Struggling newbie (s)

New to Carers Connect
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Hi folks,

I’ve visited before but joined now as I’m struggling. I care for my Mum, and have since I was a teenager. I’m in my late 30s and my life is passing by. I’ve no life outside of home. She isn’t the easiest person to live with. My life was very restricted since I left school. I’d no social life and was controlled in other ways too.

I knew my mental health was getting worse due to my life passing by, and had been hurting myself because I couldn’t cope. I knew I needed help so I asked the GP for counselling. It really helped and haven’t hurt myself since.

Mum has ms. She’s able to get about in the house, and can make a meal and can do her own personal care. She’s been given physio to do, but does it for a while then gets fed up doing it so stops. She doesn’t want to go out anywhere, no matter how much I try to encourage her. She has no interests, and anything I’ve suggested she turns down, then complains of being bored. She never had any interests outside of the house, and was never one for friends.

Sometimes she falls but can get up again. But she stays up very late at night, and I’m scared she might fall and not be able to get up, and end up laying on the floor all night. I can’t stay up as late as she does. One night she fell asleep downstairs i woke up and heard noise, it was 2am. Then i couldn’t sleep worrying about her, and i had to go to work the next day, and my head was a mess. I try to get her to go to bed earlier but she just argues.

I was working recently but the job didn’t work out. I’m looking for another job and will be volunteering in the meantime. I’m hoping to be able to move out when I get settled in another job, but I know this won’t go down well with mum. She always said about wanting me to live with her forever. When she got divorced when I was a teenager, she said I’d be the next one to abandon her

She’s got worse this last week since my job ended. Now she lays on til noon and misses out on getting enough to eat, and then is late with taking her medication. Again nothing I do or say makes any difference.

She is depressed, and says things like “no point going to bed, nothing to get up for”. I arranged for us to visit a relative this weekend but had to cancel as mum wouldn’t get up. Mum wants to go nowhere so I end up having to stay in too. Out of guilt, how can I go out and do nice things when she’s sitting in the house.

It’s just the 2 of us. She’s divorced and I’m an only child. I’m lucky to have an amazing auntie and my dogs. Otherwise I don’t know how I’d have got this far.

Sorry it was so long and thanks for reading if you got this far

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Hi Shelly

Do contact social services for a care needs assessment for your mum and a carer needs assessment for yourself if not already done and if done, if it has been over a year ask for a review.

Does your mum have an emergency call pendant/wristband for them to help her up if she can’t get up?

Moving out to your own life is not abandoning your mum, you still love her and care about her.
However you are doing what everyone does, moving out to have your own place and your own life.
Moving out is doing what is natural for everyone.

Your mum, without any disrespect to you both, is using emotional blackmail and coercive control to keep you with her. Unfortunately for her there is no government law to allow her to make you stay or to enforce you to stay and be her carer.

Keep your energy and positivity for a new job and your own place.
Get social services involved to get the care system set up to give your mum her independence.

Do not feel guilt, you have nothing to feel guilty about. It is normal to want your own place and life.

There’s no limit on length of post and you are here now, you’re not alone.
Glad to hear you have a great auntie and I hope she sticks up for you to your mum on moving out.

It’s gone on so long because of your mum and there’s always tomorrow or next week or next month… don’t overwork yourself on that for now, concentrate on your future.

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Hi Shelly,

Welcome to the forum.

I agree with all Breezey has said.

In addition, I’d say start gradually setting things up for when (not if!) you move out. Have a food delivery for example if you don’t already (you can still pop out to get extra bits if you need a reason to escape the house for a bit.) Sort out a care package for your Mum that takes on some of the tasks your Mum can’t do etc

You really shouldn’t feel guilty. It’s your Mum’s choice that she isn’t going out doing nice things - even when you arrange things she doesn’t want to go. That doesn’t mean you need to stay in.

Likewise with her staying up late - she probably isn’t doing enough to get tired - but you are active and busy. Its harder to cope when you are tired. Sort out the falls pendant or bracelet so you can go to bed and not worry about your Mum falling in the night etc

Counselling helped you, it sounds like your Mum needs some too. Is there an MS nurse involved in her care? You could write to her GP/ speak to the MS nurse saying you are concerned that your Mum is depressed and needs support with this.

Is your Mum a member of the MS society? There is information here https://www.nationalmssociety.org/Resources-Support
They have online support too https://www.nationalmssociety.org/Resources-Support/Find-Support/Online-Communities

Melly1

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Hello it sounds similar to what my mum says: she will often try to keep me in (make me feel guilty for going out) by saying “moan moan I never get to go out, moan moan, I’ve had to stay in for 3 years due to covid, moan moan” and I’m all like well first of all I didn’t cause covid to happen in the world and secondly it was your choice not to get the vaccines (she had one, the first one, too scared to get the others due to stories of older people dying after) and it was your choice to be scared and stay in for so long after things have died down.
She keeps saying that she wants to see how things go after going through a winter and a summer (she said that in 2020) and here we are 2 winters and summers later and she’s still saying she wants to go through a summer (now passed) and a winter to see how things go with covid, lol.
I told her just go out to places where there aren’t crowds or people closed in, i…ee outdoor places or indoor places where people are spaced out, you’re not likely to catch it outdoors unless it’s a really close crowd…

