Hi I’m new here and really need some help.
My daughter is 22 and suffers from anxiety and depression (currently awaiting assessment from local mental health team as to whether this is some other condition).
She lost her father just over a year ago and now the anxiety has turned to anger. I get screamed at most days and told a lot of hurtful things when she is at her worst, then will hug me another time and tell me that she does love me and I’m the only one she can talk to.
But, I’m not allowed to struggle, be upset or be stressed as it’s all about her and I am at my wits end, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
Any advice or support would be so good 
When you daughter starts having a go at you, can you say “I don’t have to listen to this” and walk away?
Does she ever apologise?
I was widowed 15 years ago, you have enough to deal with without her making life even more difficult.
Was she always volatile, or is this partly to do with her grief?
No she was not always volatile, she was, is still such a kind, caring girl. The anger is like a demon taking over and yes I could walk away but it makes her more angry and she self harms which I end up feeling responsible for as I am her mother and if I can’t help her who can 
Hi Tracy
Sorry to hear about your situation. In your post you say you are ‘not allowed to struggle, be upset’ etc. Has your daughter seen how upset you are feeling?
I guess you and her late father were not close to eachother before he died (correct me if I’m wrong) In which case your daughter feels alone in her grief, which is very hard for her to cope with.
Next time she starts having an angry outburst try reacting differently eg put your hands over your ears and let her see the effect its having on you. Show the distress and pain she is causing you (but don’t get angry with her). DO encourage her to talk about her father - he obviously played an important part in her life.
I really hope this helps.
Thank you, any advice is helpful but yes she does see me get upset and I’m left feeling guilty for that.
I was divorced from her father but we remained good friends, in fact he came to stay with us for the last 3 weeks of his life and died on her bed. I’m sure she does feel alone in her grief as talking about him is the only thing that seems to help.
I’m not sure him dying on her bed was a good idea.
Could you do a memory book of photos etc.?
My boys and I still talk about all the fun we had with my husband, usually travelling southern england with a 10 ton steam roller or traction engine!
Now the hurt is passed, we have so many happy memories of our days together.
Is your daughter the first of her friends to lose a parent?
Hi Tracy
I wanted to wish you a warm welcome to the forum and to highlight some of the options for connecting with fellow carers and for getting support from Carers UK should you need it.
Carers UK are running online weekly meet ups for carers to take some time for themselves and chat to other carers. Feel free to join if you’d like to and there’s no pressure to share anything you don’t want to. I’m sure you’ll find others in a similar position to yourself.
You can find information on how to register to our online meetups at the following pages:
Care for a Cuppa: Online meetups | Carers UK - the next online meet up is today (Tuesday 31 August), 11.00-12.00 with further sessions shown in that link. This social is a great way to have a little break if you are able to and spend some quality time talking to people who understand what you are going through right now.
Share and Learn: Share and Learn | Carers Scotland - these sessions range from creative writing activities to beginners Latin dance sessions.
There is also Carers UK’s helpline should you need advice or support - Our Telephone Helpline is available on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email (advice@carersuk.org)
Carers UK also provide information and guidance to unpaid carers. This covers a range of subjects including:
Benefits and financial support
Your rights as a carer in the workplace
Carers’ assessments and how to get support in your caring role
Services available to carers and the people you care for
How to complain effectively and challenge decisions.
Hi Tracy,
It is a sad situation but you have managed to get through the first year of her grief, so hopefully her pain will lessen.
Encourage your daughter to socialise with other family members and friends.
Have you tried distracting her when she gets angry eg putting the radio/tv on or giving her a hug?
Unfortunately, there is not much to be done in such situations. Time is the best healer
Can you talk to her when she’s not screaming at you?
Does she not think that you have an equal right to be upset about the loss of your husband?
My sons and I cried together in the first year, bvut grief hits all of us in different ways.
Is she getting on with her life, or has it stalled?
Have you joined a widows forum, either Way Up, if you are over 50 or it’s younger counterpart, which I think is called Way.
I found it very helpful, there might be someone there who has been through the same thing.
They organised socials etc., it might help you to join in with something too.
Have you tried distracting her when she gets angry eg putting the radio/tv on or giving her a hug?
Hello, Tracey. You are a kind and caring parent, and cannot bear to see your daughter upset. She throws tantrums and self harms and you feel guity.
Normally I would suggest that emotional blackmail should be rebuffed with the contempt that it deserves. However it seems to me that your daughter’s problems are something else - something more deep-seated.
I hope that the assessment from the mental health team is not too long in coming. It could provide valuable pointers.
Meanwhile, however you deal with your daughter’s outbursts, please try not to feel guilty. Your daughter’s actions are not your fault. You are the victim here. Do keep in touch with us about events as they take place.
Tracey, if it’s financially possible, think about going to talk to a private counsellor, ask your GP to recommend someone.
Doubtless the waiting list is endless on the NHS, but you need support now.
Alternatively, ask Social Services to do a Carers Assessment for you, and ask them to fund it.
They fund mine, although I haven’t seen her for a long time, for various reasons.
As a widow, I really missed having my husband to talk things through with, we used to talk over everything.
Counselling helped me offload various issues, and clear my mind on others.
A good counsellor won’t tell you what to do, but help you find the best solution for yourself.
She might also be able to shed some light on your daughter’s behaviour that would be helpful.
It’s sad to hear about father May his soul rest in peace. My advice to you is go for a walk daily give attention to her listen to her. It will take some time to get Normal. I know it’s very hard as I lost my father too back in 2014, when I listen the news of my father death. I sit down there and grab my head and felt like this world is ended for me but after 2 years I got normal but these two year I can’t express my feelings I cried in nights.
It is a normal reaction for someone struggling with both anxiety and depression.Also, I think she has a sort of PTSD from her father’s death that only complicated her situation. I’m not saying she’s acting right or that you are not allowed to feel bad too, but it’s expected from her condition. When I lost my father, my panic attacks turned to panic attacks. I’ve also developed a depressive disorder. Only therapy and anxiety techniques prevented me from getting worse. She needs time and a professional to help her heal. There’s nothing you can do but be supportive.
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