Yes, they aren’t quick enough. It turns out that her social worker didn’t contact me in the end so I have to wait till Monday. I find the out-of-hours team useless really. They don’t ever do anything over than say ring on Monday
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I just can’t do this anymore. Tonight I just broke down crying, my partner had been trying to console me but it hasn’t worked. I feel awful, but I do most days. I just don’t know what the right thing to do is. I want my mum to get help; I am trying so hard. I want her to be safe in a proper accommodation, but the waiting lists are going to harm us
Phone the out of hours number.
If you don’t you won’t have proof on Monday that things were so bad.
If nothing else you have asked them for help, today, Saturday and Sunday call them.
You never know your luck but don’t hold your breath.
Your mum will be upset, she will be asking for you and hard as it is you need to stand firm and if you can, don’t answer your phone so often or don’t read messages for a while, not sure if it will have any effect that you are not on call to her, but it is worth a try to see how it goes, obviously you know her best and whether to try or how to gauge it. It is your choice whether to try or not, if you don’t think it is a good idea don’t do it. I’m thinking of your wellbeing.
You were inconsolable because the upset is so deep, you have been so long with this and it is your mum. Let your boyfriend know that you appreciate him trying to console you but the hurt and upset is so very deep it’s hard to be comforted but you appreciate it and to keep trying because it does help even if doesn’t look like it.
Honestly when so deeply upset with something that has been so long, and the official help seems so unobtainable/far off, a person will be inconsolable and impenetrable, however the fact that someone is trying to console and making an effort for you, even if it doesn’t feel to making a difference, could be subconsciously helping you. You are not alone, he cares about you, even with his own issues, he is caring and you are here, don’t isolate yourself, keep safe.
Note the times you phone and who you called on the out. of hours team.
Don’t be alone, post in this thread for members to support you.
Thanks. I think the trouble is I know my mum can’t cope on her own. She is struggling because she doesn’t have the capacity to do half of the things she needs to. But I know I can’t make life any easier for her.
I just know she needs the correct support network, she need friends who can support her. I’m only 25, and could have autism. I can’t meet her needs. She will say she wants help till she is blue in the face, but it’s not coming.
If they helped us with the home and got her carers and a pa, I would consider moving back until she got accommodation. I just want her to be my mum though.
You might have to find a PA on your own. I know plenty of people who advertise in posh magazines like the Lady. Alternatively try a local care agency but tread carefully. On Wednesday I heard someone discuss supported living and even mentioned the name of a agency who could help.
The social worker has said she will get my mum a PA and some other help though it hasn’t come yet. I was hoping to contact her today but every time I rung them she was out.
I just don’t know what the right thing to do is. I don’t know if I should just return home. The trouble is as it is the house is just a massive health risk.
Tonight I am just throwing up a lot, I’m having panic attacks. My boyfriend just came to me and said he was really concerned about me.
I just need help.
No you can’t move back, read Melly’s post again about that.
Breathe.
Let your boyfriend try to help you calm down.
Ask him for a hug - that is letting him in and it could also be letting you let him in.
Give it a try, I could be talking hogwash or it could help a little.
If not you it could help him to feel he is trying to help you.
Concentrate on breathing, in for a few seconds then out for a few seconds.
if you can increase to count of five.
Even if you only manage a couple of breaths give it a go
then try again snd try to increase to a few breaths getting up to ten breaths if you can
Don’t give up on it, believe in yourself and that you can get there with it and manage it.
It could help to ground you and to bring your breathing to normal level.
Don’t give up on it, it will take effort to do it.
ask your boyfriend to help you.
Do try to do this to ground yourself because the panic attacks could be running in a catch 22 circles
Scroll back up to Melly’s link to MIND to search about panic attacks.
This is about you giving help to you and getting in control of the panic attacks.
I would not advise finding a PA on your own
This is the job of the social workers to do
they are the responsible agents for your mothers care
It is down to them to provide the PA and the money for it.
If you were to find a PA for your mum who would pay and would the social services continue their support - they would probably withdraw it thinking that you are self sufficient.
Even then Coolcar98 you should not move back with her as they will leave you to do it all.
Look at this way, if you were there your mother would not be getting any help and she needs help.
By not being there they are getting the help that she needs, not as fast as needed but the wheels are in motion. This is the only way to do it, hard as it is and emotionally upsetting as it is, this is unfortunately the way it needs to be.
I understand. I didn’t really have any plans of doing it myself anyway. I can see how it can help some people, but this is not it. I would be too scared to manage someone else’s employment. Based on my health though I’m not sure I could be able to do that as well as I should.
I don’t want to go back. I just can’t cope with feeling like it is all my fault. I have written a small letter to the SW tonight telling her about my panic attacks and my mums needs. Mum needs more than I can give. I’m around as her daughter so she has family, but that is all I can do.
I am too sick to be a carer, if they supported us both I would be better for it. The SW also knows a there’s a high chance I could be autistic which makes it harder. I am literally having meltdowns and I can’t cope with them.
I’m also just terrified of my mum loosing her home because she can’t upkeep it. The way housing is in the city at the moment, they will chuck her in a hotel. I feel like social services need to be doing more. The house is okay structurely. It just needs a major tidy up which she can’t do herself
Coolcar,
I agree with the advice from Charles and Breezey.
