This is part rant, part curiosity as to whether other carers have experienced this and an opportunity for other people to vent as well.
Over the past five years as I have adjusted to doing more for my 86 year old Dad, who is mostly housebound except for medical appointments but still tries to be fairly active within his home, I have experienced a few occasions (the most recent being today) of people who aren’t even family members offering their unasked for comments or opinions.
Examples:
Comments from Dad’s neighbours “You need to do more for your Dad!” when his front garden was overgrown with weeds (before he had his garden paved). Dad was fine - clean, home comforts, food, meds sorted, medical appointments attended - the important stuff.
Lady in the waiting room at the eye infirmary dad was attending when he had one of his ‘turns’ (later diagnosed as Atrial Fibrillation/Tachycardia) “You need to get your Dad sorted out!”. Dad was already on the waiting list to see the Cardiologist at the time and was later diagnosed, put on the correct meds and fitted with a pacemaker.
Do these outsiders think you are not aware? Do they think that you as a carer are doing nothing? Who asked for their opinions? This literally drives me crazy! Caring is hard enough without this unwelcome input. Thoughts, comments, rants welcome.
@Den54 ohhh this is a BIG soapbox that we take turns stepping onto For example: https://forum.carersuk.org/t/bumper-stickers-for-carers/123563/65?u=victoria_1806
Caresplaining - worse than mansplaining because even men get called out for that now…whereas carers are expected to listen & do …whatever is suggested…
…also get it from a cultural ref where we’re meant to ‘listen to our elders’
…also meant to ‘accept’ any opinion because ‘people mean well and need to feel they’re heard’ - uhhh no - not here to service your ego or assuage your guilt
…also from ego-centric people who feel they want to be the ‘hero’ and 'save the day by instructing…hot air and words, not action
…camouflaged in supposed kindness…when the crowd has gone/cameras gone/visibility /spotlight gone…the ‘goodwill’ has suddenly gone too
…and those who either have nothing to do, are bored, or just like to stir & have drama…also correlates with small village mentality where every family is subject to village gossip/is part of the community drama-story…
seeee…you’re definitely NOT alone, going mad or by any means singled out…we all get it too…
Hope that helps Punch some pillows - I’ve murdered several and they’re all flat pancakes now
Post edit…at the start I ‘accepted’ a LOT of good hearted advice, tried to explain, tried to not let it get to me…BUT it always does and drains energy…trying to educate others, explain why something won’t work, why I’d tried it already but have to conserve energy… when things got bad, I lost my patience and set a hard boundary - ‘thank you, I respect that’s your opinion, and appreciate your sentiment/words but No that won’t be happening.’ pause ‘thank you’ bye
if pushed, - ‘thanks yes I hear you but no WE have decided we won’t do that, it’s not your decision/responsibility/right, its ours’…
Usually a firm thanks but NO works well though!
@Victoria_1806 Caresplaining! I love it! I did enjoy reading the link you posted, some of it made me howl with laughter and I feel better already. Glad to know I’m not alone in this.
Oh yes, listen to and do whatever is suggested. I really do think that is what people expect. Along with everything else, I think you have hit the nail on the head as to the reasons people just can’t keep their suggestions and opinions to themselves
Am I just expected to jump to it and sort out whatever people bring to my attention? Am I now a glorified tradesperson/domestic/caretaker as well as a carer?!
A few weeks ago I did write myself a few well chosen phrases for use on occasions where Caresplaining might become a thing. I am going to start using them.
Luckily I’ve got a spare cushion or two to bash as well. I can do this! Thanks for your response and helping me to feel I am definitely not alone
My elder brother was an aircraft engineer. He might visit mum once a year, if she was lucky. I usually cooked him a meal, and over the meal, he would tell me what more I should be doing for mum! As far as I’m concerned, family who can’t or won’t help forfeit the right to have any say in what others are actually doing.
I get sick of people who doesn’t know what the background is, stick their nose in when it not wanted. There has been times where I have told them to butt out but still carry on.
Mike rember once when I took mum to hospital and had to wait in the queue to book her in A&E and it was a long queue and yes she was cold and did my best to move the wheel chair further in and put my jacket on her. This bloke started on me about mum being cold and I told him there was nothing much I could do as the queue was going slow, he kept on to me, I was losing my rag with him and told him straight to stay out of it. He was going to take mum off me and threaten to hit me. I made enough noise for someone on the desk to get security to keep us apart.
This is the problem when you are out and about or when or others outside of family come to the home. There is no background, they just involve themselves based on what they see in that moment. As I said in my original post, they seem to think either you’re not aware of the situation and/or you’re not doing enough to remedy it.
That is terrible, being threatened in an A&E queue, just for being in a situation you can’t really do much about. I don’t blame you for telling people to butt out
I had a similar thing a couple of years ago whilst dad was sat waiting in the entrance to the eye infirmary for a taxi to take us home. It was a cold day and a man came by and commented “Aren’t you cold mate?” because dad was wearing shorts. I had told dad several times that it was cold and he ought to put his jeans on but he refused saying he would be okay as he’d worked outside for years (as a bricklayer). He has mental capacity so I can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do. Fortunately I was outside at the time watching for the taxi and dad can’t hear very well he so didn’t respond to the man’s comment. Still annoying though.
Punch some pillows - I’ve murdered several and they’re all flat pancakes now