Hi so glad i found this forum. At the moment i am helping care for my elderly mum along with my dad.
Mum has severe heart failure and is now down to 35kg(about 5 half stone). She has no appetite but does eat a couple of spoonfuls of whatever throughout the day but not enough.
There is a hospital bed being delivered tomorrow and a plan is in place that she will not be taken into hospital again a dnr is in place.
We are struggling at the moment as mum is so restless she wants out the house all day every day but this is so exhausting for my dad. I work through the week and do what i can at might and the weekend but dad has the most of it. Both my parents are 82 this year.
I feel bad asking but if anyone else has been in this situation do you know how long this lasts this is not a life for mum she doesn’t really want to talk to anyone and has had a few falls in the last few weeks. Please don’t suggest a home or respite care as she really doesn’t want this.
All we get from docs is she is very frail. :frowning:

Hello and welcome,
Hard times ahead I think. It will be heart breaking for you to witness your mum so frail and restless, for your dad too.
If you are getting a hospital bed then you do have some support in place but do you have a care package for them?
This is hard, but as BB often advocates, google ‘signs of dying’ on the internet. It helped me a great deal as my Mum reached the end of her life. If the doctors are saying that, I would personally, and as no expert, translate it as ‘she’s nearing the end of her life but we can’t tell you how long.’
I, personally, can’t tell you how to cope with the ‘out all day’ thing but maybe it’s ‘just a phase’ as they say.
However we can’t make any suggestions really, until we know what is already in place for Mum and Dad. Are you the only help they currently get for example? Needs assessments up to date? Social Services involved?
AS others on here will reinforce no doubt, it is no longer a case of what Mum and Dad want, it’s a case of what help they NEED, and that applies to you too. Have you had a carer’s assessment?
There’s no magic wand. There never is. However if you explain a little more and keep posting, the very experienced and knowledgeable members on here will willingly help as much as possible and with sympathy and understanding about what you are facing.

Have a think about contacting a local care agencies. To help throughout the day or part of. Staying with mum or taking her out. It would give dad a rest and some peace of mind. She needs to be occupied. Someone totally focus on her. This will take pressure of your dad.

Mum should be getting NHS Continuing Healthcare, free care at home. Ask the GP to make a Fast Track Application.


I am sorry for you all, that you are in this position.

Outside help can help achieve all kinds of things, including making it easier to go out, or keep the house clean and get the washing done. It doesn’t have to be personal care and it doesn’t have to replace family, it can be an add-on.