New to this and need support and guidance

Hi all,

I know I won’t be alone in dealing with these things but if anyone could provide guidance and support or some sort of direction.

I am a full time live in carer for my nan with Alzheimers. As a child, she did not want a relationship with me. My dad was very concerned for her condition and would have been on the verge of heart attack at the age of 54 so I decided to help out to help my dad as I have a good relationship with him.

Normally, the whole family get on and there are no issues and I understand that Alzheimers can rip a family apart.
I do not mind helping family out and I know her Alzheimers is going to make some daily care tasks difficult as she will refuse things sometimes and she still tries to hide the fact she has Alzheimers.Sometimes, my resentment for the lack of relationship becuase she always chose the men in her life and her social life above her gradnchildren makes it difficult for me to remain calm and keep things constantly positive for her but I try my best (with her sister who is a lovely woman and my dad in mind).

I have found within a month of starting caring for my nan, my 2 uncles have non stop picked on stupid little things about her care (a few examples being that although I am trying to provide her with variety in all things, I still give her shreddies for breakfast most of the time but my one uncle has mentioned to my mum and dad that he isn’t happy that I give her toast. My uncles have stated that they will not help with any personal care such as helping to dress or wash and rely on their wives to come over early morning to do these things if needed when I have my break between Friday and Saturday evening, my one uncle made a comment saying that he doesn’t think she has a proper wash unless his wife does it, even though at the time she refused baths and showers but I still made sure she had a strip down wash at the sink and and put deodorant on every morning). Nearly 6 months down the line, I am still getting nitpicking comments like they are not happy with the colour of nail varnish that I put on when I do her nails and toenails and these comments every so often are making me feel like I am no good at what I do yet they are still expecting to rely on me to look after her because “I am a woman and a previous hospital carer” so would be open to doing “personal care”.

Issue I have is along with the resentment building up and the comments from my uncles (mostly the comments from my uncles when I am trying to do the best I can), is I am going to give care for my nan up so they can get a different carer in or move her to a care home because they don’t want the bother of caring themselves and although they did not want to include social services for assessment needs and in order to keep all her money in places that means she still has her wealth and can afford her long term care.

I have put an application in with my husband as we both live in my nan’s house and whilst he goes out to work 3-5 days a week at the hospital, I stay here and look after my nan. We have applied for a new flat and although my family did not create a contract for me and because I do not work for a company, the letting agent I have applied through, has said they cannot validate my pay, yet I have proved I have an income from this every month. What is our next step if we want to get out and get our life back on track as we are both getting very depressed and feel like our life is on hold for my nan who has lived her life and my uncles who have both said they do not appreciate what I do and do not think I do a good job, even though I have picked her up off the floor after many falls by myself, drove her to A&E, to all her appointments at the hospital and sat with her when she’s been very low and upset herself about not having a man in her life anymore.

What other options have we got as in housing, getting more support or taking action against family itself as I am really struggling :frowning:

Hi Rebekah

Just a quick reply. There is a lot to digest here.

Shelter are the go to charity who maybe able to help and offer advice.


How old is your nan?
How severe is her dementia?
Does she own, or rent her house?

She is the responsibility of her sons, not her grand daughter. If your dad is ill, then his brothers should understand that and deal with nan’s situation themselves.
You say “she still has her wealth”, and this is ringing big alarm bells to me!

If she is a wealthy woman, then she can afford to pay for professional carers. There is no need for you to sacrifice your life in any way.
I may be wrong, but I strongly suspect that your uncles want you to provide the care so that they can save nan’s money for themselves.
If she has dementia, does anyone have Power of Attorney for her? Who is managing her “wealth” and her pensions on a day to day basis. Nan’s money is hers, and hers alone, until the day she dies, and if she needs care, her money should be paying for it.
Have they claimed Attendance Allowance for nan?
Are you getting Carers Allowance?
Are they giving you money for the care you provide?
In my area, residential care for dementia sufferers costs from £1,000 upwards.
Carers cost £15 per hour. What are you being paid a week???

Hi Rebekah,

just to add, if your Nan falls, then cover her up with a blanket and call an ambulance. It is safer for your Nan and you. The crew are trained to check people over and help them up. You won’t hurt your back and your Nan won’t be moved until she has been checked over for broken bones etc

You sound like a lovely carer for your Nan, but your Uncles are taking you for granted. They have no right to criticise the care you give especially as they are unprepared to help with her care themselves.

Definitely follow up on the advice from Sunnydisposition and Bowlingbun.


I agree with Melly.

You must NOT pick up nan, because she needs to be checked over by someone medically trained, a paramedic.
They will also alert the GP to their calls, it does sound like you have been left to deal with this.
When did nan last see her doctor?

You can phone Social Services and ask for a Carers Assessment for yourself.
Please do this, don’t be fobbed off with a form, but ask for a visit.