Struggling to cope with my dad


I’m not a carer myself but my mum has recently become a carer for my dad. He has been in hospital for the last 6 years recovering from a very severe stroke, and he has recently returned home after my mum agreed to be his carer. I’m their daughter. I’m 20 and I currently live away from home as I’m a university student. I’m finding it extremely hard to deal with my dad returning home. The last 6 years have been very traumatic, and having him back in my house makes me scared. Because of this, I feel like I cannot return home anymore. I miss my mum so much, and I hardly get to see her anymore since she’s so caught up with caring for him. I understand, but I feel so abandoned and I’m finding it hard to cope now that I don’t have her by my side anymore. I’m an only child so I feel as though no one can understand or relate to what I’m going through. My dad doesn’t really understand, and my mum is so preoccupied with him that she can’t possibly help me deal with it too. I feel selfish, but I’m just so upset and if I tell my mum how I feel, she just gets upset with me and I don’t what her to be sad as she’s got enough to deal with. It’s making me feel as though they’d be better off without me. I’m struggling so much with the fact that for so long it was just me and my mum helping each other get through his illness, and now all of a sudden I feel completely alone. I don’t know what to do anymore, I love my parents so much but I feel so hurt by everything that’s happened. My mum knew long before he came home that I was scared of him and didn’t want him to come home. Every time I see her now, she’s so stressed that she barely spends any time with me. If anyone has any advice on what to do, please help.

Madeleine, I’m so sorry for this situation.

Did mum say she wanted dad home, was she given any choice?
Before his discharge there should have been a comprehensive care package drawn up, with carers coming into the house etc.etc.
Can I point you in the direction of something called the NHS Continuing Healthcare (CHC) Framework, especially the “checklist assessment”. Work out your own score for dad.
How old are your parents?
Do they own or rent their home?
Do they have over £46,000 in the bank between them (Yes/No).
Is mum claiming Attendance Allowance or PIP for dad?
Claiming Carers Allowance for herself?
Is the GP helping at all?

Do YOU think dad would be better off in residential care?
Is mum ever frightened of dad?
Is he physically violent? Verbally abusive? Behaving inappropriately towards you?