Hi, I’ve been pointed here by my local carers society. I have been caring for my mum, who has a rare neurological condition, for 13 years and have recently started caring for my dad, who has been diagnosed with heart failure. I’m 31 years old
I do have mental health issues and struggle to keep a level head. I find my caring responsibilities tough but feel that as my parents cared for me as a child I should do the same when they need it.
I have put my life on hold through my caring responsibilities, although I got married a month ago. I don’t have children. I don’t resent this but I think things would be different if I wasn’t a carer.

I’ll stop now as I could ramble on. Hope to speak to lots of you soon

Hi, and welcome.

You’ve been a carer since your own childhood, and that is VERY tough indeed.

How much care do you actually provide? As in, how does it impact your daily life?

You mention you’ve just got married (Congratulations!) and that is fantastic, so presumably you don’t actually live with your parents, but nearby? Do you have to go in every day?

What is the impact of their poor health on their daily lives? How much can they do for themselves still?

Do they get outside help, or is it ‘just you’? That is crucial - alas, if you read the posts on this forum you will see, time and time again, carers saying ‘my mum/dad doesn’t want anyone else looking after them’, ‘my mum/dad doesn’t want strangers in the house’ etc etc. That really isn’t acceptable.

The deal has to be not ‘My daughter or strangers looking after me’ but ‘my daughter AND strangers (ie, outside carers) looking after me OR residential care in a care home’.

Only by having others helping you with your ‘care burden’ can they continue to have YOU help AS WELL.

A term often used on this forum is that we family carers need to see ourselves as care MANAGERS not as directly providing the care ourselves.

And for someone who has already spent their teenage years, AND their precious youth devoted to their parents, instead of having the freedom to live life as YOU want, you have, quite frankly ‘done enough’…time to find ways to ‘back off’ from so much care, and ‘hand over’ to others. Not take on yet more (ie, your dad!)

Sadly, as our parents age, so do their care needs increase.

Newly married, your new ‘first responsibility’ is to your husband. And, when you have children, to them. Your parents need to understand this. Yes, they might WANT you ‘all the time’ or for whatever time you do spend on them, but they must also accept, as all parents must (and you will too in time with your own children as they reach adulthood), that parents have to ‘stand back’ and let our children have their OWN lives, however much that may be ‘difficult’ for ourselves. (Not totally, but parental care should not ‘dominate’ your life).

Welcome to the forum. It’s time for you to live your own life with your new husband, congratulations.
Try to think of becoming your parents Care Manager, rather than hands on provider.
My mum had LA funded carers to do the basics, get up, breakfast, lunch, evening meal, put to bed. I dealt with all the finances and made sure that I sorted out all the problems, plus DIY etc.