Long time since posting…a lot has happened.

My two sons have pretty much got support now, and are adults. But that leaves me at a turning point.

My husband and I have nothing in common, but the caring we have done.

Anyone else feel this.

Hi Cloudygal

Caring has a habit of taking over your life to the exclusion of everything else, and it can wreck relationships more completely than almost anything you can think of. Or it can strengthen them. It might even make you forget important truths.

I don’t really have any suggestions for you other than that you must, at some time, have had something in common - maybe start there?

Hello Charles

Thank you for your reply.

In a lot of cases you would be spot on. Don’t think we ever had a lot in common. We are very different people. Throughout I have done stuff by myself…hobbies, holidays.

On top of it all…he has really neglected himself. And doesn’t want to do anything about it.

Will probably just continue more of the same, because financially splitting would be too difficult.

You have my sympathy as I was in that position after we retired - huge age difference and we had less and less in common - our bond was always the business. Nothing quite as lonely as this kind of situation.

Could you ‘carve’ a life for yourself? Make a real effort to make new friends and meet people? I know you say splitting is hard financially but how would you feel if his health went downhill, and you slept walked into caring for him?

I wonder if finding a good counsellor might help? Issue with caring is that we focus so much on the person we are caring for’s needs, we totally forget our own.

It is YOUR time now Cloudy Gal.

Hi Cloudygal. Understood, but “more of the same” isn’t working for you. Helena has given some good advice there.

It sounds as if your husband has depression - has he seen anyone about it?

It’s really sad when this happens.
Do you talk about the fact that you have drifted apart?
Can you remember what attracted you long ago?

Oh I’m ever so sorry CG. I’ve never been in a relationship so can’t really answer that question for you.

I can only go by what others are saying. Don’t end up being a carer for him by default.

I wouldn’t say rush off into a new relationship but if you are able to join groups and meet people on your wavelength, go for it. Don’t end up being a victim. Look after yourself.

Buy a book called “Starting Again” by Sarah Litvinoff. It might help you decide what you want from the rest of your life.
I found it really helpful after I was widowed, my old life gone forever in an instant.