’s isolated herself from friends and family.
Have others had any experience of people they care for thinking only they can fix them ? Any advice on how to walk the line between caring / supporting and being assertive ?
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hi @jonbarber ,welcome to the fourm. it is a hard line to care for someone with mental health issues, as I am doing it with my mum and it is a hard slog. keep a diary or log of what is happening but also speak to your gp and explain that 1 you are not happy, 2 you are afraid of what might happen and you feel like you need more support. if she acts like a child treat her like one. I know it sounds daft but sometimes if you ahoq you can do it more the better. best of luck
@jonbarber My husband is 86 on Saturday. Your wife does remind me of him to a degree - as in only wanting one person in their life. Issue is that it is very hard on that ONE person . If you feel you want to go on caring - and tbh if you were seperated you do not HAVE to, then I would urge you to take care of yourself and to keep up your hobbies and interests. Isolation is a killer. Do you have a local Support for Carers? If so, then it may be worth phoning them as they can offer local support.
I think you do need to make time for YOU and get out as much as you can. It is good that her family are prepared to ‘step in’ so you can have a break but you must go ahead.
You are relatively young and care needs usually expand so if you want to go on caring you need to set boundries now. I frankly wish I had not slept walked into caring back in Jan 2013. But my husband is 86 so hopefully it wont be forever.
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@jonbarber I really do feel for you, this forum provides a lot of support as you can see you are not alone. I only just started engaging a few days ago and already feel less isolated. My husband only wants me to be here, doesn’t want me to go out so found it hard to set boundaries; you must do.
You are entitled to space free from the pressure of being ‘the one’. It is good you take time for the gym and have a break booked. Her family will also then appreciate just how much you are taking on with her care. She may try to emotionally blackmail you but be strong. My husband has had four attempts on his life (not serious more calls for attention) which have coincided with my taking time away, which obviously worked at first but now I am getting learning they are really just extreme steps to keep me home.
Also explain to those around you how you are feeling so that you have their understanding. I have found so many people just understand my need to step back from the pressure. On other post I read in walking the line is thinking ‘what would a paid carer do?’ and they would just write up notes saying, refused to eat, refused medication, etc. Take away the mental load being placed on you.
I do hope you enjoy your break.
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@jonbarber I see myself as a professional carer rather than a ‘wife’. I was becoming so very depressed with his ‘non compliance’ a good friend who was a Manager of a Dementia Ward before she retired suggested I just prompt once or twice as that is more than professional carers would do. I guess I am always terrified of being accused of neglect. However he has not had an official diagnosis of Dementia yet so is considered to have ‘mental capacity’ which gives him the right to choose NOT to have the medication. It is hard at times but the Forum has been a HUGE support. I am due to host a Book Club and Lunch today but husband has a fungal infection on his thigh. I will still go. I have had issues getting him to take a bath and he has been very arguementative saying he only had one a couple of days ago when it has been a week at times. I will be home for 2.30 so if necessary I can phone the GP then as chemist was worried that he may have a bacterial infection. So hard as I feel increasingly resentful that my life has to revolve around HIM when so many problems he has health wise he has caused.
So I would re iterate that you must NOT feel guilty for setting firm boundries and having some life of your own. Otherwise you will not be able to care for your wife long term.
Thank you all for your responses - it really helps getting some perspective
@selinakylie my wife has brought up our separation numerous times. Most recently she said if she were well we probably wouldn’t be together anymore, but we have no choice now she is ill. This is of course very hard to hear.
I’m starting to think us being together isn’t helping her get better, and part of her knows this.
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I’ve met a number of people who seem to have forgotten how to be happy. Mum included. I want my kids to remember me as a mad crazy mum who was never totally predictable!
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