Grateful to have been aware of this forum, intermittently accessed since my 81yr old mother’s vascular dementia diagnosis in January 2019, (vascular dementia), I’ve now ‘signed up/in’ in need of your support, please.
Yesterday, my mother told me she wants me to leave the house, having given me a well-scripted ‘to whom it may concern’ letter, having written out a copy for herself. Reflecting back today, after yesterday’s shock, I think she became disgruntled after I suggested she chose her Christmas cake recipe so we could identify all the ingredients needed (she’d been asking me to go an buy one ingredient for 4 days on the trot!) but mum, in a crotchety tone replied ‘I haven’t decide which recipe I’m using’. The letter then followed.
A bit of background: With my F/T job not going well, coupled with mother’s poor health (2 hospitalisations c/o unexplained faints), I gave up my job/career, moving in to my mother’s (own) house, at her suggestion. From January to April, she was ok, needing help with shopping, cleaning but managing her self-care. Mum’s health suddenly deteriorated May onwards; social services/occ therapy input became necessary as she was confused, faecally incontinent, immobile - bedbaths, commoding, pressure-area care, feeding etc became the daily routine and mum’s GP indicated that getting carers in would ‘soon be on the cards’. Miraculously, in July, mum started walking again, still needing assistance with bathing, housework, prompting to take medication and I cook/shop for her. At 58, I have to say, it’s been a really difficult, depressing year, what with being jobless and living with mum’s ups/downs. Now, with mother’s notice for me to vacate and nowhere to go (few friends/none locally), the imminent future with the addition of potential homelessness, is pretty daunting.
Not sure what advice I’m seeking really! I’m giving mum (and me) a bit of 'breathing space today by keeping out of her way (confined to my room!), but guess I need to talk to her tomorrow to determine if she meant what she said/wrote and/or remembers what she said/wrote? Her short-term memory is poor, but she still has mental capacity, at times, to make sensible comments/decisions. If I have to leave on her terms, fully aware of safe-guarding/responsibilities etc, who do I tell that an elderly, potentially vulnerable mum with vascular dementia, is now living alone? She has a son - who’s hopeless, rarely visits, doesn’t return calls from mum (or me, asking for his input/help/listening ear just from time to time!) Do Social Services have to be informed? Sorry - it’s a rather long ramble - very grateful for any advice/suggestions, thank-you.
Do inform the council etc. Does she use carers or not? You might also want to obtain professional legal advice.
Hello
The chances are that Mum will have forgotten her letter and that she has asked you to leave. I hope that’s the case.
The fact that she has done so when obviously she cannot manage on her own, is most likely a symptom of the dementia rather than her normal self.
I wouldn’t pack a case and rush out and I think giving her some space today was a good decision.
I also wonder whether it is really a good idea to broach the subject without testing the waters first. Why remind her if it has gone out of her head?
Has Mum had a needs assessment?
It might be a good idea to contact the Alzheimer’s association as they deal with all kinds of dementia and ask them how they advise you to proceed. They will have heard of this scenario before no doubt.
This may be a symptom that Mum’s mental health is deteriorating.
Others here will have a much better understanding of what you are facing than I do and more suggestions for you, especially as to what help you can access.
I hope she is calmer and pleased to see you in the morning.
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You might also want to obtain professional legal advice.
SHELTER … the experts in housing :
I’d just like to give you a big (((HUG))) because this is a big slap in the face for you, when you have given up everything.
Do you have Power of Attorney set up?
Hello, Mo. I agree with Elaine; probably no need to pack your bags just yet. Do contact Social Services about a needs assessment, and set up Power of Attorney.
You are the best judge about how much of your time you want to and can care for your mother, but don’t feel that you are obliged to give up your whole life. Dementia patients need a lot of care and following a needs assessment a decision will need to be made whether you need to be assisted, either with care workers calling or putting Mum in a care home.
Would you like to go back to work if you could (not necessarily the same type of job as you were doing before) or do you feel ready to “retire” now?
Though you probably do not need to leave Mum’s house just yet, it would be wise to review your options. Where were you living before you moved in with Mum. Was it a rented property or was it your house, which you have since sold? These earlier circumstances could affect you position to move elsewhere if that did become necessary.
Hello
I too have had the same thought re your mother forgetting she has given you notice. Awful as it is I hope so.
My husband had vascular dementia, and he would forget that he had been cross after a while. Its my experience from the nursing home he was in, that others did too. Part of the illness sadly. Although at times it could be a bonus!
Its horrible and my heart goes out to you
First get a needs assessment. This is important. Don’t panic or prepare for the worst case situation yet. She might have not remembered what occurred yesterday. Does she own the property or not? This is important because if she goes into a care home, you will probably have to sell it to pay the fees of the care home.
Also be aware that if you are living with mum when you turn 60, then the value of the house must be disregarded if it is your main home. You are so near now.
Dementia destroys the memory, from forgetting they wrote a letter to
not knowing who or what you are.
How are things today?