Why do I feel so quilty!

Hi, I am 64 years old and have become my mother‘s full-time carer in the last six months. After reading some posts I feel ashamed at how I feel because I guess I have it relatively easy compared to some of you but I need to vent and I hate to “moan” to my kids about how I feel? It feels like my life revolves around caring for my Mum and I am becoming resentful and I feel so guilty for feeling this way. I’m on my own as I lost my husband 7years ago so my brother expects me to do everything!

Welcome to the forum. Stop being so hard on yourself, and start sticking up for yourself!

You CANNOT be forced to do ANYTHING for mum!

If you could tell us a bit more about mum, we might be able to give you some ideas to help.
You are mum’s daughter, not slave!

Tell us more about her situation.
How old is mum?
What is wrong with her?
How much do you have to do for her?
Are you living with her?
Does she own or rent her home?
Where does your brother live?
Is mum getting Attendance Allowance?
Do you have Power of Attorney?
Does mum have over £23,000?

Welcome! I don’t think there is a person on here who has not felt like this. I know I used to.

Keep posting.

Hi Sharon. Welcome! Caring is hard work. Most people don’t understand this. It takes a physical toll. But it also takes an emotional toll and when someone is in your position - expected to carry on, unsupported - there will be feelings of resentment. And guilt will follow as night follows day. It’s perfectly normal and I think all of us go through it at some time.

But your brother is going to have to think again. You have the right to say “I’m not doing that.” And to ask for help. He can refuse, but he has to understand that you too have the right to refuse, too.

If your Mum doesn’t have a social care package, it’s worth seeking help from social services. Whether she does or not, you can ask social services to carry out a Carers Assessment to look at what help you need, either to carry on caring or to stop it altogether. Or something in between.

You are not alone. I am going through a similar situation and the guilt which is felt is horrible. Advice on here has helped me. Good luck.

I feel this too. And great as coaching and therapy and CBT and all that are, there’s no reframing some things into being OK. Caring is hard. It’s OK to find it hard.

Strength and love to you.

You need to look after yourself some times too!
My husband DIED from a massive heart attack soon after his mum and dad. They steadfastly refused outside carers, so did my parents. Between them, they had almost every major illness. Cancer, dementia, heat failure, arthritis. We called ourselves The Thunderbirds, ready to jump at a moments notice.
If you don’t stick up for yourselves, no one else will!

Hello, Sharon, do not be afraid to “vent” that is what we are here for. We all can relate to how you feel. Personally, I became a Carer by default as I was bored with my job, and as it was 2009 when there was the financial crash it seemed easier to look after Dad than search for a non existing job.
Try to get help if you can’t cope. Just because you are the daughter it does not mean only you are the Carer!
Take care of yourself too, it is so easy to forget your needs are important.
Best wishes, Kevin


Please do not feel guilty. As carers we do a wonderful job and at times seems so overwhelming. I myself am a Carer to my wife who has late onset cellebella ataxia. I also suffer from depression myself which adds to the stress of looking after my wife.

Guilt is something we all feel and I wish I could find the right words to tell you not to feel guilty.

If you can try to find something that you really like to do that takes you away from caring. I have a small allotment that I go to, weather permitting which is great for my wellbeing. Go for a walk, attend a keep fit class, do knitting. Just do something to treat yourself.

Also, reach out to professionals like doctors. I have a very understanding GP who I can rely on.

I hope this helps