To ill to care

First of all id like to say hello also it is my wife that is my carer for me but I’m so worried about her.

My name is Daniel im after a bit of advice. I suffer from a heart condition and after several stents a failed by-pass now looking at the posibility of a pacemaker as im in heart failure my wife has been my rock my support my all. I receive benefits to help ESA the supporters group if that helps also PIP and my wife has been receiving carers allowance. Over the last six month her health has took a turn for the worse she also now has a heart condition herself and is running herself into the ground. I try to help and do as much as I can but Im useless there are days im bedbound and she has lost so much weight barley eats and she looks so tired. She refuses to tell DWP of her condition in fear of losing the carers allowance she receives as im sure your all aware of the rising cost of living as its rising so much is there any advice anyone can give to help as she is so worried as its a massive chunk of money to lose but i tell id rather struggle and lose that than lose her.

Thanks for any advice and sorry for the moan.

Hi Daniel, welcome to the forum.
Is your wife now claiming PIP?
I suggest that you contact our CUK helpline to discuss your financial situation.

It’s time you contacted Social Services and both had a Needs Assessment, and accepted that you need some outside help.
Someone to do the basic cleaning, especially the bathroom and vaccuming, changing the beds, that sort of thing.
Accept that you need a tumble dryer, if you don’t have one already, and a dishwasher.
Then work together and work out a new plan.
What you can give up altogether, ironing?
What someone else can do? Gardening. Shopping online.
If you have any borders in your garden, have them flattened.

Accepting there are things you cannot do or look after properly is very difficult, but after a while you will accept it (I was disabled in a car accident).

Then having accepted the “I can’t do it any more” things, draw up another list of things you CAN still do together.

HI Bowlingbun

Thanks for the reply

No my wife does not get pip as she refuses to go through the fear and stress of losing what we have now if that makes sense,
as a bit of background info we are 50 years old I was very fit ex Army for 18years then a swimming and fitness instructor until i had my first HA. After being told that this was hereditary we got help from the hospital who put us in contact with PIP etc but this took nearly 18 months to sort out and was made to feel like we were begging or lying even though i suffered a further 4 HA and had a by-pass in that period hence my wife’s apprehension as she worries now that this will cause more stress on me in her mind if she ask DWP for advice and they then take her CA away this will add even more stress if that makes sense. we nearly lost everything we ever worked for due to my health now she fears the same due to hers.

You need to speak to the helpline.

Hi Daniel

Firstly I wanted to welcome you to our forum and just reiterate what other members have said, please contact our helpline, they’ll be able to give you all the right pointers and advise you. The can be contacted on 0808 808 7777 from Monday to Friday, 9am – 6pm or you can contact us by email (

with best wishes

Firstly thank you for your service to our country.
Sorry to hear you are in such a situation.

Are you in contact with the Royal British Legion?
Do you have contact with an ex services Welfare Officer?
Give them call and fid out if you qualify for any help regarding your health situations and finances.
I hope they and/or other ex services charities can help you.

It might be worth contacting SSAFA - the UK Armed Forces Charity. They can be reached for help and information on 0800 260 6767. Or you can take a look at the website:

spook! I just came back in to mention SSAFA

Please don’t hesitate to contact them and I hope they can help you.