Mum of undiagnosed adult who needs support for myself

Hi, I’m a mum with an adult daughter. She is undiagnosed and has no faith in doctors, western medicine or mental health care. She has experienced mood swings, triggers and anger issues all her life. Like many parents I have experienced guilt and wondered whether it was something I did wrong (I sincerely don’t think it was). I tried to get help for her a few times as a child but never felt taken seriously (felt it was seen as discipline issues, teenage mood swings etc). Long story short, now she is an adult (30s) and things haven’t improved. She thinks we are a dysfunctional family, but we function perfectly normally when she isn’t around. In her presence (including messaging) we are all on egg shells. She can be absolutely wonderful, a real delight, kind and gentle and I sincerely love her to pieces - but it takes just one remark… It’s like she has no filter or barrier against all the little things that irritate which most people can just ignore.
All I want is for her to be happy with her life. Just happy in the “mostly content” sort of way and to feel loved. The rest I really don’t care about. However, it only takes a small comment when we least expect it for her to be triggered and results in an explosion of anger and accusations that can only be described as angry ranting that goes on and on. This leaves me stressed and worried for her wellbeing. I now mostly avoid getting involved in long conversations on trigger topics (so many!) or try to defend remarks that were made with good intentions but taken the wrong way - but occasionally get caught off guard. If it were anyone else I would say I need to avoid this negativity in my life for my own well being - but no matter her age, this is my child.
What am I looking for here? I’m not sure. Support? To know I’m not alone? Somewhere to vent when I’m being attacked and feel frustration and a whole host of other emotions?
PS. We had an episode last night and she is still venting anger and accusations today that I am not responding to.

Welcome to the forum.
Has this always been a feature of her life?
Does she live with you?

Thank you. Yes, it has always been a feature of her life since she was very small. She was my first child and I don’t have siblings, so I didn’t know any different. The “terrible twos” became “toddler tantrums” and then “hormonal teen” with no breaks in between. She had a stable family, loving parents, she was a desired baby and she has a younger sibling - we aren’t perfect but we aren’t bad by anyone’s standards. By the time I had reconciled myself with the idea she wasn’t going to grow out of it she was an adult and I could no longer intervene other than in a supportive role - which I try VERY hard to do. I try not to interfere in her life choices and I am supportive of most, but any form of disagreement with her (even mild) is met with anger and accusations.

She doesn’t live with us at present but she has never had a stable home of her own and has returned several times. She is trying again with her partner who also suffers the same treatment. I witnessed this when they both lived with us temporarily, but kept well out of it. :frowning:

Dear Mum_always
I am sorry to hear off your problems and that you are in a difficult situation. Im just wondering whether when your daughter has bad tempers that you have ever thought of helping her with cognitive behavioural therapy. There are things like helping your daughter to calm down by getting her to count from 100 backwards, to helping your daughter be distracted from her bad tempers. There is also a technique called mindfulness which helps people to relax. I think that might be able to help her? If she does not agree with doctors etc maybe the above can help her out? I hope you get advice from the forum as well as other carers.
Welcome to the Forum! You are not alone in your caring role we are sure that many on here will understand exactly how you feel and will off you the support you need. Caring can be very lonely and the pandemic has made caring responsibilities challenging as many carers have been socially restricted and unable to attend social groups etc.
Carers UK are running online weekly meet ups for carers and you can find the information on how to register at Care For A Cuppa:-Online meetups | Carers UK. Then there is another group called Share And Learn:-Share and Learn | Carers UK.
Our Telephone Number is 0808 808 7777 and we are open from Monday-to Friday, 9am-6pm and our Email Address is:-(
They provide information and guidance to unpaid carers. This covers:-
-Benefits And Financial Support
-Your Rights As A Carer In The Workplace
-Carers Assessments And How To Get Support In Your Caring Role
-Services Available To Carers And The People You Care For
-How To Complain Effectively And Challenge Decisions.
I hope this helps.
Best Wishes