My dad had a major stroke last year and spent three months in hospital, he came out in January and has had carers three times a day since then. He has lost the use of one hand and struggles to walk as one of his legs has been effected by the stroke. Last week dad commented saying he thought the carers were pointless and were costing too much money (he has plenty of money to pay for them). I asked how he thought he could manage without them and he said he would get by. I told him I wont be doing more for him, in all honesty I can’t cope with what he currently expects of me. Today I find out he has cancelled the carers as of tomorrow. What can I do when he is apparently of sound mind to make his own decisions.
He has to take the consequences of this decision. Do NOT step in to care for him. Stand firm.
Your Dad should have had free Reablement Care for up to six weeks after leaving hospital, but it’s too late for that now.
However, back to today, I have to agree with bb, he’s made his decision, he’ll have to get on with it as best he can. If and when he finds he can’t, it’s not your duty to step in in the long term.
No-one is under any obligation to care for anyone else no matter what their relationship.
He has to find out for himself that he can’t do what he used to.
I suspect he’s been pretending to himself that he isn’t dependent on others. No carers for a while will be the reality check he needs. I know (from my own personal experience after I was disabled in a car accident) how difficult it is to accept this.
When inevitably he rings you up, you are going to have to be firm, and remind him that you too are a pensioner!
That looking after one home, your own, is all you can do now.
When looking at people’s mental capacity, there is a phrase, that people of sound mind can be allowed to make irrational decisions. I suspect your dad was just being a “skinflint” and trying to save money when he didn’t need to consider the cost.
His money can make him really comfortable, if he chooses to not have carers and be uncomfortable, he can’t expect others to bale him out!
I am surprised at ‘No one is under any obligation to care no matter who’…
My husband confined to wheelchair after stroke so he has no mobility at all.
Even with carers I still have to look after him between! Toilet, drink, pass glasses,
Etc carers unfortunately come at wrong times! (not the fault of carers as obviously fixed times!)
as we live under same roof cannot exactly ignore him! No night time calls our Council
Wouldn’t allow family member living a few miles away to call.
Moonlight, a Needs Assessment is supposed to look at someone’s own needs, on their own.
It is NOT supposed to take into consideration whether or not someone else is able or willing to care.
Social Services don’t tell you this of course.
Thanks everyone, my dad will just have to manage on his own. He said some awful things to me yesterday and accused me of “trying to take everything from him to leave him penniless”. For the record I have no access to any of his money. Everything I have done has been for his benefit and not mine. He is on his own now, time for him to get a reality check as I wont be doing anything else for him.
Agreed, it’s so sad but it’s the only way you can have some life of your own.
In future, be sure to take your phone if you see him, and use it to record what he is saying to you.
Is there a possibility that he’s mentally frail now, or has he always been nasty?
I’m a little surprised that you haven’t seen that mentioned before.
My wife is also confined to a wheelchair. Progressive MS means she is unable to weight-bear and is therefore very dependant on others for all of her needs. A carer four mornings per week washes and dresses her ( I do the other three) and then with my help we put her on to her commode and then the carer leaves. I clear away the poo. I shove her prolapsed rectum back in most mornings, (recent records show over 50 occurrences of that since November), I empty her catheter bag, I prepare all her meals, do all of shopping and our laundry and anything else that can’t wait.
I choose to do all of this - if I ever say I’ve had enough then no-one can make me to do it. They would make my wife pay for any further care, but they couldn’t make me do it.
He has always been nasty, it became more obvious when my mum died 6 years ago, I think she kind of diluted it, if that makes sense. After that my dad was really nasty, so much so I stopped having contact with him. That was until he had his stroke in October, after that he became far worse. He is nice to everyone except me, I’m not sure what I have done, if anything, to deserve this kind of treatment. I know it sounds selfish but I need to think about myself now, he is making me ill and nothing I say will make him see this.