Hi New to this site, I am 73 still working for myself was until Covid cannot claim as my pensions are more than I earn, my husband is bedbound he has rheumatoid spondelitis and he had a stroke 5years ago which took most of his sight, he is a heavy drinker and that takes priority over everythng else which means at the moment I am really struggling for cash I have very little social life as he will not have anyone else in so I never have a holiday a day out and he wants to know when I will be back, sorry to moan I know others are a lot worse ff than me

Hi Susan

What do you mean under Covid.

Has your husband had a needs assessment and your a carers assessment by Social Services.

Hi Susan,
I think you are saying that your husband is bed bound, has very poor sight and you have to do everything. Wash him, feed him, entertain him care for him and generally spend your life being his slave?
Not good.
You say he is a heavy drinker. So who gets his booze for him? You?
I imagine that he creates if he doesn’t get his alcohol and you keep him supplied to keep him happy. Not doing either of you any good is it? I wonder if the current crisis could be a very convenient excuse as to why he has to cut down on consumption? How is he going to know if you say that the shop hasn’t got the supplies and that this small bottle will have to last for a few days?
If he is bed bound, how is he controlling you? Shouting? Complaining? Demanding? You need to take a bit of a stand. Don’t stand there and take it. Walk out of the room.
I’m an ex carer, so I am not up to date on how much social care is available for family carers at the moment and I am so thankful I am not in that position any longer. However if you need Carers to come in and help you with his care and they are available then he either accepts or goes without. You should not sacrifice yourself because he is stubborn and selfish (if that is the case).
You have the upper hand here, if only you will use it. He is the consumer. You are the supplier.
Try saying ‘no’. Try saying ‘this or nothing’.
He can make choices for himself, right or wrong, but he has no right to make choices for you or to control you in any way, husband or not, disabled or not.
Do you know that no-one HAS to care for an adult, no matter what the relationship? There is no legal reason why you have to. Family carers care because they choose to, through love, through a sense of responsibility, through habit, through pity or even because they don’t think they have any choice. You can choose how it all pans out and when this virus crisis is over you can hopefully access as much help as you need and get some of your own life back. If you do nothing, then it just gets worse.
What do YOU want?