Someone else with a mother with dementia after a stroke?

Specific disabilities and conditions
1

Hi all. Just joines. Im not from UK, Im from Argentina

My mother had a stroke when she was at her 40s, now she is 63, she have cognitive issues. She is not completely gone, I mean, she “lives in reality”, way different as my grandmother when she also developed dementia. My mother still can process reality, but she have some pecualiar ways to think that are “not rational”.

She also have short memory issues (but perfect long term memory, still intact 100%), she cant do simple maths like 17+39, she even cant use the calculator right, recently a Dr asked her to draw a clock at 5:30pm and she couldnt do it. She cant get that 80 seconds is more than 1 minute, I guess she thinks that 1 minute should be 100 seconds.

She also have big anger issues, getting mad for everything, wich makes it difficult to handdle. She gets mad all the time about everything, I cant see the newschannel with her or other channels because she starts talking bad about people of the TV and its just annoying to listen her complainkng and yelling all the time.

I like to watch the TV in mute, just watch it, dont hear it, and that makes her mad, “if you gonna to turn on the TV put sound, or turn it off”, like if thay matter… She gets mad when I stay too much at the bathroom.

She is very controlling and paranoid thinking everuthing could brake. When we eat she doesnt like if I use the microwave too much, only can use it 2 times, if the food still cold she would get mad if I use it a 3rd time.

She have his ups and downs with his anger issues, its a looooong story to tell.

She hoards, her house is a mess, lately she gets mad if I try to clean, or she tells me “can you please stop cleaning ? You are so obsessive with cleaning”, and when I say a mess the house is really messy, she hoarded too much furniture, and also keeps old things are useless, or she doesnt know how to store properly.

She have a small dog, but she let all the backyard for the dog and part of the garage, I cant go to the garage because the strong smell of the dog’s waste, my mother just doesnt care. Also its not a calm dog, the dog is chill, but as soon you try to go back to the house the dogs runs at you and barks you trying to enter the house, so you have to close the door quick, and if the dog enters then doednt wants to go out, also barks you if you try to pet him, my mother just doesnt see she should find the dog another house, its not for her, you cant even take it for a wall because barks you if you try to put a chain.

Im her only support, Im 29 old. My parents divorced long time ago, my sister lives in another country and have a bad relationship with my mother, my sister isnt a very gentle person, and likes to fight my mother, she try to help her “on a hatd way”, and doesnt understands the treatment my mother needs.

My mother take pills and have Drs and everything.

I just joined here to see if I kind find other carers of parents in a similar situation.

Anyone related with the case of my mother ? Thanks.

2

Are you in the UK?
Has mum had a Mental Capacity Assessment?
Have Social Services had a Needs Assessment, and you a Carers Assessment?

3

Im not in the UK. She have all the medical attention she needs.

Im here mostly to meet other people who also have a parent who developed dementia due to an early age stroke who got symptoms similar to my mother. Just to talk and etc.

Forgot to say, I dont live with her, she lives alone, she still good to prepare her breakfast alone, use the computer (not perfectly), use the phone, etc.

She had damaged on her right side of the brain, so her left hand is always closed, and her left foot fingers are a bit stiff.

4

It’s OK if you aren’t in the UK, but it means that we can’t make the suggestions about services as we would in the UK.

Brain damage is such a difficult thing to manage.
My youngest son was brain damaged at birth. He’s now 43, lives in a flat with carer support, he can’t read, write, or do any maths, his road safety is poor, he can’t cross a busy road safely. That the damage. However he has a photographic memory, keeps his flat like a show home, and can drive a 10 ton steam roller!

However the puzzling bit is that some days he can do some things, other days he just can’t work out things the same way.
The only way we know if he can or can’t do something is to let him try.

5

Hello to you in Argentina Diego

If you can access this site it might be helpful to you, it is a forum for dementia

My mother has had minor strokes and was upset about the damage from them, I would sit and spoon feed her until she was able to feed herself, but she slowly improved and we celebrated the little wins and laughed at some the of the issues at times.

My mother doesn’t have the paralysis that your mother has, she doesn’t have the anger either or dementia so I am not able to advise you.
Have you discussed the anger issues, paranoia and the hoarding etc with her doctors?
Are they fully aware of the situation and decline of her home due to this? make sure they fully understand the sate of the home and the issues with the dog, write it down for them, if your phone has camera, show them photographs and video the dog. You might find more help or review and change of medications.
In the UK we have the RSPCA - royal society for protection of animals. They can remove dogs that are not being cared for but the dogs have to be in a very bad state for them to use the powers, But they can also speak with the owner about their inability to care for the dog and have them sign the dog over to be taken and rehomed. Is there a similar thing over there? has the dog always been like that or is it acting through anger itself due to it not being able to be cared for properly now?

Good luck Diego

6

Hi there Breezey. I also joined to the forum you mentioned, and also made a topic (not just one actually) like this, but I didnt find any carer with case like my mother, thats why I decided to look for a new forum and I found this one.

Yes, about Drs and all that is all cover.

7

Hi Diego
Don’t give up on the other one - people come and go due to circumstances, keep an eye out in case someone pops up in reply or posting their own.

8

I care for my grandmother who has dementia and it’s been 7 years. First thing I noticed was her becoming testy. She started to not be the sweet grandma anymore. She also started calling me a liar because she couldn’t remember things. I was getting puzzled as to why she couldn’t remember things. Then it started to dawn on me. Got her diagnosed and started on medication.

Now, seven years later, she can’t remember anything from a minute ago. Yet, she can tell you anything from 50 years ago like it just happened. Crazy how this disease works.

9

Hi Suomy,
Short term memory tends to get worse with age I’m afraid. My own memory isn’t what it used to be either.
Are you sole carer for your grandmother? Usually, it would be your parents who dealt with their own parents.

I always worry when grandchildren are doing the bulk of caring, because you might miss out on all the usual things young people do.
Has your grandmother had a Needs Assessment, and you a Carers Assessment, so that Social Services might be able to offer some support so that you get regular guaranteed time off.?
Is gran claiming Attendance Allowance, and you, Carers Allowance?

10

My grandmother started this a year ago :frowning: and it just keeps getting worse.

Last week she called the police because she thought someone was breaking into her house. When police arrived, she called the police again claiming imposter police were trying to rob her. When the second set of police showed up, they called my dad and an ambulance. At the hospital, she had no memory of any of it. She kept thinking she rode the hospital bus up to the hospital to see my dad so he wouldn’t be alone. But he was never admitted.

And a couple days ago we had to help her remember her husband died 3.5 years ago. Watching her go through all those emotions a second time was almost worse than the first.

11

Fran, is she still in hospital, or now back at home?
It is kinder not to tell someone repeatedly that someone the love has died, to save repeated distress. Kind lies are better.

12

Fran
My late husband used to ask if I had seen his mother. I couldn’t possibly explain that she had died many years ago. Used to tell the kind lies. Something like she can’t come out in this heat/ cold, she’s at the deaf club but is fine. It pacified him. I changed the subject as quickly as possible.
Of course it’s a matter of choice how one deals with these heartbreaking situations. My personal aim was to try and keep my husband as content as possible in his dementia world

13

Recently I’ve been having “Is X dead?” from my Mum: this has been mainly my sister and my dad but can be almost anyone else she’s known. At the moment she’s at a point where she sort of knows that they did die, and she’s seeking confirmation and reassurance that she’s remembered correctly.