Hi, I’m Maggie. I care for my husband who has COPD, severe asthma, diabetes type 2, osteoarthritis, high BP, angina…I think that’s it.
We are both in our 50’s and this is not what we expected but we struggle along. Currently living with in laws, one who has dementia and mum in law is very forgetful. Don’t know if it’s dementia or not. Sometimes I feel I’m caring for everyone! I don’t get much time to myself, I never get to go shopping on my own. I’m starting to feel really stressed and mum in law is treating me like a servant which is making it worse.
Hoping this forum will let me sound off now and again.
Why are you all living together? Do you have your own home to go to?
When did Social Services last do a Carers Assessment for you. You do NOT have to care for ANYONE if you don’t want to! The only power they have over you is the power you let them have.
It’s very complicated as to why we are living with the in laws. We do have a home of our own and are going back to it in mid March. As I’m the only person who is reasonably fit and healthy things are left to me. I’ve never had a Carers assessment. My husband has support from a health worker and she was going to get on to Social services for me but she has been off sick for the last few weeks, and I’ve not heard anything.
Maggie - that’s an impossible set up for you! You may be the only one reasonably fit and healthy at the moment, but looking after three people (including one who treats you as a servant) is going to turn you into an invalid before long as well! far too much to cope with.
How long have you been with your inlaws looking after them?
I’m glad you have a place of your own with your husband, and are returning there soon. What will happen to your inlaws. can they cope at all ‘on their own’? Even if your MIL can cope with her husband for now, at some point that will not be possible. dementia is inexorable and if nothing else causes your FIL’s death (eg, heart attack etc) at some point he will become doubly incontienent, unable to speak, and immobile, requiring a hoist and wheelchair or bedbound. It is a dreadful disease and my own MIL has only just died of it - and she was all of the above by the end. Awful.
So, what are the plans for your inlaws? Do they have other children, or only your husband?
What are their finances? If they own their own home then half of it, I believe, will need to assigned to the cost of your FIL’s residential care if he goes into a dementia home, though it could be that they don’t have to sell up until he dies.
if your FIl goes into residential care at some point, what will your MIL do? DO NOT let her come and live with you! if she is already treating you as a servant now, that will only get worse! And she may also be starting dementia herself, sadly, if her memory is going…
It’s avery hard situation indeed, but your first priority is your husband. Do you have family on your side at all, sisters/parents etc?
I’m glad you have your own place, get back there asap!
MUM in law might speak to you like a servant, but you DON’T have to behave like one!
Give me a couple of examples of what she asks you to do, and I’ll help you deal with them (as my counsellor taught me).
I think counselling for you, specifically looking at your role as carer, would be immensely helpful. It was for me, and I’ve recommended it to many others.
You can’t change anyone else but you CAN change how to react to others. Amazingly simple and empowering too.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIFT A FINGER TO ANYONE ELSE.
If they have genuine needs then those needs should be assessed by social services, and met by social services, not you.
Ring SSD today, ask for your Carers Assessment (make a note of the date and who you spoke to) and say it’s URGENT.
Sorry I’m late in replying. Things have been hectic. Currently hubby is in hospital, mum in law has had an op on her hand which means I am now doing everything. She did try to cut up veg for dinner yesterday but it made her hand hurt and she spent the afternoon telling me how much it hurt. I don’t have time to reply to all your questions but I’ll try and do them tonight.
I can see this is a caring forum and I will try to use it more. Time is my most precious resource at the moment.
We are ‘standing by’!
As we’ve all said uniformly, you are in an unsustainable situation, and a ‘long term solution’ has to be found for your inlaws…!
I know it’s a worry that your husband is in hospital currently, but at least he is ‘off your hands’ for now.
Your MIL sounds irritating, to put it mildly!
Maggie, mum in law should not have been discharged unable to do things for herself, without the hospital making appropriate arrangements for her care. Ring the hospital and complain about an “unsafe discharge”.
Unsafe hospital discharge ?
Not another one !
CHC / NHS Continuing Healthcare main thread :
FOLLOW THE COLOURS … section :
PREAMBLE / INTRODUCTION / CHARTS / > HOSPITAL DISCHARGES
Within that you’ll find a link to the BIBLE on said subject.
Being discharged from hospital - NHS
IN SHORT , NOT BY THE BOOK , NO DISCHARGE !