Sorry to join and bombard you all with this but I haven’t got any friends at all and I’m really struggling. If you get to the end I thank you, and sorry to take so much of your time up!!
I’m 41 and have a 16 year old daughter with OCD, this has gotten much worse recently and I spend hours a day placating her. She has to tell me her worries and other such compulsions. It can go on for hours. We are in a waiting list for camhs.
A few years ago my partner got a virus which attacked his heart and he got heart failure and ended up having a cardiac arrest. I ended up giving up work as a teacher and he took early retirement so we live off that. I am now his carer and been so for the last few years. He has slowly been getting worse, has ended up pretty much housebound and suffered quite a few cardiac arrests since - he has an internal defibrillator in, which shocks his heart thank goodness. But I have to be with him most of the time just in case. He has been told that he might not have many years left due to the nature of his heart trouble.
My mother moved to another town when I was 19 but she suffered a series of mini strokes and moved back to town. She is now slowly getting worse too and struggles to walk. She moved here so that I would look after her (I’m almost an only child as she hasn’t spoken to her other daughters for 30 years).
She expected me to look after her as sees me as not working. I explained the situation to her and arranged social services to come out and carers but she turned them away and then called me asking me to do everything.
I organised meals on weels but she cancelled them too.
I’ve been trying but I just can’t do it. She also smokes whenever I go which I hate as it has set my asthma off.
This week my partner has been in hospital and I couldnt take her cigarettes and food. I got her a supermarket delivery but they didn’t have the cigarettes.
She has been calling me crying saying she may as well be dead , that she isn’t eating , taking her tablets and upset that she is on her own. She would rather starve than accept outside help.
Any other time I could rush there and help but I’ve been so busy and stressed with my partner being ill this week. And obviously my daughter as it’s set her issues off and she’s started self harming. Luckily this has stopped I hope.
I don’t know what to do. I’m really really struggling as it is between my partner and daughter. My son has moved to uni, mine and my partners friends have drifted away. I feel very alone and just spend my life seeing to everyone.
I don’t mind or resent looking after my daughter and partner , I know time is limited with him and I love him very much. But I’m just struggling with it and my mother. I don’t know what to do.
Thank you for getting this far, if you have you’re so kind
@Kir6……I’m so sorry to hear you are going through so much. I’m not surprised you’re struggling. It must be so hard for you to watch your partner decline and to try and juggle everything. Hopefully you won’t have to wait too much longer for your daughter to see someone who can help her. I know from my brief experience with Cams with my daughter that the wait time is quite lengthy. I’m glad you’ve reached out. This forum is a lifeline and will help you so much through the tough times.
I’m 55 and was a carer for my husband who is now 58 for several years whilst working full time. He is now in a care home after going downhill over the last couple of years. It’s a long story but his mobility has been bad for many years but in the last couple of years he’s had a stroke, emergency life saving surgery for a hernia which twisted his bowel, kidney failure and sepsis. He was in hospital for 7 months end of last year into early this year before going to a physio rehab to learn to walk again as he was bedbound in hospital and lost muscle power. When he came home from physio he had carers doubled upm4 times a day and physio but he couldn’t/wouldn’t do the physio and they withdrew his physio within the first week of being home. He then moved into a care home at the end of May. This forum has helped me get through some pretty tough times and hopefully will help you too. Sending you a big hug
For a few years my husband and I were caring in various ways for all four parents, all local to us, as well as our son, now 45, who has severe learning difficulties, and running our own business. Soon after his dad died at 87, my husband died of a massive heart attack in his sleep. I’ll always believe it was the stress of caring that led to this. I developed a life threatening illness, major surgery followed. My consultant told me 25 years without a proper holiday didn’t do you any favours. Caring can be life threatening! You get the treatment you are prepared to put up with! Counselling really helped me see that mum expected me to behave like the obedient child I once was, but I was a grown woman, newly widowed and newly disabled by an RTAand her priorities were not mine! You must control mum’s demands. Try to see her as an Elderly Toddler who has a tantrum when she doesn’t get her own way. Either she accepts carers or manages without. You cannot care for three people, she chose to move, not you. Explain the situation and don’t answer her calls, she can leave a message but make it clear she MUST sort out day to day carers.
The fact that she smokes knowing it sets off your asthma shows that she wants to use you for her own convenience and (I’m sorry to say this) really doesn’t care about you as she should.
Thank you all for your advice. It is comforting to meet others in the same situation. It does feel very lonely at times doesn’t it? It sounds like you have been through a lot, it’s exhausting. You have hearts of an angel , it does take a special kind of person to care
@Kir6 I care for my 85 year old medically non compliant husband and I am afraid I call him ‘The senile toddler’ because he really does behave like a spoilt toddler with his tantrums.
I personally would write to your Mother’s GP Surgery - send it special delivery and say that you are walking away and cannot and will not do any more of the day to day caring due to your other responsibilities. You have gone the extra mile trying to arrange carers. The Surgery has a ‘duty of care’. YOUR sanity and mental health matters.
I know it is easy for me to be a ‘keyboard’ warrior typing away but back in 2017 my late father went downhill and expected me to care for him - he lived locally and I was an only child. I was trying to care for my husband who had just been discharged from hospital having had Sepsis and AKI. My father and husband were the same age and hated each other. I wrote to my late Father’s Surgery and said they had a ‘duty of care legally’. They arranged an SS assessment. The Carers kept phoning me and saying things such as ‘your father wont let us in - you will have to come over’ or ‘your father wont eat or take his tablets you will have to come over’. I luckily had a good friend who saw I was close to a breakdown so I had to tell the Care Agency that I was no longer able to be a contact or ‘next of kin’ . It was very very hard to do but sometimes you have to put yourself first to survive. I really hope you can get some support for your husband and daughter as trying to care for 2 people let alone 3 is a nightmare.
Do you have a local ‘Support for Carers’? If so it might be worth making contact. I realise you may not be able to get to meetings but sometimes they can offer a ‘telephone befriender’. They have often been Carers themselves. There may be a waiting list but it is worth making contact and seeing if there is any help available locally.
Lastly please have a look at Roll Call. We do share the ups and downs of caring and yes, sometimes humor (occasionally black) creeps in. Just ‘lurk’ for a while if you wish and/or reveal as much or little about your day as you feel comfortable with. Has been a life saver for me.
I am so sorry I have just seen this reply. It had gone to junk mail.
Thank you so so so much. This has made me feel so much better. I don’t feel like I’m an evil person when seeing others who understand. My partner is older than me too so I understand.
Thank you again I will look Roll call , dark humour is sometimes needed! Thank you again and I hope you are doing ok now you’ve been through a lot
@Kir6, remember that you are only one person, and there is only so much of you to go round. You already have your hands full looking after your partner and daughter, that in itself is a lot for one person to take on 24/7; looking after a third person on top of that just isn’t doable, at least not without driving you into the ground with a total breakdown.
Your Mother chose to move nearer to you. She chose to send the carers away. She chose to refuse the meals on wheels. She needs to realise that she has to accept other help because you are not able to give it.
