Spent 18 months with my mum and dad

Firstly Hello to everyone my name is Alistair i am currently looking after my father who is 80 years old my mum had to be sectioned a month ago i have cared for them both for almost 2 years with out any help as i felt it was my duty to do so plus it just felt like the right thing to do.
I am currently at my wits end or so it feels with having to deal with so many hurdles,hoops that require done things seem ten times worse with covid as i keep getting sorry at the moment we dont do that then passed on to some other place or person, 2020 just seems to be getting worse as i was made redundant at this moment in time its just my savings and now benefits we are living on as trying to get gaurdianship is a very slow process.
i feel like i am a prisoner now as the only time i get out is when i take my father out lost all contact with my friends my father wanders and has been brought home twice by the amazing police who did a fantastic job with him.
alarms have been fitted etc to doors.
so many things to do gaurdianship,finding a care home that can meet my mums needs just general things seem to be spiraling out of my control.
Any way thank you for taking the time to read it probably feels more like i am ranting if so i apologize.

We all need to rant sometimes, it really does help.

What help are you getting from Social Services? Have you had a Carer’s Assessment and your Dad a Needs Assessment?

No-one can be forced to care for anyone else, no matter what their relationship. There will come a time when your Dad’s needs must take priority over his wants and you’ll need to step back from your caring role, (for your own healths sake as much as anything else).

Hello Alistair

Firstly welcome to the forum, this sounds like a difficult situation for you, please don’t apologise for having a rant, we all need to let off steam now and again.

I wonder if you’ve heard of our care for a cuppa sessions? We’re running series of online weekly meet ups for carers to get together and chat informally. They’re very informal zoom sessions and people say they’ve found it really helpful and supportive and it’s nice to be able to take a little bit of time for yourself. There’s no pressure to share any more than you’re comfortable with. Join up details are here:


We would love to see you there

with kind regards

Hi Alistair, welcome to the forum.
I supported all four parents, incredibly difficult, all stubbornly independent.

It sounds like money is causing you serious worries, so I’ll start there (back later “spring” cleaning today)
Between them, do your parents have over £46,000 between them. Yes or No is all I need as an answer, but it affects eligibility for some things.

Under some circumstances, as mum has now been sectioned, the NHS may pay for all her ongoing care.
Find out all you can about NHS Continuing Healthcare.

Was mum claiming Attendance Allowance?
Is dad now claiming Attendance Allowance?

To manage their benefits from now on, you can become their DWP Appointee. It’s a fairly quick and easy process.

However, if she has dementia, did you know that she was totally exempt from Council Tax since the onset of dementia?
Dad will also be exempt now.
This can be backdated! (Don’t believe them if they deny this!!)
You need to get a form each from the council, they just want to know the name of the GP.
Then they sent a form to the GP.

You need time off from caring.
Ask Social Services for a Needs Assessment for dad, and a Carers Assessment for you.

Do your parents own or rent their home?

thank you all for the replies it means a lot i have carers helping in the morning with washing,breakfast then lunch i do evening meal.
attendance allowence was not being claimed by either currently going through that process for my father.
money wise- yes but neither of them can remeber there pin numbers or even what they have done with there cards bank is being stubborn as dad is still being assesed.
there house is bought.
social services tod me that they could organize some one to come out once a week to allow me to get out and have time to myself but when i phonedwho they told me to contact i was told we dont do that but can send a list of pvt carers but they charge.
thank you everyone for the replies it means a lot just having people to talk with feels like a bit of the load has been lifted
keep safe all during these hard time

You can have Appointeeship very quickly, to sort out their benefits and pension money going forwards.
Do they have over £46,000 between them? Yes/No?

Yes they have over £46,000

This is Respite Care, (even I’m entitled to that, if nothing else).

It will only be a couple of hours a week (it might be three hours, my GP said three a while back, but I still think it’s two), you can build these up into a more usable amount of time if you want to, they don’t disappear if not used and so they do roll over.

My mum was in residential care for the last year of her life, and I have been involved with many others moving into residential care, long ago.

Please take the following as my personal “rough guide” to your situation.
Before making any big decisions, please consult the CUK helpline, and/or a solicitor.

As they have over £46,000, your parents will not get any financial help with meeting care costs.
That does not mean that you can’t have any time off, but they will have to pay for it.
If the bank are being protective until the legal situation is sorted, you should be able to give the bank invoices for any care needs, which they should pay without a fuss.

However, as I said earlier, if mum was sectioned, then she may be entitled to care funding for the rest of her life, probably via NHS Continuing Healthcare (CHC).

If you are not claiming any income related benefits, your parents should have been paying you something for all the care you provide, and of course if they had claimed Attendance Allowance, that would have been £120 a week extra.
Nursing home fees, per person, in my area, are well over £1,000 a week, which can soon gobble up the entire value of the house. Whilst dad stays there, the value of the house won’t be included in any calculations regarding fee contributions.

I asked earlier how old you were. IF you are over 60, living with your parents, the value of the house won’t be considered if dad goes into residential care.

Do you have any siblings?

The respite care I mentioned is not means tested, both my wife and I are over the £23k threshold but I could still get it if I pushed for it. However, a couple of hours a week is of no use to me as my wife can be left to her own devices for a couple of hours without any problems.Even if I let it build up, I doubt that I could use it without at least several days notice, and that just wouldn’t fit in with how I’d want to use it so I’ve not bothered to pursue it.

regaurding my age im 53 so thats another of my worries what happens if they both go into a home but some of the advice given so far means a lot to me thank you everyone its so appreciatted

Below 53, I believe that the council have discretion whether or not to include the property, especially if selling it would make you homeless. This would only apply AFTER all their savings were used up.

The CUK helpline could tell you more.

Complete those AA forms asap, and also apply for the Council Tax exemptions, remember getting it backdated too.