I feel awful. Even my partner and my sister are telling me not to move back. I can’t with them house being the way it is. I can’t be expected to sleep in mould.
I know what I have to do I just feel so guilty. But then I know if my aunt hadn’t ab****d me that night I would not have left. She is another reason I can’t go back, she emotionally bullies me.
The trouble is if my mum is unhappy it gets projected on to me. It’s one thing to say a care package is coming but they are still expecting me to provide the care in the interim. I don’t know what to do.
The trouble is she won’t help herself. She is waiting for man to help her. Rather than sort herself out she is scrolling through dating apps to find the next one, then she worries why she gets hurt.
I have said to her a million times, if we focus on getting you sorted and into an assisted living accommodation, you may meet a nice man in there. At least then they will be like you and have disabilities , and would need help just like you. Plus you can be around for each other all the time.
You need to think about you and finding accommodation.
Be selfish to sort that out.
No distractions of guilt or frustration with the ss, focus on finding somewhere to live.
Positives
The support of your boyfriend and sister telling you not to move back in.
How is your sister helping your mother?
You have nothing to feel guilty about.
For the time being, if your mother is looking at dating sites, her mind is being occupied and distracted, let her search and give you a bit of peace and quiet.
Turn the word guilt into sad. Sad that your mum is the way she is. Sad that you have done everything in your power but mum hasn’t accepted. Sadness is easier to come to terms with than guilt, which you definitely have no reason to feel x
My sister does what she can to help her. She tries talking to her but she too has the same problems. My sister is also partially sighted, and her eyesight is continuing to get worse so she cannot do certain things for her.
I have to deal with all my sisters admin stuff like letters and application forms. It’s easier to do when the person actually listens.
This is the thing. I know it’s not me being selfish. I can help my sister and not feel frustrated because I know she is great full for the help.
It was the same when dad was suffering from the side effects of cancer. He couldn’t speak, nor eat. He was attached to a peg. Only I could program the machine that fed him everyday, my sister was young at this time. Mum we’ll she would have no chance. Dad couldn’t do it himself. I worked a different job back then that required me to do nights. However, even back then dealing with my dads stage 4 cancer was easier than dealing with my mums mental health now.
I have found a place to live not far from my sisters. After speaking to the letting agent they said they would consider reducing the contract period for my situation. Then it would be a rolling contract. So at least I have a place to go now.
The trouble is still mum. I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to tell her where I live because the amount of times she’s gone to my sisters throwing stones at the windows and shouting because she wants attention.
She usually does this when no one wants to talk to her, expecially all her dating app men friends.
You don’t have to tell your mum where you live! We all have choices in life.
Well done for finding somewhere to live. A nice haven for you to have some much deserved peace. I’m so pleased for you and I know others will be too
That’s fantastic news Coolcar. Well done. Another hurdle surmounted. I agree with Pet, you don’t have to tell her where you live. Have an answer ready though in case she asks - eg you could not say anything and she’ll probably assume you are staying at your boyfriend’s Mums.
I’m dismayed that your mum was discharged from hospital without them arranging emergency Reablement Carer for 6 weeks to help her. In similar circumstances, I had to make a formal complaint to the CEO of the hospital where mum had a carpal tunnel operation for their idea that they could discharge her with her arm in a sling without anyone considering whether or not she could use her Zimmer frame with one arm. Social Services and the hospital have clearly failed mum here.
Who is the landlord, private, council, or housing association?
I’m just at a loss for what to do really. Mum is getting more and more innapropriate with her behaviour now. I am sick of it, it is making me so sick. She just wants constant attention then acts like a baby if she does not get it
Mum has a private landlord. The trouble is she is blaming him for not doing the repairs, but she won’t tell him about them. We have been in the house over 10 years and never had a problem with the landlord not doing any repairs they have done everything within 24 hours. The trouble is she does not know how to use the system to report a repair. Yet she blames them for not being telepathic.
I have warned about the “elderly toddler” behaviour previously.
This is absolutely to be expected because she expects everyone to run round her. If you go back, it will be another round of destructive behaviour, going backwards, not forwards. Stand firm.
Yeah. I’m going to call the social worker on Monday first thing. They are trying to encourage mum into another assisted living accommodation in another part of the city. Everyone disagrees with that choice as she would not thrive there, plus it’s too much for her as she doesn’t know the area. She was crying her eyes out at the thought of going there so it’s not going to happen that I agree with.
I don’t really want to abandon her afterall she is my mum. However, gone are the days (only last year) when we can go to the cinema together every weekend.
I will help her as I’d help anyone with things, but I can’t be there for her and replace my dad full stop.
I also just think my mum would benefit from some sort of companionship. I get it, I really do she has disabilities, she’s lonely. She’s also clearly not over the death of my dad. However dating apps filled with abusive men are not the answer, and they are just making her worse.
Above all she needs her sense of worth back and she needs help for that. A better environment would really help her.
I just want my mum to be my mum again. I want her to be happy. I know she has traumas, but I know her to be the laughing type too. I just want all that back
I respect what you said that the general opinion is against uprooting your mum to the other side of the city but If she isn’t familiar with the area it could be worth trying taking her there.
What about someone taking your mother to that new area to show her around for familiarisation, to show and tell her the good things there.
See if she can get interested and engaged in the area and meet a few people in the accommodation.
Yes moving there will be a challenge but so will moving anywhere with the unfamiliar, it is an upheaval.
But if she knows the area and doesn’t like it/is scared of it then there is no point in doing that.
I don’t think it would be the appropriate action to ignore toddler behaviours as much as possible.
Your mother has complexities in the toddler behaviour with her mental health issues.
Completely ignoring her might not register with her as it would with a person with more regular behaviour patterns.
Hopefully when your mum has been sorted with her care and accommodation she will settle and be your mum again, hold onto that possibility.