I am experiencing carers guilt. I stay at my partners twice a week to have a break but a family friend is making me feel guilty for leaving my mum(who I care for). I feel like I no longer have a right to my own life, like I am no longer ‘Abby’ but just the ‘carer’. Can I have some advice for not feeling like this?
2 Likes
HI @abbylouise29 ,welcome to the forum. We are go though it, so you not alone. The best thing is carry on having the break and ignore this family friend, if they keep it up ask them to take over your job. I would suggest seeing your GP and see if they can send you for some counciling . You do have a right to a life despite what others think. I and many others on here have been there. If it does get to much for you, have a look and see if someone else can take over for a while, to prove that carers are humans and not slaves. best of luck.
2 Likes
@abbylouise29 Welcome to the forum
Most of the people on the forum have experienced the guilt monster. You definitely have nothing to feel guilty about! Your partner is important too and you deserve a life. So kick the guilt monster away and explain to your friend that she is not being helpful by very judgemental and unkind. If this person is a true friend it should stop.
Others will be along with advice I’m certain.
2 Likes
Welcome to the forum @abbylouise29 It’s incredibly hard not to feel guilty, because you want the best for your Mum but also want (and deserve) a life with your partner. It is also very hard living between two houses. I did this for 2.5 years whilst also working and dealing with my own health challenges. It is not sustainable, so please consider if you haven’t already, getting some help in. If you can give a bit more detail, others who have an excellent knowledge of ‘the system’ will be along I’m sure, to offer more practical advice.
You do deserve a life of your own and tell anybody who says otherwise, that they are very welcome to take over.
1 Like
@abbylouise29 Just to add my welcome and to say…yep. We all feel guilt we’ve no need to feel at all. You have a right to a life of your choosing, and no one has the right to judge you for having time out from caring. If they feel so strongly that your mum should not be left alone, they can always offer to cover for you. Of course, if you suggest that, you won’t see them for the dust as they run off.
You do what is right for you. Guilt will always raise it’s head, but there’s no real reason to feel guilty. There is a real reason to feel pride in doing something for your mum that no one else is doing.
1 Like
@abbylouise29 welcome to the forum, and DO NOT feel guilty. You need a break to keep your mental health. As @Michael_1910123 has said if your ‘family friend’ says anything then suggest that they help to give you a break. I think many of us have had the guilt when you take time for yourself but you will see from this forum it is essential.
Keep strong, you are doing a great job, look to an organisation called Carefree who offer nights away in hotels for a nominal fee for carers, you do not need to get CA to be eligible.
Sending hugs
See the situation differently. Here’s a brief summary of what counselling taught me. I was on the verge of a breakdown, newly widowed, left with 30 tons of lorry spares to sell, newly disabled, nearly killed in a car accident, son with learning difficulties and housebound mum saving jobs for me as I did them better than her carers!
What would happen to mum if she didn’t have a daughter at all?
If you lived too far away to help?
If she has high care needs mum would either have to accept carers at home or be in a care home.
You are sacrificing your own life so hers is better than it would be otherwise, so you have NOTHING to feel guilty of. In fact you should feel proud.
However you are daughter not slave! Mum can’t have everything her own way!
When I was disabled, I had to make very difficult choices for my own life.
I looked at all the work I was struggling with.
Some jobs can be done away with altogether, like ironing. I changed to clothes that were easy care, like polo shirts.
Gardening was impossible as I was badly injured, unable to kneel. I gradually did away with all my borders which we had lovingly created 30 years ago. I put all my plants on Freecycle telling people to bring a spade and dig them up themselves. We even removed the lovely fruit trees. Now it’s just flat lawn which my son cuts for me.
I shopped online, mum demanded Nimble bread but didn’t always get it!
Basic housework, vacuuming up, keeping bathroom and kitchen clean? Anyone can do these jobs, so delegate!
I always use a tumble dryer and my dishwasher, my “mechanical slaves”. My dryer is in my conservatory, but the modern condenser dryers can go in a spare bedroom or the garage.
Make sure mum is getting all the benefits she is entitled to, to fund these things.
Gradually think of yourself as becoming a “care manager/supervisor” with someone else sharing the caring. What would happen if you were ill? A second person who knows mum’s routine gives you time off.
Has mum had a recent Care Assessment from Social Services, and you, a Carers Assessment?
Hi Abby,
I just wanted to add my voice and say you are absolutely not alone in feeling this way. Carer’s guilt seems to come hand-in-hand with caring, even though it really isn’t deserved.
Something that helped me reframe things (and which I see echoed a lot here) is this: without you, your mum’s situation wouldn’t be better — it would likely be far more difficult. You’re not taking something away from her by having time to yourself; you’re protecting your own health so you can keep going.
I’ve also found it helpful to look at ways of easing the mental load, not just the physical tasks — whether that’s extra check-ins, reassurance, or tools that help you feel your mum is safe and supported even when you’re not there. Sometimes just knowing someone or something else is “keeping an eye” can make it a little easier to step away without guilt.
Please be kind to yourself. Taking breaks, asking for help, or putting small systems in place isn’t failing.
Sending you strength and understanding.
2 Likes
@Matricks09 I agree. It’s not nice having carers guilt, I’m plagued with guilt because I’m not been able to care for my mum who is currently in a care home in Salford (I live in Wythenshawe, Manchester) due to a very bad stroke.
@abbylouise29 (Nice name), don’t feel guilty. I’ve been a carer until recently for 30+yrs (since I was 11yrs), it’s a difficult job. There is nothing wrong on seeking solace now and then, especially with your partner. It sounds to me that it’s your family friend who is the problem, just wants to cause trouble. Try looking at what you have done, I reckon you’ve done more than the other people in you life. I, at the moment, am doing Talking Therapies. See if your GP can sort you out a mental health councilor. Also, ask you relatives to chip in and help, that way you can have a break now and then. Hope this helps.