Caring for my selfish father

I really hate to say that I absolutely hate looking after my selfish father so much! I looked after my mother for over 10 years while trying to work full time and look after my son too, she died 11 years ago, then my selfish father decided to give up on himself, he’s had strokes, heart attacks, then just sat on his bed and stopped looking after himself! He sat on his bed, peed himself and had to be carried out of the house by the wonderful ambulance service, he’s just given up! I feel he’s just so selfish the way he is! I’ve had stage 4 cervical cancer in the meantime with absolutely no support from him! But he still expects me to look after him! I’ve got a sister who is not interested in him, so I feel absolutely overloaded with having to look after him, which is making me feel like I really hate him! He really is so selfish and has told carers coming in to help him and me he doesn’t need them! Plus he’s urine incontinent and has a leg bag, he hasn’t even had a shower since my mum died!! So he smells too! I’ve just totally had enough, but nobody cares what I want or think, plus I’ve got AF too, like him, and osteoarthritis in my knee, I’m just so sick and tired of being used and abused, but nobody cares about me!

Do you live with him?
How old are you both?
Does he own his home or rent it?

Unless he has a mental health problem, I’d just leave him to it, tell him you’re not doing it any more.

He’s given up, so can you.

Hello Linda and welcome to the forum

Sorry to hear about the difficulties with your Dad, it sounds emotionally draining for you. This is a good place to come and get support, I imagine a lot of people on here understand just how you’re feeling.

Have a look through our advice pages and check you’re both getting all the help and support you can:

If you ever feel like talking to other carers in a group we run weekly online meet ups which you’re welcome to join. They’re very informal and there’s no pressure to say more than you’re comfortable with. Join in details are here:

Best wishes


Hi Linda,

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I know from experience how draining emotionally and physically to deal with a selfish parent.

My Mum has always been demanding and verbally abusive, more so when caring for my Dad who sadly passed away in July.

This situation cannot continue for your own well being and that of your family. Your Dad has Carers. It is their responsibility not yours to provide the care for your Dad.

You need to tell your Dad that you need to put your own health needs first and you will therefore be reducing your visits to him. Stick to your guns and start the distancing immediately. Believe me you will feel so much better for it.

You cannot help someone who is not prepared to help themselves regardless of them being a parent. You too are a parent and your child needs you.

I got to a stage were I felt I was having a mental breakdown with the strain of dealing with my Mum’s abuse, complaints from the carers about her behaviour and having to deal with social services and the CCG. The constant phonecalls became intolerable.

Bowlingbun offered some great advice and that was to leave them all to it and take no more phonecalls for all the services. I contacted them all including the carers and told them.i was stepping away for my own sanity and to not contact me anymore and to contact my Mum direct as it was her who was causing issues. It was hard, but without a doubt necessary.

Please take care of yourself.