I’ve been a member for some years now and have only just started posting and telling my story and replying to others. Seeing all the people who are in similar and some scarily same situations to me! Yours is so similar except you’ve been doing it for a lot longer time by now.
21 to 31 now! A decade, thought she started with mobility issues since I was 15 but only just at 21 asked me to become her carer. I did so out of obligation and the rest is history. I didn’t wanna do it but felt I had to. I’ve only just learned from talking to my new friends and people on here of my situation and they have actually witness how my mum acts through videos and voice recordings (I’d often go live on youtube and she’d come yelling and screaming or arguing or bossing me around on camera) it was so embarrassing but they all told me my mum is actually mistreating me. I never realised it at first.
I always thought she had the right (as she would tell me) to act this way because she’s older and gone through so much shit and it’s her time and all about her now she’s disabled and I’m her carer, it’s not about me no more. She said I’ve had my time now.
If people or even I tell her I need to have a life she would often say “well you can either have a life or move out or be my carer but you can’t do both” and like a wuss I was and still am too scared to move out feeling like I rely on her and the house and the inheritance. She would often say that if I left she would not give me my inheritance…
Urgh, maybe I should forgo it then? I’m not sure. I am in need of advice too. Advice other than “just move out and leave” coz I’m too scared. It’s a huge step and I’ve never lived on my own before. I know bugger all about life on my own except how to cook and clean.
I do have a place to live if I wanted. My friend offered to let me live with her and her family but they live so far away and think of the travelling!
Sorry I’m rambling. just wanted to let you know my situation is kinda similar so we can support eachother. I’m here to chat if you need to

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Thanks for your replies. You are right in what you say. I’d started to realise over the years, that it was like a controlling relationship. But the more I realised this, I felt like I was a bad daughter, especially with hearing other people say their Mum is their best friend/ closest person you’ll ever have. But when I spoke to the counsellor, it helped massively.

To answer some of your questions, I had a carers assessment done once, a few years before covid. It was never offered before that. I’d been thinking of getting one again now, but then the job ended so I felt like I’d just be expected to get on with it, because of being unemployed now, and not wanting to waste anyone’s time. You can tell I’m in the habit of putting myself last :relaxed:

I must look into a pendant. We have a local shop that people can ring to get shopping delivered. She did have a social worker years ago for a while, and they got her to go out to a centre but she didn’t go back. She could be doing with counselling but is against that.

Thanks for all your kind words and support :cake::coffee::bouquet:

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Hi Victoria, so kind of you to remember me from before. Yes I managed to speak to counsellor through the GP. I got i think it was 6 or 8 sessions. It was really helpful being able to speak to someone without judgement. I originally went along feeling like my life was passing me by. Which it was.

The sessions dug into my relationship with my Mum, and opened my eyes to stuff about that which I already knew, but had been in a bit of denial about. Part of what I’d to do was a bit of journaling. That was tough! But so worthwhile to actually see it all written down. I cried when I was in my room at night writing everything down.

What gets me, is I wouldn’t take that from a partner, I’d walk. But when its your Mum, family don’t understand. They just make excuses for her. And expect me to keep on taking it. And the sad thing is, friends, colleagues and complete strangers are more supportive. So much for family

But I’d definitely highly recommend talking to a counsellor for anyone who’s struggling.

On a happier note, I’m settled in a great job! I really couldn’t ask for a better company to work for. My colleagues are brilliant and I count them as friends.

I’ve a long commute so I thought I’d move closer to work, then come home at weekends to do Mum’s shopping and cleaning. But when I mentioned this, everything kicked off. I was told I was selfish, that I wouldn’t leave my Mum if I loved her. They don’t know me any more. They’re finished with me. That I wouldn’t be able to afford to live on my own. I was given an example of a woman who’s daughters live with her, and they do it because they love their mother. I was told I need to be in the house at night to make sure my mum gets to bed safely. Etc etc etc. Then, wait for it … I was told it would be different if I was getting married, I could have my own place then.

Still being told how to live my life at my age

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@Shelly1 - Awww of course, we try to remember each other, I must to confess I like to check through old posts so I’m not saying something that doesn’t fit, or if it’s already been discussed (click on the person’s name/profile and you’ll see activity and their last posts) - so it’s not so much my great memory magic!

May I suggest we as @Melly1 to put your note, in this thread of Simon’s - into one on its own?

ok - so that said
I’m so glad your experience with counselling was good. I love journalling - I need to otherwise I’d frustrate myself too much!
It’s fab that you have such a great job too - that’s kinda rare these days!
So despite all the stresses your being brave and managing to what you want despite all the ‘advice’ - demands and pressure from family - YAY!
I’m not going to go into all of the care splaining from some family members - I’d take reems of text! We’re blessed to have other family members who ARE supportive - who meld into the existing routine Mum and I have, and just ‘do’ as we ask or need. SO lovely!

I’ve slightly different situation - those family members care-splaining to me, ASSUMED, I came to live with Mum and Dad to care for them because I was being a ‘dutiful’ good daughter…when in fact I CHOSE deliberately to resign from a ‘big job’ - Its fun to see how they twist themselves up trying to fathom me giving up a big salary and their assumption of me being ‘dutiful’…Mum Dad and I evolved our relationship through some BIG crises. BUT they had intense guilt, that I needed to counter
…for me I was, in a way, liberated from a corporate-climbing ladder, and wanted to help Mum with dad…I still do my own thing tho - with a tiny company I set up and other work…
these days Mum picks up the phone to some people, so I can minimise the interactions. I protect her and myself from unnecessary hurt OR useless waste of energy :wink:

I can only do that AFTER big arguments and BIG tears and events…but I learnt my lesson. I can forgive them in my head, I don’t need to say it to them. Neutral no energy, means I don’t even spend energy trying to deny or ignore them…they’re just there, I’m civil and polite, but I’ve what I call ‘chosen friends-family’ who know me better and support me so much more…

Ohhhh bit of a soapbox moment - sorry!
I’ll call on my friend here @Chris_22081 to add his thoughts and come stand on the soapbox next :wink:

HUGS

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