Last year my mum aged 88 was diagnosed with cancer and initially was given a few months to live. As she lived in the North and we are in Wales I took early retirement and moved her to live with me and my husband. She has defied all the odds and is still well which I’m so happy about. But at the same time I want my life back and feel guilty for feeling that way as I know the only way I can is when she is no longer here. My husband has been amazing but I also sense he gets frustrated too! My brother lives on the other side of the country and has been little help so its down to me! Just want to know I’m not alone feeling this way. Thanks
Welcome to the Forum. Oh, believe me, there is no carer on earth who has not felt both resentful and guilty at the same time. And, as you say, you will get your life back when mum is no longer here which is not of course what you want. A rollercoaster of emotions.
I felt frustrated and resentful when caring for my mum. I moved to be closer to her but never lived with her, at least only at weekends. And indeed I did get my life back when she died. I would then have given anything to revert to looking after her again, which took a long time to adjust to the new normal.
Do you get breaks from caring at all? Does mum need much physical care?
Anyway, take a look around the Forum and join in where you feel like it. You will soon feel at home.
Thanks for the comments. It’s just good to know that I’m not alone in feeling this way. Mum did go into our local hospice for respite care for a week and we managed to get away for a break. Guess it’s just the day to day of never been able to do anything spontaneous as everything revolves around my mums needs which I don’t mind most of the time. Just every now and again i feel frustrated and resentful and can’t talk about it to anyone! Finding this forum is so helpful caring can be lonely at times!
It’s a shame you didn’t find us earlier.
So many people end up in the situation you are in, and many others think I’m hard for telling them under no circumstances should they have their parent move in with them!
How long does mum have to live? Is anyone talking to you about this?
How much help to you are the hospice?
My dad had prostate cancer, no one would talk to me, although the surgery knew that I’d be left to care for mum, although I was already caring for a brain damaged son. So I rang BACUP, now part of Macmillan, and they asked me to tell them what dad’s symptoms were, and they told me he had about 6 months left. Correct to within 2 weeks!
What is mum’s financial situation? Does she own any property or have over £23,000 in savings?
Claim Attendance Allowance? Has she had a Needs Assessment from Social Services?
When my late husband was diagnosed with vascular dementia and suffered strokes etc I was devastated. Eventually I realised I was angry and resentful at the situation, not with him. I wanted what we had back. That was never going to happen, so I taught myself to treasure the good visits to him at the nursing home, and the not so good ones I just used to think " tomorrow is another day. " We had a good marriage. I still have to give myself a pep talk when am coping with situations that he would have dealt with.
So I agree, everyone in similar situations, at times feel guilt, pain and anger, and nothing to be ashamed of.