This may seem selfish but I don't want to care for my dad

My dad had a major stroke 5 months ago and spent 3 months in hospital. He has no other immediate family, only me. My dad has always been selfish and lazy but when I got to around 18 he started being really nasty to me. I always had a great relationship with my mum but it got to the point where my dad forced me to leave home because he was making my life hell. I kept visiting (to see my mum not him). It got to the point where even my mum didn’t want to live with him anymore. Then she got cancer and died 6 years ago and after that my relationship with my dad really fell apart. My dad hardly saw me, he would call once a week but it was clear that he didn’t really want to speak to me, he just did it to say he had called. He made other plans for Christmas didnt bother with birthdays etc. Things came to a head 12 months before dads stroke when I said I didnt want to see him again. Then out of the blue I get a call saying he is in hospital and it’s just assumed that I will look after everything. I got him sorted out with sheltered housing organised for carers, decorated, moved all his stuff in and now take him shopping and run his errands but he still treats me like something he stepped in. I really don’t want to be around him, he makes me angry all the time. Not sure what I’m asking to be honest…

You’re asking for permission to not give a sh** - granted from me anyway.

No-one can be made to care for anyone else, no matter what their relationship to each other.

Your Mum must presumably have loved him at one time, but eventually wised up, now it’s your turn.

Hospitals and Social Workers etc. will badger you to take on the responsibility, just tell them, NO, if that’s how you feel.

I would have told the hospital I wasn’t doing anything whatsoever, and let them sort things out. You need to give dad notice that from March 1st you will no longer do anything for him. It’s up to Social Services then.

He has been a dreadful father, you do NOT have to do anything for him. No one can be forced to do any caring for anyone.
Dump any feelings of guilt, because HE is the one who should have loved you, cherished you, nurtured you. In stead he made your life hell.

Hello Joanne
You have done more than your fair share by arranging accommodation, and carers for a man you do not like! You are not obliged to love/ like your dad just because he is your dad. If you feel better, tell the social workers you are no longer going to do things for him. You can’t, it’s going to make you ill. Be proud that you stepped in, but now is the time to step away. He has carers.
Yes, I am with Ajay, and no doubt at all others, if you want permission, you have it!!

Hello and welcome!

I also care for a family member. No one can force you to care. Can you afford a care home or not? This is a online directory of all care homes in Britain- Have a look. There is a ton of useful information on there including reviews and feedback too. It is time to step back and ask the carers to help you. Another good place to find information is on the website of the care quality commission. You can read inspection reports.

You are asking for a get out of jail card. You have one it’s you. You can walk away at anytime. Dad has a home and carers. He can have anything extra added to his care plan. Move things over until you actually don’t do it. Get it down to phone calls. And then you can answer as you wish.