Struggling my dad is in hospital

My Dad is still in hospital they want to put a bed and commode downstairs as he has Parkinson’s his mobility is terrible he is 89 and is experiencing difficulties getting downstairs it’s really horrible seeing my dad like this and I’m really struggling to cope as a carer as well as the paid carers he has on top of that I know have my brother giving me the orders that he is not happy with that and giving the orders from London who also broke things in my house at Christmas. Hello why don’t you come down and do the job then. He hardly ever comes down because he is in is own little world with his horrible partner xx

Nikki, ring the hospital, ask to speak to PALS (Patient Liason) and make a complaint about a potentially “Unsafe Discharge”. Follow it up with an email to them, once you have an email address.
Sadly, dad is never going to get better, only worse. He needs 24 hour care. 3 carers a day, even if they are there for an hour each time, only amounts to 3 hours a day. Who is going to deal with the other 21 hours?!?!
Make it clear that you CANNOT care for him any more. Back that up in writing too.
I had a similar battle with my mum’s hospital. It’s absolutely awful. Take care of yourself.

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Nikki cannot really add much to what BB is saying. I do understand as I had a similar situation when my late father was in hospital. It was obvious to his visitors that he would NOT be able to cope alone even with the 4 Carers a day he was offered. I did not live with him and had to make it very clear I could not 'step in ’ to plug the gaps partially due to caring for my much older husband. PALS is a good option to try and also ‘Unsafe Discharge’. So many sleep walk into full time caring due to situations like this…

Well my dad agreed to go into a care home and now he has decided not too so still some work to do I’m shattered going back and forth to the hospital as he is still in plus I don’t think my health can take any more of this :tired_face:

Hi @Nikki_Anne

I’ve followed most of your journey…this will hurt but I must say that it’s time to DO LESS, don’t go to the hospital so much, as @bowlingbun says you can’t care for him anymore,
BUT you’re still saying, communicating and discussing and no one is listening…so in my harsh view - don’t do or say anything…

Highlight to PALS as @bowlingbun says, you had a good appointment with the GP and cried in the office, right - so tell them, then take his house keys, and go once a day to the hospital in visiting hours. Stay strong and keeping saying NO I am not caring for him or organising for him to go home.

DON’T do more - Coming out of hospital | Carers UK
Don’t engage
Even with your Dad - he is safer in the hospital. If he doesn’t want to go to the care home, then he stays in hospital. Safe.
Keep saying NO - regardless of what your dad says you need to know in yourself he is safer where he is. So unless he says yes to a care home he needs to stay in the hospital… ‘THEY’ can say whatever they want, but you don’t need to justify or explain - the more you do, the more it’ll happen
Don’t engage, don’t explain JUST say NO, no to keys, no to suggestions. Yes to hospital, yes to care home.

I understand this is hard, I’ve been through ‘hospital’ double-digit times…
It can be simple now that he’s safe in hospital
Just keep imagining us standing with you
2 words…NO and NO

Sorry to be harsh and directive, but you need directive action when you’re collapsed on your feet with tiredness

@Sue24 do you have a few words to help @Nikki_Anne

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I was lucky, mum realised she could not manage at home any more, unable even to roll over, banned from walking ever again for good reason, she particularly did not want to use a nappy and sit in her own poo for hours, no help at all planned at night. Even so it was difficult for us, the hospital just wanted their bed back. Staff were under huge pressure to achieve this. It ends up being a contest to see who gives in first. Your life matters too! You must keep saying No. It should never have come to this. I’m so sorry it has.


I’m absolutely exhausted travelling back and forth to the hospital not sure when my dad will be out. His bed has got to be downstairs as he has been dizzy coming downstairs. Now my brother is giving the orders again saying about his hygiene cause there is no bathroom downstairs I’m only going from what the hospital have said he is not safe to come downstairs even with the carers this at the moment is all very exhausting and stressful and I really wish my brother would stop giving the orders from London he is not here dealing with this I am and we are really not getting on at the moment it’s just so hard. Have a good day everyone xx

@Nikki_Anne Awww I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. :people_hugging: :people_hugging:

I’m sending you big hugs and empathy.
I hear you and we all see you and ALL your efforts.
I’ve not been through having a demanding sibling on my back all the time - so I can’t relate to that. I can relate to having LOTS of people tell you what to do.

I think our aim of what we were saying in previous messages was to help you stand back and disengage from your brother AND the hospital ‘assumption’ that your Dad will come home and you and Carers will look after him.
I’m gently asking because as you engage with your brother and his demands - the assumption that your Dad is discharged and goes home for 3 carers a day and you to look after him, that continues to move forward

@Nikki_Anne Whatever you do we’re here, Vent, shout whatever, we’ll support

I have to say all of this because I’m very concerned for you that what’s happening with your brother is distracting you AND him from the dangers, safety issues and potential crisis of your Dad returning to his home

Apologies I hate to lay more on you when you’re exhausted and stressed, but I have to shout this out for your safety and well being!

This is not about a bathroom or bed downstairs, this is about you already being burnt out, exhausted. IF you’re ok to do this for your Dad then focus away from your brother get more support for at home Mum and I were lucky because there were 2 of us to have each other BUT not good because there were 2 of us doing everything, hands on.

We managed to get hospice at home care support at night and a private healthcare assistant worker when it was the worst of times. Hospices can offer night time care.
If you’re going to have Dad at home - please get prepared asap

Otherwise I revert to my message from before…BUT We’re here for you @Nikki_Anne

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Cannot add to Victoria’s post. But I totally agree you need to make it clear to the hospital that they are going to be doing a potentially ‘Dangerous Discharge’ as you WILL NOT and CANNOT offer any support to your father. Your mental health matters too.