You are not responsible for finding your Mum a PA or plugging the gaps until the care starts.
I expect you have supported your Mum since you were a child in one way another. If you go back now, your Mum will reject the care she has accepted and you will both be back at the beginning.
You are spiralling … one negative thought is leading to another. You are focusing on all the negative things that could happen.
You need to try and switch off from all this now, I know this is easy to say and not easy to do.
You can counteract this by asking reversing the questions and asking them in a positive way. What if the social worker gets the support in place next week? What if the PA gets your Mum to her appointments and she gets the help she needs? What if the social worker organises the sorting of the house? What if your Mum responds well to the care workers? What if a place becomes available in supported living soon. What if, with your Mum receiving care and support from others you can focus on being a daughter again and not a stressed, burnt out carer?
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Cool car
I agree with all that has been said this evening
There is nothing you can do for the next few hours, probably the weekend so please concentrate on yourself. Think of something you would really love to do, and imagine it’s happening. Anything. I once thought about walking along a beach when my mind was racing with negatives. Found it helped and soothing
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Tonight has just been the worst, I have tried to sleep but every 20 mins or so I am waking up to be sick. It’s making me feel incredibly weak. I nearly passed out at one point.
I am upset I told the social worker I don’t like to be left hanging and she hasn’t answered my calls since Wednesday. Mum does need interim care but it’s just not coming. This is why I think these services need to be open on a weekend, or have a pool of sws helping.
I’m now going to be like this till Monday if not worse, and boy she is getting the brunt of it first thing.
I just have a feeling is all too much of a box tikking thing with them and trauma doesn’t seem good enough.
Both me and mum are facing deep traumas and.i am so so scared
I hope you have managed some sleep and are feeling better for it.
I am on the spectrum, that’s why I was advising you to try the breathing to ground you.
This is for yourself, to help calm you and to prevent being sick.
It isn’t easy to do at first but if you try and you get your boyfriend to help you then you will be able to get there with it.
Start by breathing in for count of 3 and breathe out again the same counts it does help.
Aim to get to a count of 5 when you are able to. You need to stand firm against your mind and body to do it, you are taking control of your body and breathing, you might have some weird feelings, try to ignore them and focus on the breathing.
Aim to start at one breath then up to three and get it up to ten - this is gradually, it is hard work to do it but it will help if your boyfriend is helping you.
I have no training etc to advise you on the breathing, it is something I picked up and used after a sudden death in the family. You could look it up on the internet, but beware of charlatans with extreme breathing exercises, try MIND if they have anything on it or NHS website if they have anything or any reliable links.
Even if it doesn’t feel like your boyfriend is helping, it maybe is subconsciously.
You do not have to be like this all weekend, you can try to switch off - ha yeah right! But you can try some calming methods and to focus your mind elsewhere.
Stop overthinking and no more worst case scenario thinking, that is not going to achieve anything other than upsetting you and making you ill. That is easy for me to say from my keyboard and difficult for you to do but please try.
Try the breathing and try looking for places to live over the weekend.
Keep posting/venting in here, you are not alone.
Don’t keep speaking to mum!! Turn your phone off and leave it off. You are in no fit state to help her at the moment. You need to start putting yourself first, I’d suggest going out for a walk when it stops raining.
I’m scared I really am. I’m scared mums going to be homeless if I don’t return. Then I don’t know what will happen. There are no houses in the area, they chuck homeless people into hotels because stock is that low. Then what will happen to our stuff. I’m so angry at Social services, they know I am struggling, but I never got the call back yesterday to say what will happen. This is why I’m having panic attacks.
I feel like my days are numbered to make a decision. I have to be out of my current residence by the 31. I think it’s disgusting that my boyfriends mum is doing this when I am so desperate. But this is what I face.
Maybe if they got mum carers next week, and helped her with the house I will reconsider. Mum doesn’t know how to manage her tenancy at the moment, and can’t clean so it’s got bad. The landlord is pretty annoyed and I’m scared about that. Even environmental health got involved Social services said that they will speak to them, but they haven’t yet
Phone SS out of hours team, then it is logged you called them.
Is your mum in danger? will anything harm her?
She is indoors, dry and warm.
Take care of yourself, look for a bedsit or house share or whatever, get your accommodation sorted.
let the Soc Services sort your mum out, things are taking time, they are doing what they can.
The trouble is I call them when she is in danger, and they do nothing m. She fractured her arm the other week and now she can’t even dress herself or cook for herself. They did not care
Coolcar,
I agree with Breezey, she has a roof over her head and you know where she is.
If she stays in her nightie all weekend it really won’t hurt, that’s what people do in hospital.
Her landlord isn’t going to kick her out over the weekend!
If you are worried about her being hungry get her a JustEat or similar delivery or Tesco Whoosh delivery of ready meals.
I know you have said in the past you are scared of living alone - this is what you need to address now - start looking for a house share/ lodgings or a bed sit this weekend.
You will feel better being proactive.
Or are you subconsciously intending to move back in with your Mum and are looking for reasons to justify doing this?
This would be detrimental for your own mental health.